Meeting ex-DH new girlfriend. Any advice?

[Whatalotofbollox]

Ex-DH, as is his style, dropped it on me with very little notice that he would be introducing our DS (11) and DD (7) to his new girlfriend in a week. And introducing them to her kids (which I assume he's not met, but I really don't know come to think of it).

He was a little surprised when I said I expected to meet her before the kids did. I know not everyone gets to do this / wants to do this but I would meet a teacher so I would also like to make another carer in their lives. She's happy to meet. He's chosen not to come.

I will be kind towards her and have no interest in saying anything negative.

It's hard, tho, isn't it? To deal with this swarm of angsty feelings inside.

I probably suffer with being too nice, rather than the opposite.

Can anyone share how they dealt with this situation? What worked / didn't work?

And I guess, DOES IT GET EASIER?

sorry i have misread the post, sorry i'm reading now u want to have the meeting, but it all stands. be civil and don't start on about ur ex and ur relationship with him etc. this is for kids sakes only.

You've asked for advice on how to deal with the situation. You were quire definitely that you want to meet her so I'm curious about what you're hoping to get out of the meeting, as that will help identify what advice is going to be useful/what might help you deal.

You sound a bit defensive. Mostly people are trying to help.

Thanks Crazekat.

Generally, I just want to get all the adult meeting crap out of the way so that the kids don't feel any rubbish and no-one needs to talk about it or be surprised by anything. I don't plan to interact with her after this particularly, unless it's at a drop off and I don't plan to talk to him about it.

Don’t see the drama here implied by others , you sound sensible OP. If they’ve been together a while and it’s serious with all the kids meeting and stuff, why not? This woman is just part of a new chapter in his life and she might be lovely. I was the new woman once and met DSS mum and we hit it off. Made life easier for everyone. Nice for the kids if you can all get on and be adults. I think I’d feel different if they were the OW and had caused drama in the marriage but if they’re brand new then there’s no reason not to be civil and cooperate at all. I Hope you get on and the kids like her too.

I would just talk about the children. Don't talk about the past as that will make her feel uncomfortable and I'm sure that's not what you want to do.

I met my exes partner and vice versa before we introduced our new partner to the kids. I agree, I would like to at least be able to know the face, name and have a little chat before a stranger to me played a part in my children’s life. I don’t hand my children over to strangers so didn’t expect it to be any different in this situation. I don’t get what’s weird about it at all.

I had a chat at handover before they took the kids out for the day, introduced myself, made some general chit chat about their plans with the kids that day, smiled a lot, acknowledged that it was a bit awkward but said I hope it wouldn’t be going forward and I hoped we’d all get along, said it was nice to meet her and wished them a nice day.

She now has my number, has done for years, picks the kids up/drops them off when their dad isn’t around. It makes it much easier when you can just be civil at the very least. I’d say we’re all pretty friendly now. I like her very much, know she loves my children and looks after them well.

Advice to OP is to say what you‘ve said really, that you’d just like to meet her, hope they all get along and you’re not wanting for things to be awkward. Chances are, as a single mum herself, she’s seeing things from your perspective and will be cool, hoping also for a civil relationship with you. Good luck. Xx

What if you meet her and for whatever reason you don't like her? That's going to make you feel bitter when your children are visiting their dad and seeing her.

OP I’d be exactly the same. I’d want to meet my exes new partner but I doubt they would agree.

Just keep it civil and light and who knows you may end up really liking her. Good luck.

Controlling of you and if I was him I’d say no

Your ex has been more than decent letting you know in advance that he intends to introduce his not new GF to your shared kids. He must also suffer from being too nice! Although I bet he doesn't vet who you introduce your kids to...so why would you have an expectation that you should be introduced to his GF?

Meet your ex's GF when emotionally you've come to terms with the fact that she's not replacing you in your kids lives, that she's probably a very nice woman, who might be similar to you and who may end up (some day, not right now) being another caring adult and positive influence in your kids lives. Meet her when your motivation is wanting to model for your children that divorced parents and their new partners can all get along and have healthy relationships.

As a SM hearing a Mum state 'I will be kind to her' gives me the heebie jeebies...what else would you be?

@TattoedLady completely agree

of course it’s nice for the adults to meet, their paths will cross and to get along is good to model good parental outcomes to the children

but to start dictating that you must meet before your ex can introduce and that you’ll be kind etc, totally out of order. Ex is perfectly capable of deciding who and when his children are introduced to, it’s not some kind of test for the girlfriend