Views on week on/week off for 5 and 10yo pse

[Levithecat]

Hi all, I have 2 DS age 5 and 10. Have been 50/50 with their father for 3 months, after a year of being 100% with me (he is in recovery for alcohol dependency, may or may not be relevant to answers)

our 50/50 is 2,2,5,5. This was because we felt a more frequent swap was better for our youngest at his age. But they’re finding the two nights with me or their dad disruptive, even though those nights are consistent.

Has anyone done a week on / week off with a 5yo? I was thinking I might be willing to do this if perhaps the youngest stayed with the other parent for one night in the middle of that (giving us both 121 time with each boy, and meaning more frequent contact for the youngest with each parent).

Not me personally but a couple of friends have white children even younger

It’s easy to see why the current arrangements are difficult for the children with so much swapping and longer stays may be more settled. It really depends on their relationships with you, dad, how you and ex get on and whether there is any risk of relapse in his drinking.
fo you live close by ?
for some people it works, for others it doesn’t. How are they with the 5 days now ?

We do live close by, and had to slowly work to 50/50 based on monthly blood tests for alcohol. Relapse risk is high, but I know I can have them back with me 100% if needed. I work full time, think he works .8
longer stays would probably suit them, it just feels like such a long time to not see them. He is against what he calls ‘forced’ contact—phone calls or FaceTime—when not with the kids.

Yes, I have been doing this for a few years since DS was 6. It seems to work well for us all. He has activities during the week that we each take him to regardless of whether it our week. For example, EXDH has always taken him swimming so every Wednesday they go swimming. EXDH either picks him up from school or my house then delivers back. We didn't do that at first and I think DS got a bit worried about where dad was so a little bit of contact keeps him reassured.

The other thing is that if DS asks to see dad, I try to make it happen. There's been times recently where he's wanted to see his dad when he's on a week with me. Sometimes just because they do gaming together and I think he misses his gaming buddy. I NEVER refuse him seeing him and EXDH is the same with me. If DS is poorly, he'll often ask for me. It's our fault he doesn't have us both there on tap so we make lots of effort to ensure we are there when he needs us. I'm lucky really that EXDH understands and is really good with this setup. He'll sometimes message to say DS is asking for me and sometimes a phone all is good enough or sometimes I go and take him to the park for a few hours.
Also, I get LOADS done on my week off which means I have more time for DS when I see him.
In a few years, he can decide where he wants to be but he is happy with things right now. I hope he'll leave things as they are but perhaps once in high school he might change his mind. We can only give him the best, non biased experience that we can.

I would recommend trying it. What does the 10yr old think? Give it time, too. It might not be perfect straight away. Good luck

Our 50:50 arrangement which started when kids were 6 and 11, is sun - weds morning with one parent, weds after school to sat with the other parent.
And the Saturday night alternates.
So we split the weekend in half each week.
We are amicable and ok if one parent wants a weekend away with or without the children.