When do we tell the kids?

[margaretatwoodslefteyebrow]

Hi everyone,
Married for 11 years, together for 15. Agreed amicably to separate in March. Neither of us can afford to stay in the family home ourselves and I also want us both to have decent homes. Kids are 9,7 and 5. We are preparing the house to go on the market, bit of painting etc. However obviously the market is on its knees. It could take a while for ours to sell (large 4 bed detached worth around £600k) and find 2 x 3 beds to buy. This obviously won't all neatly happen together either. We had planned to wait until we had some interest in the house prior to unsettling the children and letting them know about the separation. Our 5 year old still asks most days if its her birthday soon (January) so the whole idea of introducing an indefinite period of instability which is hard for them to understand was something we wanted to keep as short as possible.
However, we haven't started the divorce process yet and I am keen to do this to ensure, however amicable, that we are smart and have it neatly settled that when either/both of us buys a new place it is not classed as a marital asset. The idea of having a divorce finalised and then telling them seems really deceptive to me? I acknowledge that we are being deceptive at the moment but I can justify that as per the above about the fact that we could put our house on the market and it not sell for a year. Neither of us could afford to move out whilst paying the mortgage. I feel deeply uncomfortable in getting a divorce finalised without telling them. I hate lying to them as it is. We are getting along ok in the main at home and whilst there are times of stress/tension we don't argue in front of the kids and are still taking holidays together/spending time together as a family. I just don't know what order to do things in.
I thought we had it planned in the best way and now I'm not sure. It feels it wouldn't be smart to buy houses whilst we are not divorced. (Financial/custody split is very simple so intending to do it as DIY as possible. Any advice/experiences on similar would be great. Thank you in advance.

That's pickle, it's one thing to separate but when it's a family unit, it's a whole different strategy.

I second waiting until you have some certainties. You are right that timelines for younger children are difficult: if you say something ‘will’ happen but then life appears to be unchanged, that is confusing.

The primary factor IMO is when living arrangements change. It may be unbearable to continue living under the one roof, and a bridging arrangement might be necessary - eg a medium term let on a flat until you can reach a point where the house is being sold.

It’s not easy, and I wish you the very best.

We did the complete opposite to some PP and told the children (11 & 13) quite early on in the process. I told him.I wanted a separation and moved into the spare room, DS11 started asking questions so we told them, simply we're separating, some things will change like one or both of us will move but you'll still go to thr same schools etc but it takes a long time to sort out the money so when we know more we'll tell you. It took us just over 4 months to actually file the divorce, the money side of things is going to mediation and our tempers are fraying. I am still hopeful I'll be moved this autumn though, we both need to move on.

Thanks @Anita848 thats super helpful.

Yes @Hawkins0001 they don't live in our house but just down the road, but they kind of feel like everything about mine and their lives was sorted and settled and now at their time of life they have all these changes and worries. I feel like I am/will be carrying the emotional toil for both the three children, myself and my parents and whilst my parents have been great I do find it hard whenever they talk about how bad this is for them when I'm kind of crushed under the weight of everyone else's feelings. They also really resent my inlaws who have not talked to me or them about it all even since they found out what has triggered the separation in August last year and that we were going to separate in May. I see my inlaws every week when they come to take care of the DCs one day a week in our home. They are just burying their heads in the sand!

Thanks @SarahDippity its reassuring that others agree with the approach we are taking. Most of the time it is fine at home so I'm trying to grin and bear it as neither of us can really afford to waste the money renting alongside the running costs of the house.

Thanks @neckoil I think we all know our own family best and you clearly did what you thought was right for yours, plus with the children being older I can see how that made more sense. Sadly as we still occasionally get night time visits from the younger two into our bed, Im still having to sleep in the same bed so as not to raise questions about why im somewhere else. Wouldn't occur to my STBEH to offer to move out of the bed even though he is the impetus behind all this as he 'struggles to sleep elsewhere', whilst I struggle to sleep alongside him.

I'd bide my time. We also embarked upon an "amicable" straightforward divorce, where he insisted he would commit to 50/50 and a long way down a winding road we ended up with anything but. I'd absolutley wait until you've got some more definites in the bag, although I do hope that it all goes to the plan you have agreed. It seems a fairly long process even if it all goes smoothly without legal intervention.

If you see the "divorce" as the rubber stamp on what has already happened, which is the end of the relationship, there might feel less impetus to tell them. We were living quite seperately although together for some time before the split, and so DC were very used to doing things with just one parent, not as a family unit, and that helped. Holidays, weekends visiting family, events etc weren't such a big deal after the divorce as there wasn't a parent "missing'. Hope it all goes well for all of you.