How to keep the faith during separation

[lisrn123]

After 14 years together and one DS we have finally decided to separate. How do you keep the faith that this is the right thing to do? Our relationship has been awful since our DC was born, but there were definitely problems before that. We've had horrible arguments and I've felt very lonely and misheard. We have talked about separating several times over the past 3 years and now it is finally happening. I have moments of clarity of feeling I will be much happier without him and then feelings of guilt for my DS and whether I am the problem. I'm sort of doubting myself and my conviction. He is completely emotionally unavailable. I don't enjoy being around him as I feel so hurt still be past events. On the flip side, while I know I'll be happier in myself, I'm worried about co-parenting and the reduced influence I can Instil on my DS in terms of values (me and DH are very diffferent people with different values) as well as contact with ILs. This is even before we add in future partners into the mix one day. I'm also about to write off my chance to ever have another kid as I'll be too old to meet someone new and have time to have another kid. That makes me desparely sad. My head is a complete mess. The wheels are in motion but I feel like I'm sleepwalking and totally confused about the right thing to do.

Anyone?

Hi @lisrn123 , I have found that focusing on forward momentum really helps. Being stuck in limbo and the should we/shouldn't we drove me absolutely crazy, so I started pushing things forward even if it wasn't what I really wanted. But it takes two people to fight for a relationship to work. So pushing forward kind of forces the other person to step up and halt things if they really want to. Because my ex wasn't doing this, that was a clear sign that it was over. Just because you are confused doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I hadn't thought about it that way and this message helped clear my thoughts. Thank you.

I understand your conflicted feelings op. I was just the same, worrying that I was throwing something of value away, worried that my kids would be harmed by my actions. I actually left and went back twice, before leaving for good.

Looking back now, I can't really give any advice. You have to keep your eyes on a better future, but I know that's hard when you are going through it.

I can only say that if you're at this stage, you know that you need to move forward and make a better life for you and your son. Best wishes, hang in there !

I suggest you don't worry too much over futurevents but just keep doing what needs to be done.

Keeping faith is hard but that's what it means, having that small grain of hope especially whilst scared and feeling weak is faith. You don't have to walk your head held up high to have faith.

It's better to have a happy divorce than a bad marriage. However, it IS one of the hardest things/stressors us human beings go through. It is supposed to feel scary and anxious and sad and hopeful at times.

I know a lot of people happier after their divorce and I know a lot of people stuck together who are living in these toxic situations.

It IS hard. If it were easy then everybody would be doing it. I see a wonderful future for you, the right man might appear and you may be happier than you ever dreamed to be.

Keep going, it's ok to slip and then get back on track xx

It’s a very confusing and difficult time. Pretty much everyone I know who has been through this, including me, had similar feelings. The thing to remember though is your marriage wasn’t working and is not likely to whatever you do. Sometimes you have to be brave.

One thing I would say when you do split is to stay single for some time as there is a huge danger of attracting the wrong men when you are vulnerable. A mistake I made unfortunately.

Someone wrote here on MN that the best gift they gave themselves was one full year of no dating or men, just cosy lie-ins, growth and progress.

At first I couldn't understand it but now I do. When you truly know who you are and give youurself some time to heal, you won't get hurt by someone whilst you are vulnerable xx

Thank you so much everyone for the kind words. It has really helped. I think I was expecting to have this lightbulb moment of total clarity and confidence that it was the right thing to do. But the reality is it's messy and there's no getting away from that. I also agree about spending time on myself. I think one of the main problems is that I met him when I was 21 and hadn't done nearly enough growing up. I've now grown in a totally different direction and I don't think he's kept pace. Don't get me wrong, I still have a lot of personal growth to go but I feel I've outgrown the relationship. Im not willing to put up with stuff I was 15 years ago. And there's no appetite from him to step up,m. That's what it feels like anyway.

Good luck with it all @lisrn123 . We' re all going through the mess right beside you.

@cassiatwenty That's really interesting about giving yourself a full year. I am going to bear that in mind. I don't feel at all ready to begin dating but I can feel the pull for external validation. And I am terrified of my ex moving on quickly with someone else, which I think he will, and that I will be single and lonely while he's off in the throes of a new relationship.

Oh god @Grounded03 - that's how I feel. Can't shake the feeling. I worry that he will have a wonderful new life that will confirm everything he has said about me (plus have the opportunity to have a new family, where as I am extremely likely to be able to) and I'll be left being lonely with a massive egg on my face. That's the fear. Totally unfounded on the idea of his suddenly being blissfully happy with someone else but that's where my brain goes. It's crap.