Separation from abusive husband, really not coping.. more abuse

[Gemski38]

Hello

I posted in February that i had left my husband of 10 years, due to us having a very bad patch. Him going through my phone, reading all my texts to friends, calling me names, saying im a lesbian, weird, odd, a liar etc etc..

We are 5 months in and he has

• Been caught messaging a young 30 year old from the gym, literally weeks after i left. Then proceeded to say i was crazy an paranoid when i had a gut feeling over it. Asked her and she said, yip they'd been messaging for a while.
• Went really really nasty, ignoring me, calling me names, insecure, controlling, cold, ive abused HIM, HE feels unloved, shit wife etc etc
• Then comes back, loves me, wants to make it work, lets reconciliate, then back to cold and nasty again

So 2 weeks ago after 5 months of agony i had made my decision, i was going back, we were going to try again and get counselling, he was sending me links to houses to look at as we talked about selling family home and buying a new house for us all.. that was Friday, Saturday the girl from the gym came up, i simply said how hurt and insecure i felt, he went NUTS. Said "lets call it a fucking day shall we"

Ignored me totally for 2 days, then for 5 days, was texting saying its all me, im a hit wife, shit person, ive changed since i started uni, he doesn't like the fact i go for walks and food with uni friends, slagging uni friends off.. on and on and on.. Then for 2 days, demanding to know who men on my Instagram were?? Saying i act single (i dont), i disrespect him by the leggings i wear to the gym, tight jeans etc - Literally torn me to shreds

I was hysterical for a week, as the week before we were sorting it out, now this 😭My poor parents have been so worried and are so fed up of this with him

I texted him and said that i was done, i couldnt take anymore, it was killing me as its clear he doesnt want to be with me

Now he is back, saying he loves me, wants to sort it out 😳

5 months of this

Abusive, mid life crisis, affair?? What is going on xx

This relationship is over and it sounds like you are well rid of him. It is abusive behaviour to ignore people and tell them what they can/can’t wear and he’s messaging other women??

Continue your plans to leave and move on. See as solicitor regarding divorce/ your rights as to where you will live etc.

Only communicate with him to discuss practical matters. Do not engage with the gaslighting / manipulative behaviour.

Good luck

You say in your title he is abusive, and from you've written he is.

Doesn't really sound like you separated though. Who cares if he's messaging someone from the gym? You aren't together! Stop talking to each other except about practicalities.

The previous poster is correct….Do not engage with women he is messaging. She is welcome to him. YOU ARE MOVING ON!!!

Onwards and upwards!!!

Of course he will promise you the moon…but his actions are showing you who he is.

Have some self-respect and cut him out of your life.

I moved out but he has never really left me alone, so he was messaging her and seeing me at the same time..

As far as i was concerned we were sorting it out, going to have a trial separation and reconcile.. But this hot and cold behaviour has been constant with him, its so upsetting as i dont know where i am with it all xx

Thats the part im struggling with, self respect and self worth. He calls me names, tears me down so low, then comes back claiming he adores me

10 years of this 😭Just struggling with it i suppose xx

You’ve got a choice in what happens. You can chose to have no more to do with him. If you chose that then it no longer matters who he talks to or that he contradicts himself about what he wants and what he thinks of you.
LTB. He’s horrible. You will be much much happier when you don’t let him have the power to bamboozle you. That’s in your hands. You can decide to end it. It doesn’t really matter what he says or does then. I promise, your self-esteem will sky-rocket without him.

He doesn’t adore you, btw.

Please tell me there are no children

He was free to message a 30 year old? Don’t see the issue

This relationship is toxic and dead in the water

move on

I would just block him on social and whatsapp, and stop engaging with him. Make the trial separation permanent.

Block him on everything bar a specific email through which you will handle divorce. This is no way to live you need to walk away completely, he's trying to destroy you, he wants you on a string and the other woman in his back pocket. You can do this but you have to cut him off as much as possible.

Block block block. Do not let him destroy your confidence. If there are no kids you can move on quickly.

This.

Can you access any counseling?

His words are empty.
He wants total control over you and submission from you.
He will tell you everything that you want to hear, and more.
He will promise you everything.
He will break you down so that you don't even know what you want yourself, other than you think you need him.

Please break away. Get help.
You are being abused.
This is not a life.

He's abusive. He does all that to control you. If you didn't feel shit, you'd walk away but if he crushes your self esteem, you can be manipulated into thinking he's the only one who will love you, you'll be nothing without him etc.

You need to do the freedom programme or read that Lundy Bancroft book they're always banging on about on here - you need to reprogram your mind because abusive behaviour trains you to think this horrible on/off affection one day and meanness the next day is what love is.

He’s got you on a string - like a yo yo
Time to walk away

It better divorce now than too late when you have children. You will be more stuck with kids around

We do have children, we were a blended family with 4 children 😭We have one son together. I had 2 older boys, and he had a daughter when we met.

Ive given up 10 years for this man and the children, and i really really wanted it to work. So when i moved out, i did not make that decision on a whim. We stayed in touch and as far as i was concerned were "sorting it all out" seeing as we are still married

so then i found out about the girl from the gym, then the total hot and cold towards me, nasty then nice. Being really mean then nice and saying we should sort it all out 😭

Its been the most confusing and hardest time of my life, i know its abusive and toxic, its just so hard to get your head around when hes back to being nice again 😩

I was just wondering wether, its abuse, a mid life crisis (due to him buying a jag, a motorbike, booking thailand, young girls etc) or a affair..

as hes just so all over the place and i cant get my head around it

IT shit tho, i know this. Just so hard when you love someone isnt it xx

All of this. Please don’t go back to him OP. You are worth so much more than this.

@Gemski38 this isn't a mid life crisis. This is the blinkers falling off your eyes.

You are now and have always been in an abusive relationship. You get addicted to it. It is called Trauma Bonding.

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding

You have to save yourself or by the time he is done with you, you'll be an empty shell with lifelong issues and you won't recognise yourself as your own person.

Move out and away. Block him on your phone. If he wants access to DC, then he can email you to request dates or go through a 3rd party.

You really have to get help. Do the Freedom Programme.

He DOES NOT love you. He never really did because abusers cannot fully give themselves over to another. They lack the selflessness that requires.

Break the cycle now and work on yourself.

"Abusive, mid life crisis, affair?? What is going on"

"I was just wondering wether, its abuse, a mid life crisis (due to him buying a jag, a motorbike, booking thailand, young girls etc) or a affair.."

It doesn't matter. His behaviour to you is what matters. You cannot control his behaviour and it is beyond unacceptable. He is wrecking your head and does not care that he is doing this. The damage being done to the children will be huge too.

The person you love doesn't exist I'm afraid. You may need help from an experienced therapist to help you to understand that. Perhaps have a think about what you would advise a friend in your situation.

For everyone's sake you need to make a final break.