Still no progress and struggling financially

[Enola72]

Almost 3 years into a divorce and still no further forward in terms of a settlement figure. I’m still in the family home (mortgage free) and stbx in his inherited property. Solicitor has just sent another bill of almost £900 for a months ‘work’ but nothing is changing/ there is still no progress. I am really struggling financially. Stbx hasn’t paid a penny in CM and has reduced his hours and cashed in some pension (£80k) so it looks a
lot less than it is. He can do this as he is over 60 - I am 51.
I had changed solicitors earlier in the year from a group in Bristol to one nearer home. More expensive but he seems good. But, a few months on, there is no progress and all I am being told is that he is waiting for evidence on the probate from his late father’s estate. The executor is, apparently, not answering emails.
I have amassed £10k on a credit card (interest free for now) due to paying for solicitor fees, house maintenance and all
costs for our daughter. The eldest is going to university in September but had been staying with his dad mostly but is not staying with me mostly again as well as having his girlfriend stay over a night or two a week! So, I’m supporting three of them now. Stbx hasn’t paid a penny in CM.
Stress is getting to me as my brother recently took his own life so there is all of the coroner’s emails and inquest stuff to deal with which is pretty depressing to read. I also have a very stressful job (not
my own field) and I’m trying desperately to get back into my own field but struggling as there aren’t any vacancies locally and I am now trapped to this area due to DD (15). Job is overwhelming in terms of workload and I am dealing with a lot of grief from staff (manager always off sick). My office is a converted cupboard so I get no daylight or fresh air and no quiet to work as Im
constantly distracted by noise/staff. Place is a mess and hasn’t been managed properly (I’ve only been there 2 years). I feel like crap that I have left a great career for this! Mainly as I couldn’t work nights anymore (menopause issues).

Houses come up for sale that I could get if I got a decent settlement figure but nothing is happening and I am still living in limbo 3 years on.
I changed solicitor on the advice of people
on here but no further forward although he does seem good in that he is pushing the other side to provide evidence of everything.
I am now on sick from work due to all of the above. I’m not sleeping well etc. Worried sick about how I’m going to pay this money back and my credit score has gone down (for the first time in my life).

I am starting to get dark thoughts. I cry daily. My smile has gone. I have no family apart from my children so feel
lost and hopeless.

When will this end?

I am hoping I get enough in a settlement for figure to pay the cc off. I’ve never had a credit card before!!

Solicitor fees are ridiculous!!! £891 for a few emails to the other side and a bit of time spent reading up case notes!!! Wtf?!!

This can’t go on. Is there anything I can do?

Represent yourself and apply straight to court for a financial hearing. Let the judge decide the outcome. The judge will be fair, your ex won't.

How on earth do I do this though?

What is causing the delay?

What offers have you previously made to his side?

I think I might be you in a few years time as my ex is a bully, financially at least. He knows I'm struggling to afford legal representation, brings it up at every opportunity. I'll be forced to use credit cards as my savings are sub £1,000 and my full time income doesn't allow any room to save, what with me paying rent - he remains in the family home.

He's using this to brow beat me I know.

However, he refused our offer of 55:45, based on earning capacity, so I think, for me if it goes to court, the judge won't look favourably on him. My solicitor reckons I could ask for more.

I don't hate him but can see that I might if this does go to court.

Hi,

He is ten years older than me. I have posted about this before (another name) and got some advice which was to get a better solicitor as I had been using a group of solicitors who were part of a supermarket - consequently they weren’t acting on my behalf as well as they should’ve done. There were errors in emails/letters, they charged me someone else’s bill and weren’t fighting my corner at all…

(1) I filed for divorce at the end of 2020. Stbx had inherited his father’s house just before this (to share with his sibling) and any other assets his father held. Complicated story but his father died 2 years earlier and had remarried so his second wife was living there until her death 2 years later. This was requested in his father’s will which was fine. I was already unhappy in my marriage at this point and had felt that he’d be ok (if I were to end the marriage) now he’d inherited somewhere. I didn’t want to hurt him/fleece him or anything but the marriage was dead. He moved out of the family home early 2021 and had his father’s place done up at a cost of £40k which he borrowed from his sibling. He then had the property ring-fenced by his solicitor. Meaning, I couldn’t touch it.
(2) He paid AVC’s into his pension throughout our marriage. I was part time for 12 years raising our 2 children so lost out on salary, promotions and pension. We had a joint account throughout our marriage. I am the bigger earner these days as I returned full time in 2016 and was promoted. He stayed at the same level throughout our marriage in an ‘easy’ role whereas I studied hard and took on demanding roles (we were struggling with childcare for years).
(3) He initially offered 50% of the family home. House is paid off. He wanted the pensions untouched. His, of course, around double to mine. He also wanted to keep the inherited property (his 50% share).
(4) When he moved out both kids were under 18 and both stayed with me initially. He paid nothing towards their upkeep. He still hasn’t even though I have claimed CM. It got expensive for me to pay the bills on the family home, pay all the maintenance costs, all costs for the kids (including phones, school bus pass, school
lunches etc. and this is without days out). Eldest stayed with his dad a lot in the end and I had to hand over child benefit to his dad although that has stopped now he is over 18. Eldest is on a gap year but is taking up a place at university in September so will be moving away. He also has a part time job which he will carry on with in university holidays. Eldest, however, started staying with me more and more and now has a girlfriend (who lives close to me) so he is here even more and they both stay over at mine. I still receive nothing from their dad. There is no arrangement set up for ten youngest and I have her most of the time. She has probably slept at his 5 times this year! When he does bother to take her out he takes her shopping and buys her all sorts of crap! Still nothing towards her school costs. She is half way through GCSE’s and I have also paid for all the revision books for her - not a penny from him.
(4) it was looking obvious that if I only got 50% of the house (which would work out at £135k) I would need a mortgage which would reduce my disposable income so I was struggling. My pension is already reduced due to working part time for 12 years.
(5) With his offer he would have a bigger pension, half of an inherited property (he needs to pay his sibling half when our house sells so he’d then own it outright with no mortgage) and half of the family home so the split was looking like 70/30 in his favour. I am aware he is over 60 and a mortgage at his age is unfair and unlikely anyway but it was putting me in real difficulties. So, I instructed the solicitor to bring in a financial solicitor.
(6) Solicitor group were useless but had charged me close to £10k to achieve nothing. New solicitor is very expensive and has probably added on another £5k in the last few months. I am being told there hold up is because he is awaiting evidence of the father in law’s probate but the executor has gone missing somewhere and isn’t responding to emails.
(7) This has been going on for almost 3 years and I am still in exactly the same
position I was in 2020! I have put a lot on interest free credit cards and have just received another solicitor bill for £891 for checking my files (again) and 4 emails!! I
think I am reaching the maximum allowed on the credit cards so can’t have anymore.
(8) I am concerned that I will
have to walk away from the solicitor so will have thrown away £15k almost with nothing to show for it.
(9) I probably won’t get a mortgage anyway as my credit score is now lower and I’m going to be paying back this credit card debt for the next few years anyway so couldn’t afford to then pay a
mortgage out of the disposable income I have left. I also have to pay towards my eldest’s accommodation for university in September and his food as his maintenance loan won’t cover it.
(10) On top of this, stbx has cashed in £80k of his pension so it looks
less than it is (he has apparently paid his sibling back for the work on the inherited property) AND he has gone part
time at work so reduced his income by 50%! The inherited property is now worth a lot more than what it was pre-refurbishment. I am still living in limbo and know I have to sell up eventually as I can’t afford to buy him out nor want to be in such a big house (higher costs).

I can’t continue to pay a solicitor so worried I will end up being screwed over. Not sure what to do!! I’m on the sick from work and feeling worse. I’m in tears
a lot and struggling to maintain myself in front of my team at work so I’m not in a good place! Next, I’ll have HR breathing down my neck. GP has given me suicide numbers to phone if I get too down!!

Sorry for the long post!!

I’d asked for £170k but they said no.

Even if I got £170k, I owe £15k in credit card bills plus future solicitor fees so it wouldn’t be £170k I’d actually have for another house.

My brother took his own life because of similar circumstances last year.

Oh - I'm sorry to hear that about your brother. 💐

I guess your ex's team are trying to keep the inherited house out of the pot? But sounds like you're ok with that.

Yours is a very complicated case I'm not sure I can add anything. Hopefully one of the many lawyers on here can advise.

I can see why he wants his inheritance ring fenced, especially if you may also inherit elsewhere at another point in time

regardjng the other pots ( house/pensions) what his offer vs yours. How far disconnected are you in your proposals?

I won’t inherit from anywhere as my parents are RIP and they didn’t own property. No other family left either.

If we didn’t touch pensions, and I took the 50% of the family home, I’d get £335k (this includes pension also as well as half the house). He would get the remainder (bear in mind he also isn’t paying child support) - £700k

Most of my share would be tied up in my pension.

I’m not bothered about the ring fenced property or his pension but I want a bigger share of the family home (£170k at a minimum) as I would probably be able to get somewhere without a mortgage up here in the north. He won’t have one anyway. I’m going to have to put two kids through university.

Take a look at the wikidivorce website there is loads of information on there for people who self rep they also have a calculator which you can fill in and will tell you the likely result that a court would order.

If you are working full time and living mortgage free then you must have significant outgoings somewhere? Because for most people mortgage/rent is maybe 20% or more of their salary? Or is it because you are off sick? I'd start with sacking off the solicitors

To be honest I don't see the issue about agreeing to 50% of the house to get this done? What are you holding out to get for what it's costing you emotionally and financially?

Surely it's irrelevant his pension is larger - you have 10 years more to pay in now since you are younger and also earn more than him so you have the potential to have a bigger pension pot than him ultimately anyway

Your eldest is at uni - and an adult - you don't have to contribute at all and they can get a job to pay their way through uni

Thanks, I’ll take a look

Yes, I am starting to realise it’s costing me financially and emotionally now. I feel absolutely awful atm.

I took out a loan just after the split to pay off some furniture and work was needed on the bathroom. I also had to get a car (not new). Plus, the credit cards still want the minimum payment. This, plus things

This, plus no financial support from stbx for the youngest is taking quite a lot from my disposable income.

I believe your eldest can claim support direct from his father. You can also ask the court to include university costs into the settlement directly.

https://www.wiselaw.co.uk/finances-settlements/who-pays-university-fees-after-divorce/#:~:text=Yes.,against%20either%20or%20both%20parents.

He is getting a student loan for the university fees. It’s the accommodation costs he won’t have enough for but I think he’ll be ok in the second year (he’s staying in halls the first year).

I think (especially as this whole thing is having a detrimental effect in my emotional wellbeing) that I have one of two options:
(1) I stop paying for a solicitor and move this whole thing to a court so a judge can decide on a fair split, or
(2) I ask my solicitor to ask the other side to give their latest offer on a settlement figure and just accept what it is to get this whole episode closed.
I can’t go on paying solicitor fees and my mental health is seriously deteriorating (to a point I’m now off work for a month and at risk of seeing my professional life fall apart - with a couple of people desperately after my job at work). I know I will need to get a mortgage as now way can I buy a decent 3 bedroomed house for £135k here. I also owe the £15k credit card bills (mostly made up of solicitors fees). Worst thing is, I will probably end up with exactly the same offer that they put on the table at the beginning and I’ve spent thousands on solicitors and got nowhere.
Not sure if I should see a broker about mortgages and options.
I am very sad that I am the one that worked hard for promotion and will now end up with a mortgage until almost 70 and will still end up raising the youngest with no child support whilst he will live mortgage free with a nice nest egg in the bank!
All because I ended the marriage. Long, sexless and loveless. I was dying inside.
I feel so alone in this world.

Research online yourself
do as much as you can yourself
stop spending thousands on solicitors which is having zero impact
get it to court and let tjem
decide- you really have nothing to lose and everything to gain here - they won’t leave you in the position you outline above with him being mortgage free and you having large mortgage into retirement

Thanks Milly. I think this is what I will
have to do. I just wish I’d done this in the first place instead of spending thousands on solicitors who haven’t made any impact. Do you know if I’d have to attend court as I don’t think my anxiety levels would allow me to go through that?

When I filed for divorce the cost was just over £500. I was offered 50% at that point.

I wish I had just moved it on myself from there.

You had a lot of feedback in your very early posts about this situation. That was about 2-3 years ago.

He is a lower earner close to retirement who inherited a share in a property after you split up. He is a lot older than you and had a pension before you married.

Being a lower earner and a lot older could have entitled him to a larger share of the house equity. The inheritance means that is not the case. And instead of you getting less than 50% he is offering at least that. IIRC the last offer was 60%.

The Pensions are more complicated than people on here keep referring to because of the age difference. It matters that he is a lot older and on a lower income. It matters that you have a NHS pension with other benefits included.

You are going to need expert evaluations and advice on this matter if you take it to court. His lawyers will argue to exclude pensions accrued outside the marriage. Without legal representation you will need to be there to counter it.

Do you know what value of your individual pensions were accrued in the marriage? Even if you can only crudely work this out, is there a large disparity? Then you need to get clear legal advice on whether you will be successful in asking for 50% of his total pension and if he can make claims on your NHS pension benefits.

Do you know what 50% of his pension will look like? You might not get anything for 15 years.

What does 50% of you pension look like for him?

Honestly I don't understand some solicitors. They charge so much to do so little. Some of the comments here have mentioned some good resources, use them and see if this one can help too - https://www.iamlip.com/ it will take you through the entire process for free when you can't afford a solicitor. Wishing you lots of love. Keep going, you've got this. It won't be like this forever. I hope this helps! Definitely use it