How best to respond to STBX re DD not wanting to go

[User63847484848]

Dd is 15, eldest of 3. Current arrangement is alternate weekends plus one evening after school (not overnight). She is quite anti her dad currently and has always been quite reluctant to go (Dc and I moved out at Christmas). But generally has gone with very strong encouragement from me. When I talk to her about why she doesn’t want to, her concerns are valid and echo lots of the reasons why I left tbh. sadly he has always been quite disengaged from the Dc and they don’t have a strong bond or relationship.

she also has asd and can be quite fixed in her thinking, she gets stressed about schoolwork and has it in her mind she ‘can’t’ do her work at his house even though it’s her old bedroom where we all used to live. I was hoping him staying in the house would make it easier for the Dc to go back but it hasn’t really planned out that way with them seeing my (rented) house as home.

this weekend she also had v bad pmt and was adamant she wasn’t going. I managed to persuade her to go for the first night but she came back here on Saturday. I was due to be out til quite late and explained that to her but she got a friend round for a sleepover to keep her company.
he seemed ok about it at the time but tonight has sent a text saying he thinks I should have told her she needed to stay with him.

how is it best to respond? Truth is when she’s made her mind up about something it’s hard to force it and I think she would’ve just left and walked here if we’d tried to force it!

I’ve just replied saying I encouraged her to stay but think that’s all we can do at her age. Is that the right response?

I want to be careful I don’t force her or try to force her into contact with him because I’m scared of his reaction and anger towards me.

Your response sounds fine. You’re trying but you can’t force her.

How far away does he live?

at 15 it’s highly unlikely that any teen wants a strict eow type arrangement designed for primary age children. They’re more likely to want one base and lots of flexibility to visit or stay as and when

At the moment it’s 5 mins drive or a 20 minute (uphill) drive.

agree the best thing would be flexibility, problem is I fear she might never go if it’s left entirely up to her.
but I do think he could also make more of an effort to make the house inviting for them etc.

he’s taking them away on holiday in august for the first time without me for a week and she’s not looking forward to that but does I think appreciate that she did agree to it originally and now it’s all booked. (Plus I’m going away for a few days but she doesn’t know that yet)

Sorry 20 minute walk I mean.

the other night she just walked out and walked back (texted and told me she was going to) as it was their weekday after school to have dinner at his house and she asked to come back a bit early and he wouldn’t, so she just left (I was around so did go and pick her up halfway although she would’ve been fine walking).
I felt for her as she was desperate to come back and do some revision but then her sisters were ok for s bit longer and the youngest probably would’ve kicked off about suddenly leaving earlier than planned and interrupting her computer game

I would try and negotiate less time (with DD) if she stays.

Can she go there for dinner but sleep at your house? They're close enough that she could just pop over

Rather that telling you to force your DD to stay with your ex, he should be working out how to improve his relationship with other her so she WANTS to stay with him.

Don't let him put this on you.

If she doesn't want to be in his company and doesn't feel like his home is her home (despite it previously being the family home) that's a him problem that he needs to pull his big boy pants on and sort it out.

He's had 15 years to build a strong bond with his DD, but he hasn't bothered and he's only realising now that she doesn't really enjoy his company; he's the problem here, not you or your DD.

Really, don't force her. Whose best interests is that in - hers or her parents'?

You said she has valid reasons so rather than make her doubt herself, validate her and listen to her. It's hard enough being a teenager and hard enough having asd, really... honestly... cut her some slack.

And he has no right to get on your case about whether you encouraged her strongly enough!

Well ultimately no court would force her so that’s your answet. Encourage but don’t force. He should do the same by actually listening to her and trying to help improve their relationship

It feels to me that there is another important piece of the jigsaw to consider, and that is a girl's right to autonomy. I know the ASD complicates it but also... she's a girl who is feeling uncomfortable in a situation, and who is being taught by both parents that she should be over-riding her discomfort for the wishes of a man.

That's a really good point, that's not a message you want her to ever internalize.

I'd be telling her Dad you are encouraging her to have a good relationship with him. Then I'd be talking to DD about what she needs.
Children need different relationships as they mature. What suits a 12 year old can be very different to what a 15 year old needs. If you're all living together this tends to happen more organically, in a seperated family it might need to be addressed directly especially if one parent won't listen to their child's needs.

See what she wants, if she doesn't know discuss some ideas, listen to her, support her to work it out. Maybe she needs more evenings, but no overnights. Maybe she'd like some one to one time. If she needs routine, maybe the same one overnight or two/three evenings evey week would suit her better. Maybe she needs more flexibility, especially round when she's not feeling well. I would have found it really hard being somewhere other than home when I was suffering PMT as a teen.

It's not about what her Dad wants. It's about finding a way for them to have a positive relationship, this won't happen if the child doesn't feel comfortable and secure. I don't know if you can get that message across to her Dad, but DD needs your support. I'm going to have to stand up to Stbxh shortly in mediation, it's scary, but it's much more important DD gets what she needs than that he does. They won't build a good relationship that way anyway. I'd tell him you're supporting DD to have a GOOD relationship with him. Maybe you could make her do it, but that wouldn't help anyone and it could damage her relationship with both of you.