Divorce and income disparity help?

[Lou1913]

Help. Where do I start?

Together 32yrs. Married 25yrs.
Two boys eldest 22 youngest 18.
Home mortgage free.

Entered marriage with a career but gave it up to raise the boys and enable husband career progression from ‘hands on’ to management
ladder. Everything was happy and rosy.

Then husband made some marriage rocking and shock character defining choices starting back in 2018 - coworker infidelity and a ‘fraud’ incident in a private room in a lap dancing bar. Marriage has struggled massively since.

I have researched, reflected, read up and went to counselling 18 months back and have tried to get us back on track but cyclical negative patterns have worn my efforts down. He handles it silently and is proud to announce he talks to no one about it and refuses to seek any form of help. He is in fact never in the wrong.

As we’d set out I saw both boys through to Alevels - youngest just finished.

On Monday after telling me to ‘f**k off’ he has said about divorce. He's proposed 50/50 split of house and bank account, wants to try not to use solicitors and 4 housing options - rent family home and split income, I stay in it, he stays in it. We sell it.

He's done and said some things that can't be forgotten. Trust, lying and disrespect have all come to the fore. Where we are now has taken away our long term property venture we had planned for my return to work and our pensions. My original career I'm too out of date for so I'm effectively a 50yr old school leaver. I'll be lucky to earn a third of what he currently does. I've clung on thinking he’ll snap out of it.

The division he's proposed is equal until you add earnings/ earning potential into the balance. He hasn't really mentioned pensions. Depending on outcome of job hunt and housing solution it's probable that I’ll have to use bank account money to assist with rent/live off - depleting my settlement and limiting my purchase options. Making his 50% seem bigger - trying not to sound entitled and greedy.

I had a free chat with a solicitor and he was informative and honest and left me feeling any sway on %’s seems to be a lottery. After all it was a joint choice and I stayed in it. Does anyone have any experience / advice in this area? I currently feel like I've done what he needed and I'm superflous to requirements now 😔

I'm sorry to hear you feel superfluous now.

Whereabouts are you in the UK as the law does differ.

You can make a claim for unfair economic disadvantage, I think, if you can prove that, not withstanding the marriage, you'd have been in a stronger financial standing than you are now leaving the marriage.

If a 50/50, then you need to know about all assets, especially pensions.

But also cars, investments, etc.

Some amount of spousal maintenance is possible, though rare in most places -- depends on how much he earns.

See a lawyer.

OFC he doesn't want you getting legal advice.

He has doubtless secretly taken his own advice.

You will need full legal advice, judges prefer a clean break, but you may be able to swing a higher percentage in thr break. You may also get short term maintenance, say for a year, to help you get on your feet. I am afraid you will need to accept you will need to work, you are only 50. Yes yoh might be stacking shelves, or doing telesales, but you will need to work, or go on job seekers

What is his wage?
The thing with earning potential is that it's gambling on the unknown.
What if he is unable to work in a year?

As above all assets will be considered including his pension.
But I would be accepting the fact you will he working

Well it could be 50:50 but that includes all assets inc oension

it’s unlikely he’d have to pay spousal ( maybe interim but more likely not as your children are grown up )

you may take slightly larger share of assets but again if 50% provides for your housing needs and ‘enough’ that may be what is awarded

you should seek independent legal advice

Agree with others, you will be expected to work - you have 15 years left and will most likely not get long term spousal if any at all

but see a solicitor

Right. First do not discuss any settlement with him until he has completed his full financial legal disclosure on a form E
just keep saying like a worn record, “yes I’m happy to reach an amicable settlement but first we both need to complete the form E and D81 - have you done that yet?”
next, go to link at top of this page form MN to ADVICE NOW .
READ THE GUIDES. in fact print out or share electronically with your stbex. Tell him you think they’ll be helpful to him to understand the process and complete his form E
In reading the guides you’ll find out the following

1. all assets have to accurately declared or it’s a criminal offence - 2 potentially
2. assets include everything including pensions, property , investments, income etc
3. division of assets at divorce does NOT start at 50:50 or any other number someone has plucked form thin air
4. division of assets is based on legal definitions of “fair settlement”. That looks only at future needs . There are 10 or so criteria that have to be examined and if applicable need to be used to determine what would be fair settlement. Only if there are sufficient funds to meet fair settlement and more des it usually end up 50:50 . But it will depend on your future needs - of both of you. These legal definitions are not there to help you, him or anyone divorcing- they’re there to ensure that what money there is , is split in a way to avoid anyone becoming dependant on the state - hence why it’s a legal requirement
5. any financial settlement you make, whether one you both agreee amicably, must be “sealed” by the court to make it legal. (Do NOT agree to any non legalised financial settlement - REFUSE , it is extremely high risk) , even if you both agree to a non 50:50, if the court sees fair settlement hasn’t been met they can refuse to seal and send you back to drawing board - a poster here had example of that this week for a consent order
6. You WILL BOTH be poorer - in marriage joint assets effectively mean you own everything 100% each, you both have access to it all and if one of you dies you get 100% outside of inheritance ( ok, not in Scotland) . With divorce the security and spending ability of these joint assets is stripped away. You will both struggle to come to terms with this induced poverty, no matter how big or small the settlement is. In my opinion the reasons couple cannot be amicable and fight over money, is that they fail to accept this hard fact and realise that it is better to give up some expectations to leave with quickest realistic settlement that hasn’t wasted £1000s on solicitors fees

the guides will help you, and hopefully him, to understand the most likely outcome under fair settlement you WILL get whether you agree amicably or fight it for years with the best lawyers. Only the extremely wealthy with very excess assets get settlements depending on how shit hot their lawyer is- the rest of us it’s a bit more slam dunk based on fair settlement then 50:50

the guides will also walk you through the process and how to do it as cheaply as possible they explain when you must use solicitor, when you might, and when you do not need a solicitor.

you do not need a solicitor to petition for divorce. It’s online. The government site is great, it’s where you’ll go for forms e, D82 etc and the notes explain them well (ADVICE NOW guides also have additional guides on completing all forms ),

so, agree nothing now. Declarations first. Understand how fair settlement applies to you both, then you can agree to talk and start process of negotiations of your asset division.

Oh, and sorry, yes, it is likely the courts will expect to you work if you push it to court made agreement. But it’ll be realistic- you’ll not be expected to suddenly earn his salary

so, look at that rule under fair settlement, take time to think about it, get used to your “loss” and changes that would be imposed on you anyway if it want to court to decide, and then come up with proposal of what you think is reasonable to achieve a step towards that as a consent order (amicably). You’ll have to give up some aspects of current position unfortunately unless one of other fair settlement criteria comes into play to say it’s reasonable you don’t have to work.

it’s very hard emotionally to cokes to terms with financial downside, especially when he’s the one that’s caused the divorce in your opinion. But unfortunately, outside of attempted murder and a few other very extreme situations, past or present behaviour of one spouse has no impact whatsoever on settlements. It’s all future needs- and if you need to prevent state stepping in then or in future for either of you, you will have to

Thank you all for the time you've taken to provide information and help....much appreciated.

It was always on the cards to return to work at this time and bring some extra in to the household for us to enjoy, especially as we've more time together with the boys older. I've been looking forward to a job for pleasure just feeling the pressure as it feels the job will now be more about money. The root of all evil.

It's raw at the moment and my head has been swirling and sleep has been in short supply. Again thank you.

Sorry, but everyone has to work to support themselves so you’ll have to now do the same

you’ve been v privileged not to have had to until now. So you can argue you’ve been disadvantaged by marriage but others could say you’ve been advantaged

regardless see a solicitor, think about a fair split and a return to full time work which will be expected

It sounds like he’s already taken legal advice and has been biding his time. If your youngest has just finished A Levels, you won’t be eligible for any child maintenance nor will the divorce settlement have to account for you needing more than one bedroom.

Absolutely get advice and half his pension too.

You can apply for spousal maintenance. My friend was a stay at home Mum for 20 years and her husband was a CEO of a company. She got spousal maintenance as she had no skills and although she retrained in her 40s, she got spousal maintenance for 9 years.

I understand your position. So many women leave their careers to take care of the kids. You don't expect to be separated after 32 years together. See if this might be able to help too https://iamlip.com/help-guides/the-court-process-of-dividing-your-marital-assets-finances-and-pensions/ Use all the help guides you can find on this link and the ones recommended to you in these comments on here x