Separating from husband during maternity leave

[Kmwa]

I am looking for some advice during a difficult time. My husband and I have agreed that we are going to seperate due to considerably growing apart over quite some time now but very much remaining with a good friendship.

By no means is my husband forcing me out of our family home, however there are a number of factors that I believe for a clean break, that me to be the one leaving the family home is the best option. Obviously our 3 children will be with me where I am and shared caring for then with my husband, however I am still on maternity leave with our youngest of 3 children and even when back to work, I would struggle with affording a house for us.

Does anybody have any knowledge or advice whether there is any support or housing support for people in my situation?

Please kind words only 🙏

If the children are staying with you and you can’t afford to move out, then don’t, he should move out.

Why would you move out with a baby and 2 other children when you can’t afford to? Wouldn’t their dad feel deeply embarrassed by that situation?

If it’s amicable what’s he suggesting?

Besides getting housing benefit for a rental I can’t see any other option.
you could put your name down for social housing but you’d have to be physically homeless to get anywhere and it would likely be temp accommodation in an unpleasant area. Depends if you want to put your kids through that.

Why do you want to leave the house and not stay for the kids ? X

It is amicable, very much so, and he is suggesting that I remain here however the home we built is on his family land and left, right and infront of us, are all his siblings and parents homes. It just feels like the separation would be very much watched over and this home would still have my inlaws calling in unannounced and I would feel very much tied to our current life's. I am just not sure of a way to end the relationship, by still being in that environment. I hope that makes sense.

Very few people are going to rent a house to a single mother of 3 with no visable means to support herself.

Why does your husband want to displace his 3 children? Why do you?

If its so aimable why doesnt he move out for now. Realistically it could be 2 years before your finalise the divorce and youll be in amuvh better place to find a more suitable jomr than you are 3m postpartum.

I would wait a few months before doing anything.

People fall in and out of love all the time. You have kids. Don't wreck their lives on a whim.

That’s understandable. If they have land they must have wealth. Is their dad not able to help you find accommodation? Surely he doesn’t want to see his children suffer? Or is like ‘if you want to leave then I’m not helping you’

And get yourself checked for PND.

Personally, I think you're being a bit hasty. There is a reason they say make no decisions until baby is at least 1, and you have 3 kids together. You will feel more like friends because you have 3 young kids to run around after!

Other than that, you can't afford to move out prior to financial settlement so you don't. You're married, have 3 young kids. You'll be entitled to at least 50% of all assets, likely more if your career has taken a hit and you have the kids for more time. House, savings, pensions, cars, investments. If your husbands family is wealthy as they seem to be, they may buy you out with enough to buy somewhere smaller yourself.

Thanks for the advice here, but this is not PND. My husband and I have had a friendship, rather than a romantic relationship for quite some time now. Yes we have young children, but unfortunately this is just the reality of it. We parent great together, but strip back our home, children, etc.. we narrowed it down to how we feel within the relationship and that for us just is not their anymore. We are together since our teens, 15 years and 7 years married. I wish their was another excuse for it..but unfortunately in our case, their is not

Not really if it’s amicable no. Taking 3 children from their home, father and grandparents, aunts and uncles etc to a cheap rental with no money isn’t what’s best for them if it’s as amicable as you say. And unfortunately you don’t have the luxury of choice, even if you find a rental you may not be eligible for UC because you have the house as an asset. Can he afford to buy you out of the house right now? Would you get a mortgage on your own?

You can only have got pregnant a year ago.

Do you own half the house ? If so then you would not get help from Universal credit if you own a house that you do not live in and the equity in that home is over 16k. UC may help in the shorter term if the property is being sold but you would need to show this. If your ex buys you out and you end up with more than 16k equity then you wouldn't get any benefit anyway. So your best bet if you want help from benefits is to stay put and your dh move out.

He is willing to help everything however I do not want to take advantage of his generosity. I have a good job, and we have no mortgage on our home, but..to move out and afford rental accommodation where I live, along with childcare for now 3 children, would be difficult if I am completely honest. He will definitely help out if I am stuck, and we will be 50/50 on child care expenses but if I remain in the family home, he then moves home to his parents and means that with his time with the children, would mean it being in our family home. I just think that whole situation could be difficult in the long run. I would feel I need to leave to allow him space and time with the kids without me around. It's a very tricky situation, I just don't know what is best.

Clearly some romance involved if you are on mat leave ?

Normally the marital home is either bought out by one party or the house is sold and the proceeds split according to a divorce judge. Since your house is on family land I can see that selling isn't really an option. He needs to buy you out so you can afford your own place with the children.

Why can’t he have the kids in his families home?

I see you have updated. For gods sake go speak to a solicitor for just one hour and find out your legal rights. You don't have to take him to the cleaners but at least get the bare minimum for your children.

I don't understand why people don't fight for their marriages and to give their children a family life when by all accounts what you've described is just a slightly stale and boring relationship? Do you really think the grass is greener and you going to meet the love of you life and have a sexual reawakening with 3 young children in tow?? (Speaking from experience here of someone who has 3 young children and recently divorced - not out of choice)

Right, both of you go onto link above to ADVICE NOW, and download their guides to “diy divorce”. Look at how fair settlement law actually works. Don’t try to agree anything until you’ve both completed and agreed you form D81 ( use form E for detail and then summarise into fr, D81).
work through together to get agreement on what realistically the courts would award based on fair settlement criteria and your particular circumstances. Help each other to get used to idea that you’ll BOTH be worse off. And that past behaviour has nothing to do with settlement - it’s all about future needs. Work out what each of your future needs are based on child custody arrangements, and try to work together to come up with the most practice and fair solution. That should take into account thst you should compete maternity leave, and both have a home that’ll house the kids- but they might have to accept sharing rooms as you’ll both have to downsize really.
if you’re amicable, use this. Put your heads together to think as creatively as possible.