Finding yourself after separation

[Followwill]

How do you do it?

I am in my 40s. I have been with my now ex since I was 21, six months after I left uni. Over half my life and all of my adult life has been spent as one half of a relationship. When we got together I was very insecure and just happy to have someone who liked me TBH. I did lose a lot of myself in the relationship to try and keep him happy. Of course the cracks started showing when we had kids and I refused to be the one always giving way/in.

Now it's over I feel like I don't know who I am underneath it all. So much is meshed with what he wanted or what we did together or what I did to fit in around him. I don't know if I'm doing things because I want to or if it's what I feel like I should be doing?!

Am already scheduled in for counselling with worm so and hoping I have something to help through that. But does anyone have any suggestions on what helped for them or even can anyone relate?

That should say counselling with work! Not worm!

@Followwill I've been through this too. Split from DH in 2021 after 20 years together. Met whilst at uni. Now in my 40s.

I know what you mean about not knowing who you are anymore.
I had a hobby in my teens which I tried to get DH into but he wasn't interested so when I get chance I try to pursue that (it's a bit daunting as something mostly young people do).
I also joined an app called Frolo for single parents. It has chat rooms and people organise real life meet ups. It's a friendly space and it helped me massively to meet other people in a similar position and see then living well and happily. Might be worth considering when you're ready.
I've tried to enjoy doing things I think he wouldn't - watching films and tv etc he wouldn't have been keen on. Have followed up with a few friends I didn't see much of when we were together.
It takes time. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself time to slow down and pay attention to what captures your imagination or makes you feel good.

Take care and good luck.

A relationship ending can be like a bereavement, so give yourself time. You’ve got to have all the firsts without him, first Xmas etc. So give yourself a year, try new things, and see how you are next July.

I understand how it feels. It's strange after a relationship ends, it takes time to get used to it but the more that time passes, the better I get. The same will happen to you. See if these two articles might help you along in the process
https://iamlip.com/falling-in-love-with-yourself-after-divorce/
https://iamlip.com/find-a-self-care-activity/
Take some of the advice to branch out and get yourself doing more for yourself. Also focus on you more and building yourself up after your separation.
Your future self will thank you for it!