How to not feel like a failure

[Somemenareshit]

Backstory - together for 20 since teenagers, two primary school children. I work 30 hours, he works full time and has a more senior role than me. I have stayed in my job as it provides flexibility around children and is very secure and other good benefits. We had a very rough/rocky year last year and he had a serious medical emergency that I supported him through fully but caused a great amount of emotional distress. Neither of us were in a great place by the end of the year but I was looking forward to the new year and making more time for each other and having more spare time and money due to the kids being a bit more independent/ able to stay with grandparents overnight.
in January he states he wants us to split up, he’s not in love with me anymore and I have made him depressed and miserable
in May I find out he has been seriously dating someone since February. They are both adamant that there was no cross over but I’m sure something made him not want to work on our relationship. Through all this time he told me there was no one else and we were just living separately in the house but had not told the children. I found out about her and the months and volume of lies that he told throughout that period. He moved out and kids were told. Two weeks later he introduced her to the kids against my wishes. They have been doing “family” things together, kids enjoy spending time with her though oldest tells me he wants it to just be dad sometime.
ex tells me how wonderful she is with the kids and how much fun they all have and how much of a great influence she is. He seems to dislike me a lot.
I feel like a huge failure. I have massively failed in keeping a relationship and am obviously such a shit person he didn’t want to do those things with me and the kids. I feel like a failure as a mum bcos my kids have to move and they want to see us both all the time but that’s not possible. I also feel like a failure for not being able to embrace the new woman just for the sake of my kids but I just can’t. In less than six months she has taken my ex, my home and partly my kids and she seems perfectly happy with it all. I’m left with two kids who won’t sleep in their own beds anymore, tantrums and fights and attitude. I get the questions and the crying when we have to sort through stuff to go to the new house. I hate it all and I am trying my very best to stay strong and positive and I love my kids very much. How do I stop thinking about them having the life I always thought I would have? I do I move on and be happy?
sorry it was so long and thank you to anyway who can help. Just to add I have had all legal advise and I do have support in real life I just can’t keep burdening people with my sadness and why was I not worth the effort x

Hi OP,

I am so sorry you are going through all this. It is so hurtful that he's moved on so quickly and really unsettling for you how quickly he's introduced this woman to your children. No wonder you are feeling so shaken and upset.

I am going through a divorce and my ex was cheating but this all seems fairly simple in comparison to what you're going through.

I don't know exactly what to say, except your ex is clearly an absolute bastard to have done this to you and to just bring some woman into your children's lives so quickly. You deserve so much better. Try to focus on getting through day to day. Look after yourself, try to see friends and do things for yourself (yoga/swimming/reading/whatever) and focus on the children. Allow yourself to be sad and angry, your feelings are completely justified- but also make sure you're doing things to make yourself feel better and start building your new life.

I hope some more posters have some more advice/words for you. Sending you a hug. I have faith things will get much better for you, this is the hardest time and you will be happy again

@Somemenareshit , your username says it all! You are not a failure AT ALL, get that out of your head this second. Your ex has put you in a horrible position and I would be fuming if my ex did that to me and my kids. Whatever he says, they are not having the happy sunshine time he is making them out to have, he will have just squashed down all his feelings and they will come out at some point.

I totally understand what you are going through as I am also single parenting kids after a separation and dealing with all their emotional dumping. Please do whatever you can to look after yourself and put those other two out of your mind, they do not deserve a second thought from you. You are incredibly strong and will grow so much from this. You are healing each day, even though you can’t see it.

You are not a failure. At all. In anyway.

Your ex on the other hand is an absolute fucking twat. Making his kids move out of their home so he can get his dick wet. The absolute scum bag.

Thank you I am going to save these responses just to re-read when I’m down.
I have confidence I will be fine if not better but some days just get to you and this is one of those days

@Somemenareshit How are you doing at the moment? I came across your post tonight and in some small ways I can relate.

Although we have no children, I can definitely relate to that feeling of being a failure. We separated in early March, and at the moment we’re still living in what was the marital home (now his home as he’s bought me out). I’m waiting to move out in just a few more weeks. I very much suspect there is someone else, and there was very possibly a crossover. He continues to lie & deny about that though.

As it’s regularly pointed out out on Mumsnet, whenever there’s criticism levelled at you and your marriage, there’s nearly always another woman. It helps them justify their behaviour to claim this, that, and the other.

Although things are generally amicable we have still had the odd row, and I can’t quite grasp, even now, how someone who once loved & cared about me, can at times appear to dislike me and be easily annoyed & irritated by me. I acknowledge that it’s the right thing to separate but feel such a failure that I couldn’t keep my husband & my marriage.

It’s incredibly cruel for your husband to bang on about how wonderful things are with his new woman, men are so often breathtakingly self-centred and appear to have very little or no conscience for what they’ve left behind. It’s not just your husband who’s like that and so it’s definitely not just you either. It’s horrendously common, the same pattern & chain of events everywhere.

You very definitely should not feel like a failure, he made his decision to not make the marriage work through thick & thin. And you certainly are not a failure for not embracing the OW for the sake of the children, I would say that’s expecting too much from yourself. I think to be polite but formal, cooperative but detached is something to aim for.

Although it sounds cliched, be kind to yourself, give yourself a break, cut yourself some slack. Sadly these scenarios are going on constantly, and you will come through it. One day at a time 💐 Vent on here, many ladies on here with children are going through or have been through it.

Hugs & good wishes.

thank you I was having a very bad day when I wrote the post but I am doing a bit better. I know I’m not a failure deep down and after reading so many threads on here I can see that the stuff he says isn’t the way things were and he is re writing history to fit his actions.
my main problem is I just don’t understand why we can’t be friends for the sake of the children, we were very good friends that can’t have just disappeared but it seems to have.
I don’t think I’m a big enough person to even be able to tolerate her so I think I’m just going to have to make sure I stay well away from her
I’m hoping moving out will make a big difference and give me other things to focus on