Where to even begin - dc my main concern.

[Grantedwhitesocksturngrey]

Here are the facts - briefly:

Married for 19 years.
2 dc, 14 and 8
No mortgage but house deeds in his name only.
He will not leave the house - no way, no how.
He want the dc 3 nights a week - despite having little involvement before 🙄
High earner - £180k annually before tax
I earn approx £28k a year, before tax.

What are the likely outcomes for this?

My main worry is the dc, especially the younger one. This will be my instigation and I’m so scared im doing the wrong thing.
I’ve lived in limbo for a decade, mentally going back and forth and worrying how the dc and DH would cope.

Any advice?

Which country do you live in?

You should be able to claim interim aliment to cover costs for you to rent somewhere. This is temporary maintenance covering this period until you divorce. It is based on your need and his resource. If you can prove need - which is your outgoings exceeding your income - then he is obliged to bridge the shortfall.

That's the first stage and it will allow you to move out.

The house is a marital asset. What's it worth, and if sold would it buy two suitable properties for you and DH assuming roughly 50:50 with the kids?

14yo can express opinion on how much contact/preferences (but I speak from bitter experience of teens trying to make both parents happy).

What would you like to happen?

I’d like to rent nearby so it’s easy for the dc to come and go if they want to.
ideally I’d like primary residence as I think it’s good for the dc to have a main base and me being that is what they are used to. DH isn’t a terrible dad but he doesn’t really get them. His relationship with dc1 is not that great. Dc2 is slightly better.
I suppose ideally I’d like him to have them Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday every other week. So five nights out of every 14.

It will be incredibly acrimonious.

He said if I leave I will not be allowed back in the house so make sure it’s what I want.

In terms of returning to the home, if you've both lived there 19 years (assuming you have), you should apply for home rights if you feel you need to go back. This may help with that https://iamlip.com/you-and-your-matrimonial-home-rights/. It might help if you're struggling to rent elsewhere.

You are 100% doing the right thing. It is the healthiest thing for both you and your children if you're both living happily and comfortable. If you go through with the divorce, as the lower earner and if you have children most of the time, your assets will probably not be 50/50 but lean more towards you in order to take care of yourself and the children. This may help you figure out the best outcome as you need to consider all these factors - https://iamlip.com/help-guides/the-court-process-of-dividing-your-marital-assets-finances-and-pensions/
Hope this can help! Do what best for both you and your children, as a happy parent is also important for a happy child.

Maybe also try reading this one too https://iamlip.com/help-guides/pre-divorce/
it might help you figure out the best way to go about this for you and your kids as it tells you what to consider. It made sure I didn’t forget everything I needed to sort out first so the process was smoother.

I agree. I wish I’d considered how my feelings in my relationship affected me kids. I didn’t realise how much my kids could see my unhappiness - they’re smarter than we think. Keep going for both you and your kids - you deserve to be happy.

See a solicitor and get proper advice.
Apply for home rights/register your interest in the marital home.
Try and find out as much info as you can about your H financial circumstances, savings, pension etc.
File for divorce.
You could stay put while the divorce goes through but if you think it will be acrimonious that might not be best for the children if you are able to finding a rented property instead might make it less unpleasant.