Sorry long one
I divorced reluctantly due to ex’s mental illness and his refusal to take meds. His choice to not take meds. But unreasonable to expect me to remain in same house as him under those circumstances (safeguarding).
I think it is a mixed bag tbh in terms of “greener” , but I also think you’re asking yourself the wrong question
you WILL be poorer - doesn’t matter when you divorce , like having kids, financially there’s never a good or better time. Don’t stay just for financial reasons . But accepting you don’t have the cushion of the joint assets you once owned is hard . I think a lot of people fail to realise that matrimonial assets are joint but in effect you have access and rights to 100% of them, each. So , for instance if your spouse dies you will own everything. You can take advantage of taxation across individuals etc (though that’s not always a blessing if you have one non earner and a higher band earner). When you divorce, you no longer have access to that 100%, and you may not, under fair settlement, even end up with a 50:50 .
ifnyou want to know how”fair settlement” and assets are split in divorce, go to link above to ADVICE NOW. Do some research on what will be the likely outcome if you do decide to divorce.
you will see less of any children you do have - i completely missed that point as our kids were in their twenties. Didn’t even realise the obvious that now their time for seeing parents with precious work leave or weekends is split between us. We didn’t see them loads as both are 200 miles ish away. So now I’m seeing half of that “don’t see them a lot”. That is difficult
I don’t miss the instability and walking on eggshells. I’m not as stressed. I wake up in morning knowing the mood I’m in will, pending something unexpected, will Still be with me at end of day . I don’t have expectations to be “happy” constantly - I believe that’s unrealistic for anyone and a source of unhappiness oddly, but I am content generally.
i do not miss the domestic and mental load of being married. Especially as I was also my husbands carer for his mental illness. He did do a fair share of stuff around the house BUT even I was shocked at the reduced burden I now have, and how much more spare time I have, living on my own now. Yep, Ivemtaken on more stuff like Diy by myself, but in reality he was crap at it and so I often had to do all the thinking but just not do the drilling- now I’m very good at drilling - my curtain rails,shelves and tvs are all still up on the wall🤷🏼♀️
I don’t particularly take satisfaction in being in charge of my own destiny in terms of finances or house. I was main breadwinner, earnt a high salary and retired, so I actually worry more about money now. But it’s settled down a bit and I manage comfortably.
I don’t miss being in a relationship for sex or much for company really. But I’m an introvert. Our sexlife was pretty dead for ages before divorce and I’m really not interested since menopause- frankly I give men who aren’t relatives a wide birth and often think I’m more likely to end up in a same sex relationship if anything🤣🤣🤷🏼♀️. In terms of company, I moved nearer my relatives and now have a much better social life. I’ve thrown myself into making friends, even though I’m a massive introvert, by joining stuff in my new area. I’m way busier socially and getting out most days socially as a result . I’m not as lonely- marriage can be awfully lonely in some cases, and I was. But now I have advantage that I can socialise then go home to my quiet introverted space 😉
the things that are downsides are odd ones - but pretty minor in the big picture:
so, i struggled with issues and problems that came up around house , financial etc as there is no second person also mutually responsible to make those decisions with, and so discuss or use as sounding board. I had to spend a lot of money on a buidling project and it was scary having to make the decision if the quotes were scamming me off or not.
Then I found, and still do, that all trades take the piss about me being a more mature single woman. The builder on my project deliberately verbally harassed and abused me once I had paid the last large instalment - I now know this was a tactic to get me to pull out as he wasn’t going to make the m9ney he thought on my project due to his screw ups. He’d not have been able to do that if I’d been married, and if he had tried it on at least I’d have had another person to share and validate what was happening. I had a mini breakdown due to this builders behaviour. It triggered my PTSD. I have recently fo7nd out that what I pay my gardener is more than a married friend just up the road whose garden is smaller, trades talk down to me, tell me what I must have rather than listen to what I want. Etc.
but germeslly I am finding random men are so rude and aggressive to me anyway now- This never happened when I was married with my husband there. It’s fully throttle misogyny - but I’m post menopausal and that doesn’t help I guess.
BUTl when I said you’re asking the wrong question, here is why
I struggled for years with making the decision to divorce or not. There were other complexities going on though. But in the end, when it got to burning platform, the biggest help to make the decision was to get information to reach the point where I could really visualise the reality of a divorced life for me. Where would I live, how much money would I have, what home could I afford, what would I be able to do with my time (social life) . I didn’t have dependants so you’d need to take that into account too.
The thing that helped with this was the ADVICE NOW Guides - I got a good handle on how assets would be divided under “ fair settlement” laws. Had the time to come to terms with the sheer unfairness of the fact his past behavoiurs wouldn’t be taken into account and that I’d have to give up a lot financially, and come to terms with my potential “reduced circumstances”.
I also read up on the “grief pathway” to help me realise that the feelings I was going through were a natural part of loosing , slowly, a relationship no matter how bad it had gotten.
finding out all this removed the fear of divorce. Fear is a response to the unknown- all the time that my future life after divorce was unknown and theoretical it was scary. I was holding back on making an active decision as I was afraid of what my future might be.
only by removing the fear and actually being able to visualise my life in that divorced state, could I then truly weigh up the pro and cons of staying married or divorcing. It took about 6 months to get to point where I was pretty certain. I then talked to a close friend about my thinking, I asked them never to say anything even if I decided to stay in my marriage, I just wanted a sounding board. To be honest, that day , once I had said it all out loud I pretty much decided that divorce was the only real option for my potential contentment
whether grass is greener or not is not the issue, you won’t make any decision until you remove the fear and uncertainties. Really do your ho,e work to visualise you life post divorce, then compare with life in marriage for next 5, 10 and 20 years.