Can't handle the lies!

[LucyLLou79]

My ex and I split almost 18months now. For the 1st 6months when we split I wanted to try and work things out, which he said he would try, though we lived apart and in honesty lip service was paid to that! I then found out he had been having an affair for months, So it ended for good. It took me almost a year to deal with the hurt of that. I have tried so hard to be able to maintain a healthy relationship with him for the sake of our children, but I am finding it so hard.

I always suspected he was still with the person he had the affair with, and found evidence of this over the past 6months. I am completely over him and would never have him back but it hurts me that his continual lies not only dragged this out for me, and affected my ability to move on, But he is continuing to lie to his children (teenagers) daily. Ie he was away on holiday and claimed to be away for work, frequently doesn't answer his phone and while doing this I know he's living a second life with her and her daughter (not his). The continual lies is tearing me apart, and I know I can't accept this person ever coming into my children's life, but I don't know what to do. He has no idea I know and I am keeping his lies a secret to for the fear of what it will do to my kids and the impact on our lives (my oldest says he would disown him and my youngest loves his dad and doesn't know he had an affair, but I would have to tell him If she ever came into his life).

I can't deal with his lies any more, I can't deal with her in my kids lives but I have no idea what to do or how to deal with this.

Stop lying for him? Be factual and non-judgemental.

How is your eldest going to feel when they find out you have both lied to them.

If they are teenagers stop lying for him. If they ask, answer factually but without opinions or emotions if you can.
You can do nothing about her being with him or in their lives. You can’t change that so you need to make peace and move on for your own sanity.

I don't think I can be non judgemental. I can't accept her anywhere near them and I know I will voice my thoughts about her and who she is to my kids

There is a reason he is lying

if it doesn’t work out with her then he can comeback to you and kids- in his mind

so he’s not telling you Justin case it doesn’t pan out

You just say he's in a new relationship, has been for a while and you don't know why he hasn't told them himself.

I don't think that's the reason he's lying. As I don't think he would come back and I certainly wouldn't have him. I think the reason he's lying is that he knows I have said I would not have her anywhere near my kids and his relationship with his oldest is already damaged by the affair (they rarely see each other) and I think he knows the oldest certainly would not accept her so it could end their relationship.

Should it not be his place to tell them he is in a relationship. I can't tell them and when it does all come out I need them to know who she is. To do what she did proves she has no care for my children and the devastation she caused them (not excusing him, know he is more to blame than her, but I have no choice but to keep that surface level relationship with him).

It's not about "whose place it is"

Your ex is lying to the DC but so are you. How are they going to feel about you keeping that from them?

So tell him that you know and that he needs to tell the kids before they hear about it from someone else; they're getting too old to believe in "work trips" when he comes home with a tan etc. He's treating his own children like idiots.

It's a tough conversation to have but they deserve to know the truth, he's responsible for telling them and you're not prepared to lie on his behalf anymore.

He's presumably missing contact time with his own kids to play happily families with with someone else's. If he's happy to behave like that, he should have the balls to explain that to his family.

His kids need to hear from him that they're second best, because as much as it will hurt them at least they know where they stand and they can lower the expectations they have of their father.

And, just maybe, him having to tell his own children that (& deal with their response) may make him want to improve his behaviour and attitude towards them.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Unfortunately you can't say that you can't accept her around your kids - that isn't your decision to make. If your kids are teenagers it's up to them how they spend their time with their father, and their choice whether THEY accept her or not.

I would do as previous posters suggest and tell him to tell them, before they hear it from somebody else.

You shouldn't put words in their mouths re what kind of person she is - after all, HE cheated on you, not her. He is the one who did you wrong.

I think I am so torn with this as to keep it all in mean he continues to keep her out of their lives. And if I admit I know and make him tell them then I risk that she will be aroundcthem and I don't want that.

I know I have no control over it, and I do know it's the kids choice but I guess I am do hurt by it all, hiw they have treated me and our kids I just know I am going to be horrible about her openly with the kids (and that's NOT me). Despite what he did I have always tried to ensure my feeling about him is not portrayed to the kids. But that is getting harder with all these lies.

I actually feel like just getting on a plane and getting away from it all. Ive got teally upset over it today. I am constantly the one that's had to be there for the kids, I struggle to have any personal space as the oldest won't go yo his dads and the youngest while he go even when he's supposed to be there drops in/out of my house. (That's not to do with his relationship with his dad as they are very close)