Struggling with the rejection

[AloneAgain2023]

I’ve posted before about my separation (March), and I’m currently waiting for a flat purchase to go through which hopefully should be only a few more weeks 🤞Until then I’ve been having to stay in the former marital home (now actually husband’s home as he’s bought me out & I’m off the deeds, so technically I’m a lodger!)

Divorce process has been started, and things are generally amicable. But the thing I’m really struggling with amid all the different, up & down emotions, is the sense of rejection. Things haven’t been right over several years really - he left once before in 2015, then came back, and I don’t think I’ve felt secure since then. I’m pretty sure his feelings had largely disappeared by then too. We muddled along until this March and then agreed to separate, mainly instigated by him.

The trouble is, as much as I can see what was wrong with the marriage, how much he hurt me over the years, things that I didn’t like about him, etc etc, I am finding the rejection so hard to process. I’m fixating on how long he has not loved or respected me, how often he might have lied / cheated (there was one incident many years ago when I found explicit text messages on one of his phones, which he still swears was only text flirting!! And doesn’t see it as cheating! 🙄).

I keep reading that feeling rejected is part of the normal process of separation & divorce, and I know that it’s true - I’m mid fifties so I’ve been through break ups before. But it’s feeling really overwhelming at the moment. Possibly due to getting older, but also I’m questioning that I’m now not attractive enough, fun enough, good company enough etc etc.

We’ve been together for 18 years in total, so it’s a significant part of my life that I’m questioning and obsessing over. It obviously had plenty of good times - for the first few years there were incredibly strong feelings on both sides, but since then?

I think it’ll be a bit easier when I can move out, but I feel as though these feelings are going to be around for a while yet 😔 Someone please tell me you went through the same conflicting, illogical, overwhelming emotions too!! Sorry for the long post.

Hi @AloneAgain2023 ,

I am going through very similar feelings to you. Was with my ex 20 years and still can't get over the fact that although he says he still really likes me, finds me attractive, isn't rejecting me but us together, he has decided he wants out of our marriage. It is an incredible blow to your sense of self and ego. For me I think it also taps into rejection issues I have had with my dad, so perhaps is triggering that too, and a general sense of low self-esteem from being in a not great relationship with very little sex over the last few years. But it's massively painful. You are not alone.

@Grounded03 Thank you so much for your message, it always helps knowing people have been / are going through the same. Definitely low self esteem plays a part, I think I’ve always had that, and getting older exacerbates it.
I realise that still living together isn’t helping - seeing what was my husband emotionally detached and living a separate life is incredibly painful at times. I am fortunate that I have light at the end of the tunnel in the shape of my future flat (God help me if it fell through!), but this will have felt like the longest few months of my life. And I do acknowledge that even after I move out, I will have wobbles and painful feelings for a long time yet.
You are left with those thoughts that life is now going in a different direction to the one you thought it was going - growing old together, doing things you talked about, going to places you talked about, even watching certain TV shows or movies you had done, everything is intertwined. And now that’s disappeared just like that.
But that’s tempered with thoughts that, was my marriage actually what I thought it was? Has he had one foot out the door for longer than I think? How many lies & lack of respect have there been over the years?
I’m far from perfect, and was far from being a perfect wife probably, but I always had honesty & integrity.
Let’s hope our futures are a little brighter 🤞

Hi @AloneAgain2023 How are you today? Try not to question yourself. A big part of your life has ended but you're in a good place and if things are generally amicable these are positive things to focus on. That and having your on place again. Feelings of rejection are common but I know that in time these will pass too.

I too suffer with the rejection and it’s been nearly a year. I often look at myself in the mirror and feel such disgust. It’s a hard part to get over OP, so be kind to yourself.

Why would you feel that way @Darknightsahead

It’s hard to explain, I guess I just feel like as ex one day loved me and the next day didn’t and the horrible things I’ve had to hear about myself over the last year has left me feeling at an all time low.

@MarkTwo thank you for posting. It’s true, it’s such a big part of life that has ended. I’ve lived alone before and loved it so I’m sure I will be fine, but equally I’ve spent 18 years living with, doing things, and going places with someone and so my life suddenly feels so much smaller. As is often the case, financially things will be very different & so options for entertaining myself and doing things will be a lot less than it was.
@Darknightsahead I’m so so sorry you still feel so dark, I have been there in this marriage and a previous relationship. One thing I often think & say to others is, if being in a relationship or marriage was all about looks, all the beautiful women & handsome men in the world would never be separated / divorced / cheated on etc. But it does happen, we all know about famous people down the years who have been cheated on, and people say ‘how could he leave her!’ But it isn’t all about looks. And anyone shallow enough to focus on looks, is likely going to end up rather lonely! We’re all about so much more than our appearance. Be kind to yourself - back at you 😌

Why would someone say those things after you have split up? Did the split happen quickly? @Darknightsahead

@AloneAgain2023 good times are ahead for you. Do you think you'll date again?

@MarkTwo I can’t see myself dating for the foreseeable future! I don’t feel a great need to have a man who in my life, although I’m not sure I would to spend old age on my own. OLD seems like a major turn off for me, I’d rather meet someone more organically but at the same time, I’m not the most sociable person so that may be difficult 😆

I know I’m late to this but I wanted to share something I thought might be helpful. You already know that these feelings are natural after a divorce, but that doesn’t suddenly make them go away. I found this really helped me to focus on myself and getting better after my divorce so see if this might help you too xx
https://iamlip.com/falling-in-love-with-yourself-after-divorce/

Also I had some trouble getting a good nights sleep so if you feel the same try this - https://iamlip.com/your-guide-to-a-better-nights-sleep/

wishing you love during this time xxx