Ex DP is driving me insane.

[gertrudemortimer]

This is really just a rant, I know there's worse things going on in the world!

Ex DP is in a new relationship and they're expecting a baby next month. The new partner is very hippyish and zen, I've met her and she seems nice and we got on fine. However me and ex DP seem to be moving further and further apart in our parenting since he met her.

The latest is my son has a sickness bug which started at 4am I messaged ex and informed him and said ds isn't at school, poor ds he's very upset etc. Ex's response is why? Did you give him milk? For context ds had a milk intolerance 7 years ago, it never caused vomiting. Dietician and allergist told us to start ds on the milk ladder 6 years ago. I've regularly given ds small amounts of dairy since, but never milk, yoghurt ice cream etc. Now that ex is vegan he's trying to act like ds still has a milk intolerance. The sickness bug is absolutely not from dairy as I didn't give him any yesterday but why would his first thought be to blame me rather than to show compassion for his 7yo son.

Ds is awaiting a camera procedure/surgery from a birth defect that's been an ongoing problem, it's with a highly experienced urologist at a very good nhs children's hospital, suddenly ex says ds isn't to go for the op, and we should get more opinions, new gf also agreed with him. Nice, who will get them? I've done every consultation and kept up with the various doctors since ds was born and he's never once been interested. Ds has been on the waiting list for this procedure for 2 years as he retains large amounts of urine and they suspect there's a blockage.

Now the latest is he wants ds to go to forest school for one week where he lives during the summer holidays, he moved away due to having another baby. Ds has no friends there yet so I was positive about him joining clubs before. Holidays (weekdays) are usually my time with ds as I work every single weekend but I have agreed to every request since we separated and we used to try and be helpful to each other. He sent me the link to this club and there's hardly any info there, it looks very DIY and it says the staff are trained in 'compassionate communication' so I guess no formal childcare qualifications? It all seems a bit too hippyish and cultish to be quite honest and I'm not comfortable with it as ds will be on his own. Am I being awkward with this or is ex dp just acting the twat? He's constantly telling me to go vegan and drink different milks.

He's a completely different person to a year ago and he's starting to really get my back up, I receive so much judgement from him about my parenting now he has this new way of life.

I'd be extremely supportive and engage in positive communication. "I think that's a great idea, obviously if there's alternatives to surgery id love to go down that route, please don't feel you need to restrict this to your contact time, I will of course make him available for any appointments you make- we'll keep the operation on the books as plan b" "forest school sounds good- let me know the dates"

I imagine he's all talk.

Also, you're not being awkward. He is a twat. But, you can't change him. All you can do is manage your own response and it's easier to noisily support than try make him see sense. Does it matter if you gave him milk, the poor child is sick, that's what matters in the here and now. Arsehole.

Just tell him to let you know where and when he has managed to get an appointment for ds... Amd that you have already organised ds's holiday activities...

He really isn't all talk, they do things like this regularly. Festivals and groups, yoga etc but ds is usually with them so I've been positive about it. Ds baby brother will be due the week he wants to put him in forest school and they're doing a home birth so I'd like to keep ds away from it as much as I can. I've no idea who they would send ds to if she went in to Labour when he's there! Neither of them have family around and ds barely knows the gf's friends as it's been a very quick relationship. Ds currently shares a room with her 11yo daughter too which I don't like but ex just ignores my concerns. It's such a mess! The thing is ex acts like they're the holy grail and perfect parents, it's like they're on a different planet.

Start to push back on him, all well and good he comes up with these ideas, but sounds like he also expects you to facilitate these ideas

When he talks to you about these subjects listen carefully is he asking you a question. If he does answer in a a few words as possible.

Has ds had milk - no

I think ds should have a second opinion on his procedure - ok

I want ds to go to forest camp - ok

Then do nothing, facilitate nothing and change nothing.

If he wants a second opinion then he can take the initiative and get one, doesn't mean you have to change his operations or dates

The sickness, just ignore him

The forest club, no need to do anything unless ex arranges it and then if needed you can wade in

Do they want him involved in the home birth? That might be their plan. Refusing medical treatment for a child of that age might be a flag so I would say that you are still taking him but he is also welcome to seek a second opinion. If it came to court they are likely to come down on the traditional medicine perspective.

Yes you're right I need to stop trying to make it work between us now and just be neutral. I've just remembered a time he made me cringe of embarrassment at ds's Sen review, we have another one on Friday and I'm dreading it. I hope the teacher knows we're separated. He bluntly asking the teacher if they plan on taking ds to a mosque as they were visiting a church the following day. Trying to be clever and 'catch them out'. He's insufferable! His parents are completely stunned by how he is with ds been taught anything about Christianity too.

@Unexpecteddrivinginstructor I really blooming hope not! Is that a thing? I thought they'd wait until Labour started then ring around for childcare.

You don't have to include him in your appointments with the school, or indeed medical appointments. He can make his own arrangements as you are separated and you are the primary care-giver.

I would suggest that you stop sharing non-essential information with him. Remain totally neutral, use neutral language, and do not offer to facilitate any of his ideas.

Whatever activities he decides upon during his contact time with ds is up to him.

However, at 7 years old, I would imagine your son is old enough to express whether or not he wants to be present during a live childbirth event. Has anyone spoken to him about this?

@AmandaHoldensLips I only found out it was going to be a home birth yesterday. I will have to ask him what his plans for ds are if she goes in to labour when he's there. They can't possibly want a 7yo present can they!?

Some families do involve the children, it wouldn't be for me but a quick google will bring up numerous stories - for example https://www.bellybelly.com.au/birth/siblings-at-birth/ . From the sounds of them this may well be the plan. They may of course have the baby when he is with you or if he is asleep at night, or they may have a friend around the corner who is lined up to have him.

Sen review was terrible. He turned up 20 minutes late to a 30 minute meeting and rather than fitting in with the conversation we were already having he made it all about him. He told the teacher he's going to be doing forest school too.. I didn't say anything about it but can he just keep ds when it's on the days we've both been in agreement with for the past 3 years are my days? No court order but the standard agreement unless both agreed is that I have ds weekdays and he has him weekends. The date he wants ds to do the forest school are 3 days after his gf is due to give birth. You'd think he'd stick to the usual arrangements to make it least likely that ds will be there so maybe they do want ds at the birth. God it all used to be so straight forward!

I would simply point out that the forest school days are on your days and you already have plans.
If his gf gives birth on time and they have your ds its going to mess with him as he could take being sent to forest school as being sent away while the new baby gets all the attention.

Keep a written record of all these things so if it comes up in future you have it to hand. Small things can often get overlooked but when its all put together you can see the bigger picture.

Re forest school it’s great for the children but I agree it’s odd they insist on having home more than usual around the due date. Possibly they’re hoping he will be at the birth but I’d be worried it might be frightening for ds if they have to go to hospital and he’s left with people who don’t usually look after him.

could you say something along the lines of ‘we have made plans that week since your baby is due, I expect it will be much easier for you to all be able to focus on birthing baby without having to worry about childcare potentially in the middle of the night if you end up having to transfer to hospital.’

As for your ex’s comment re veganism and how you should go dairy free or whatever I would nip that in the bud ‘please don’t make any more comment about my dietary preferences, ever. I don’t comment on yours’. Is he insisting that ds becomes vegan? If so, inform him that a vegan diet is deficient in omega 3, iron, vitamin D, iodine, protein and B12 - all important nutrients for brain health, energy, learning, immunity and growth - and that children brought up vegan have been shown to end up shorter than non-vegan children.

Re the operation, I might be tempted to say ‘please arrange this second opinion asap, in the meantime I am not going to delay or put off any treatment being offered’

As someone above said, if you did have to go to court they would likely agree that he should have the medical treatment. If he starts to act difficult, you might need to let your Dp know that you wouldn’t hesitate to go to court to have this issue determined because your ds needs treatment asap.

Not sure why the gf has a say. It doesn't matter what she agrees with.

I signed my son up to a holiday football club and let ex know and then he told me he's booked the forest school. I knew he was heading that way. We had an argument over message. Ex is saying he doesn't have ds enough and wants him more during the holidays (he can't have him more weekdays and he moved away from school!). He said he has him 2 days I have him 5 which is bollocks he has him Friday straight from school until Monday at school drop off. I have 3 full days and he has 2 full days. I think we split it fairly as I don't have ds on non school days until the holidays begin so I have all of the grunt work. Anyway I told him I'd be more inclined to agree to the club if it wasn't on the due date week and he still wasn't happy.

@gertrudemortimer unless there is a court order, don't enable the granola-daddy parenting whims.

He has good access from what you've said and you've "yes'd" everything until now but you don't have to do so.

Just make sure you are primary care giver legally because he may try to take that from you next.

And ask DS if he wants to do Football or Forest School and go with his decision.

@FartSock5000 yeah his access is fine and so is mine it's 60/40 and if he wants him for an extra day or whatever that's also okay but I won't give him more than that because the days I can have my son are set in stone due to work so I end up with the shitty end of the stick.

If the baby is born before the forest school I'll be okay for my ds to be there and attend it. As of now nobody knows what might happen. For all I know they could end up in hospital and then who does my ds go to? The girlfriends friends apparently who my ds barely knows. He's never had a sleepover before! That could happen on dads usual days too but id like to make it as least likely as possible and stick to the normal days during that week.

When he lived local he'd sometimes have ds for tea and take him to school etc but that doesn't work now because he moved cities and it's a 90 minute drive to drop him off at school. He expects me to sacrifice my only proper time with ds because he can't see him through the week during school term.

I've got an update if any previous posters can help me with what to do now.

Firstly the baby is born, they had an unassisted homebirth so no healthcares present. my son was collected by his grandparents a few hours before the baby was born thankfully. Ex told me today that they talked through my birth with some people/doulas? and he said the reason it was so traumatic and ended in a category 1 section was because we went to hospital! No intervention at all would have kept my sons heart beating he says. The cord disrupting his oxygen supply is just a myth. He forgets that I was in slow labour for 3 days on my own at 23 years old with shite support from him because he was watching the euros!

Anyway... I got the date for my sons procedure and it's in two weeks I've told him when it is and he's requested the name and number of the consultant. He doesn't want it to happen. I've provided the name and letter details because I didn't know if I could withhold it.

What do I do from here? Should I ring them or wait and see? Hospital won't be aware we've separated or that we disagree on medical issues as we never have done before.

i read your thread and the update yesterday and I notice that no-one knowledgable has replied. I have no expertise in medical law but I offer two suggestions for advice.

…Make an appointment with your GP and explain that you and your ex are disagreeing about treatment for your DS. I am sure they will have come across situations like this before and will be able to advise.

…Post on the Legal section on Mumsnet. There maybe someone there who is qualified in law related to medical procedures and children.

Good luck. As you are in favour of the recommended treatment, I reckon the medical professionals will be on your side.