Practicalities of trial (or actual) separation

Millie2008 · 2023-07-23T12:20:48+00:00

Hello wise Mumsnetters, I'm in a total mess and in desperate need of some practical advice. Me and my partner have been together 7 years, not married, 2 young children. I've realised we need to have a trial separation leading in all likelihood to actually separating. I have no idea what the best way to go about this is from a financial perspective. We own a house together (mortgage). In an absolute ideal world I'd like for us to be able to keep the house so the children can just stay there; then we would have a second place for the person who is not looking after the children. I've read a few posts on Mumsnet where this was the arrangement. But how did you make it work financially? Rent is very expensive. But I'm not sure we could afford another mortgage. I'm useless at these things- can money be taken out of current house to put towards another one? Keen to hear from anyone who did something different that worked too. It's very amicable atm so feel like we could come up with whatever arrangement works best for the children as they are our priority obviously Many thanks for any thoughts in advance.

millymollymoomoo · 23/07/2023 13:39

Do you own as tenants in common or joint tenants? And if tenants in common what % of shares each do you own?

as you’re not married you can’t get a mesher order.

for you to stay in the house with sole occupancy you’ll need to buy out his share /or he will need to agree to let you stay for a period and between you agree who pays what snd to do this you’d need to be able to take o we the mortgage in your own name passing the lender’s eligibility criteria.

is that possible ?

Original poster

Millie2008 · 23/07/2023 13:57

millymollymoomoo · 23/07/2023 13:39

Do you own as tenants in common or joint tenants? And if tenants in common what % of shares each do you own?

as you’re not married you can’t get a mesher order.

for you to stay in the house with sole occupancy you’ll need to buy out his share /or he will need to agree to let you stay for a period and between you agree who pays what snd to do this you’d need to be able to take o we the mortgage in your own name passing the lender’s eligibility criteria.

is that possible ?

We own as joint tenants.

I wouldn’t be able to take over the mortgage I wouldn’t have thought no.
I guess I’m imagining something along the lines of- us both continuing to own the house as is, and children staying where they are. Then buying/renting a second property which we could both use (separately). I realise this may not be an excellent long-term solution as over the years one of us may want that bit more independence from the other etc. But to make it possible in the short-term - esp as we’re potentially going for more of a trial thing- I wondered about this kind of arrangement. But, in terms of affording a second (very much smaller) home, we’d need to get some money from somewhere and didn’t know if this could be taken out of the mortgage somehow… we don’t have enough savings for a deposit.

OP posts:

MrsMarieMopps · 23/07/2023 14:23

Well the other property would have to be much smaller, one room or studio. Could you be entitled to UC as a lone parent? That would allow you to partly pay the mortgage. My ex is happy staying on the deeds and I pay the mortgage. I wouldn't meet eligibility on my own.

Original poster

Millie2008 · 23/07/2023 14:37

MrsMarieMopps · 23/07/2023 14:23

Well the other property would have to be much smaller, one room or studio. Could you be entitled to UC as a lone parent? That would allow you to partly pay the mortgage. My ex is happy staying on the deeds and I pay the mortgage. I wouldn't meet eligibility on my own.

Thanks for your reply- do you mind me asking how your ex managed to afford a place for himself? And if you have children how that all works?
Yes good point re UC - I'll have a look to see if I'd be eligible.

OP posts:

MrsMarieMopps · 23/07/2023 14:59

@Millie2008 he's back living with his parents so not the same situation but we are also very low income, your ex might be able to afford something. It's about £700 for an independent flat in our town. We have two children. I get UC and work full time, it's worth putting in figures for future you, if you will use more childcare or pay more in bills due to being a single parent.

millymollymoomoo · 23/07/2023 15:04

Your ability to get a mortgage for a second property will be dependent on the equity in you current home, plus your joint earnings and significantly reduced based on having an existing mortgage debt. Also factor in stamp duty at double rates it doesn’t sound like you can afford another property while retaining this one

so one of you would have to rent - and most likely not expect the other to still contribute ( much if sny) money to the other property

Original poster

Millie2008 · 23/07/2023 18:57

MrsMarieMopps · 23/07/2023 14:59

@Millie2008 he's back living with his parents so not the same situation but we are also very low income, your ex might be able to afford something. It's about £700 for an independent flat in our town. We have two children. I get UC and work full time, it's worth putting in figures for future you, if you will use more childcare or pay more in bills due to being a single parent.

Thank you that's really helpful. I will def start looking into UC etc.
With your ex living at his parents how does it work with sharing childcare etc.?
Sorry for all the questions!

OP posts:

Original poster

Millie2008 · 23/07/2023 18:59

millymollymoomoo · 23/07/2023 15:04

Your ability to get a mortgage for a second property will be dependent on the equity in you current home, plus your joint earnings and significantly reduced based on having an existing mortgage debt. Also factor in stamp duty at double rates it doesn’t sound like you can afford another property while retaining this one

so one of you would have to rent - and most likely not expect the other to still contribute ( much if sny) money to the other property

Yes I think you're probably right tbh. It just feels really depressing to go back to renting being part of our lives (but needs must I guess)

OP posts:

Babyroobs · 23/07/2023 19:03

Millie2008 · 23/07/2023 18:59

Yes I think you're probably right tbh. It just feels really depressing to go back to renting being part of our lives (but needs must I guess)

Show quote history

Uc won't help with rent if you own part of another property and have equity above 16k. So the current home would either need to be sold or on the market, or you would need to stay in the current home if you are having main residency of the children. It won't be possible for you to move out, rent somewhere and claim UC unless the house is being sold. Obviously if you have less than 16k equity in the property then that would be different.

Original poster

Millie2008 · 23/07/2023 20:10

@Babyroobs - but it would be me staying in the property with the children and partner moving out and renting. Although my idea was that we'd both stay named on the mortgage; and maybe id use the rented place when he was looking after the children (to enable children to stay put).

OP posts:

Babyroobs · 23/07/2023 20:18

Millie2008 · 23/07/2023 20:10

@Babyroobs - but it would be me staying in the property with the children and partner moving out and renting. Although my idea was that we'd both stay named on the mortgage; and maybe id use the rented place when he was looking after the children (to enable children to stay put).

That would be ok then but your ex would be unlikely to be able to claim any help with the rented place so between you you would still need to be able to pay mortgage and rent.

MrsMarieMopps · 23/07/2023 22:02

@Millie2008 he has them but not overnight. It suits me ok as I love their company. Honestly since he left every day feels joyful, it's like a holiday!

MrsMarieMopps · 23/07/2023 22:04

@Babyroobs why would the OP need to pay the rent? Her ex would pay rent and she would pay the mortgage.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/07/2023 23:45

I think just rent a room as a lodger or a studio for the 'not with the kids' person. Don't buy -you'll have to pay a lot of stamp duty on a second home and as soon as one of you starts dating sharing the 'other' property will feel impossible so it's not a long term solution.

If neither of you can afford to buy the other out you'll need to sell your house at some point.

Well done for keeping things amicable so far!