How to live together with DC while separated...

[PeanutBellyJam]

We've decided to divorce, we are still in the first few weeks of making this decision. It's a mutual decision but on DH part it's not amicable, we are both angry and sad but his way to deal with it is to be spiteful and unkind to me... he told me last night we won't be friends and we won't co-parent well... I just have to accept that it's going to be hard and messy for now and try to do all that I can to keep things calm for our DC

At the moment we will have to live together and I'm not sure how long for... we own the family home but we have very little other assets. I work 30 hours a week and will need to go up to full time for the additional income in September once our eldest starts school... DH is self employed and earns less than me. He covers some of the wrap around childcare and none of the 'life admin' of our children... I am the default parent that picks up all the mundane day to day and he gets to do cafes and expensive activities for photo ops (I can see my micro aggression coming out as I type so I know the living situation is not going to work long term) I am looking at all options but for anyone that has had to continue living together what have you done to set that up? How do you manage dc things and time?

DH has asked for 50/50 1 week on 1 week off... when we divorce and live separately which I don't think is realistic for our young dc both are under 5... in this current living arrangement that's not going to happen anyway...

The cost of living and mortgage rates means I financially can't see how I'm going to leave the house and he has already told me he won't be moving out either even though he has a parent with a large house 2 mins around the corner... I have no friends and family near by so I also won't get any time away from him or the dc on his time unless I leave the house on days he has the kids while we separate but live here. I'm thinking that is what I will have to do though... travel to my family or friends for days/nights away from the house and ask him to give me the same courtesy. And then having the explain things to our kids...

Thanks for reading and any advice or thoughts gratefully received x

I think at this moment you need to come to terms with the fact that the home will need to be sold and start getting that process underway. Or he buys you out - but sounds unlikely if he earns less and is also self employed - or vice versa and you buy him out. To be honest it doesn't sound like a healthy environment for your children (or either of you) to keep up for very long. At least my ex husband had the good grace to move out within 10 days.

Just because he has family who live nearby doesn't mean that he should be the one to leave and live with them though.

Also bear in mind under a 50/50 custody no CMS would be due

@isthistheendtakeabreath yes the fact it's not a healthy space for the kids is really the priority. It feels overwhelming to try to resolve that at the moment...

Stbxh won't move out and I can't afford to, so we're stuck here till the house sells. I don't think it's good for any of us, but in my case it's just a more official version of the status quo we had, we haven't been in real relationship for a long time. Minimise the time you have together, remind yourself it's just like this for a time and soon you'll be mostly free of him and away from all those annoying and hurtful behaviours. We're mostly rubbing along ok at the moment, but I'm expecting that to change when he realises he's not going to get the outcome he thinks is 'fair' to him.

It's important to realise that both of you will take a hit with your standard of living. Stbxh hasn't accepted that yet. Also try to stay away from fighting about fault and blame, you are where you are now. The relationship is over and trying to assign balme or get an acknowledgment of fault will only keep you in that bad place.

I always think week on week off would make childcare hard. Would he / you consider 5, 2? So for eg you’d have mon/ Tues every week and dad would have weds / thurs then you alternate weekends?

in term of the now, can you put a schedule in place and whichever parents time it is with the kids is responsible and then the other one can be out the house / away which should give you some breathing space.

Thanks @EliflurtleTripanInfinite the letting go of arguments about blame is really sound advice. Detaching myself and now accepting this. Are you selling your home? Is that what you are waiting for?

@SummerDay17 I've mentioned the 2/2/weekend set up... he doesn't seem to be able to comprehend a 50/50 that doesn't involve it being 1 week on/off. I've told him I won't argue with a 50/50 but i don't think our dc are old enough to do 7days

He is adamant he won't move out the house and that's fair enough... I just wonder if it would be better if I move out and rent while he either buys me out (with help from DMIL) or we sell the house. I just hate the idea of the kids moving around 💔 and then I'm filled with the fear that if I do that I'll be forced to leave the kids with Marco or of he takes me to mediation or court they will let him have them more because he is self employed and is in the house. Then is that selfish of me... he doesn't seem to accept I do most of the unseen childcare... haircuts, dentists, dr's, appointments, finding nurseries all the life admin along with our grown up life admin and working...

I don’t mean move out the house. I mean if it’s dads weekend then you are free to do as you please which should give you breathing space…

cab you take then away for a week? Visit family etc?