Splitting assets he wants 60%

[Womanningupatlast]

My husband thinks the financial
split should be 60:40 in his favour.
we own our house outright and have 3 dependent children and 2 grown up children. One of the children has complex disabilities and the current house has been adapted to meet his needs. It won’t be easy to move to another property with him but I accept that this will have to happen.
I am going to be the parent with majority care. I expect husband will start off with good intentions and have the children one night a week, but I’m not sure how long this will be consistently kept up. He is currently throwing verbal abuse at me for trying to take his children from him, but he doesn’t actually do anything with them at the moment and hasn’t for years, unless I organise it.
I have lost out on over 15 years of employment and pension contributions due to giving up work when our children were young and then not being able to return to work due to child’s disabilities.
meanwhile, my husband has accumulated a private pension pot worth £150k and also has a final salary scheme worth around £600 per month in todays money.
I am now working part time but will likely have to give up work again when my husband and I get divorced. He is currently working part time but I see no reason that he couldn’t go back to full time. We went to both of us working part time in the last 12 months as I got sick of being made to feel like a second rate person for not working and paying my fair way. I only currently earn slightly above minimum wage due to my long career break.
is it likely my husband will get 60:40 split in his favour? Plus, he expects to keep all of his pension because “he earned it”!
I can’t afford to rehouse the children on 40%. Even a much smaller and cheaper property in this area would be unaffordable. Obviously I do appreciate that my husband needs somewhere to live too. He won’t be able to get a mortgage of any significance due to his age.

Yes, I know I need proper legal advice. I tried in a free half hour but it wasn’t very helpful given our complicated circumstances.

Silly man 🙄. He's very wrong if he thinks that is how things are going to go. My situation was similar but not as difficult as yours. I got 100% of the equity and kept the marital home. I also got a lifetime nominal order. Please please seek legal advice. Stop talking about this with your husband and start gathering up every bit of financial evidence you can lay your hands on. Or take photos, whatever is easier. He's in for a shock!

Also, yes you can do the donkey work yourself in terms of form filling etc. Indeed the first thing you should do is print out a Form E and start completing it. It's arduous but you will both need to do one.

oh wow hes a bloody trier isnt he!?

NOPE! YOU should be looking at 70-30
negotiate the pension but absolutely do not screw yourself over. Pay a bloody good lawyer, tell him your solicitior is dealing with it

now its all business, do not be "nice" because i guarantee he would screw you over (which sounds like he has tried!!) if he can

Do not underestimate the value of his final salary pension - this will give you an approx idea of the value:

OP just to say I have no idea of the legal situation, but if meeting everyone's needs is the aim, as PP said, surely you should get both appropriate housing AND a share of the pension out of this. You have a lifetime of care-giving ahead of you.

You're not being greedy, you're taking care of your kid's and your own future (and anyway, don't sharp-elbowed men, a group that appears to include your husband, say greed is good? Feed stbxh a bit of his own medicine...).

Divorcing him sounds like the right thing to do even if it's hard. I wish you loads of strength and equanimity, and that you get the care and support you need for your son and yourself.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

What bloody planet it is on. Not going to happen. Starting point is 50:50 then NEED with the DC being provided a home.

It’s is highly rare to get 100% of equity like mrsc

spousal will also depend on his earnings and ability to pay- by taking higher % of assets and equity it eats into his ability to pay ( on top of child maintenance)

your solicitor will help guide you through.

Oh for gods sake. This type of comment is not useful

Nope. Starting point isn’t 50:50.
starting point is the legal criteria for “ fair settlement”.

Right op…first of all use the MN link above to ADVICE NOW guides, that will explain process and how “fair settlement “ works in law, vs some of stuff on here which is incorrect

secondly; do NOT engage in any discussion with your spouse about financial splits until you have both completed your legal financial declaration d81. It will be helpful to do form E first and then summarise into D81. ADVICE NOW guides will tell you how to complete. I strongly suggest you pass to your husband and help him understand that he’s , er, smoking dope 🤷🏼‍♀️. All assets must be included which covers chattels, investments, savings, property, income, etc. you both have no choice on this- and it is a criminal offence to not complete it truthfully ( 2 offences actually). He can dig his heals in, drag things out painfully ( unfortunately) and run up legal bills but ventually he WILL have to complete it. Try to avoid cornering him, just be casual to say I have left you a guide on how to complete the D81 and a copy of the form. Hopefully his curiosity will get him to read. Forms can be downloaded from uk government divorce web site- there’s good easy advice notes to go with them

thirdly, once you have both done your D81, or while you’re waiting, use ADVICE NOW guides to understand what the matrimonial act legally defines “fair settlement” as : there are 10 or so criteria, not all will apply, but these come first to be met with assets you have between you. That may not mean 50:50 split if there are limited funds and say custody of children isn’t 50:50. Only if there are surplus assets post “ fair settlement” does the 50:50: typically play out.

even if you got to a point of amicably agreeing a settlement, and going a consent order route that you draw up, a court can question or even reject sealing it, if it doesn’t meet some of fair settlement requirements. This is because the law on fair settlement is interested in only ensuring assets are divided in optimal way to avoid state dependence- government doesn’t want to support one divorced party while other is leading a more than comfortable life style . Not unreasonably 🤷🏼‍♀️

you both also need to accept that past behaviours or what you as individuals have gained has NOTHING to do with what you get in the future. Even abusive behaviour is not taken into account. ( there are some rare and extreme situations where courts will take into account like attempted murder ). The courts are focusing only on future needs. Any settlement you agree, ven as consent also has to focus on that. You can spend £1000s in acrimonious debates with solicitors involved, and still be at it for years, or you and he can accept that in divorce you WILL BOTH be poorer and try to come to terms and accept that sooner rather than later

tge way to get acceptance to that is not litigious solicitors costing you £1000s and telling you what you want to hear, it is by both informing yourselves of the process, how settlements are determined, and what you will most likely end up with no matter how hard you “ fight”.

use the links above op, it’ll save you a fortune, especially if you can get your husband to read the bloody things.

Pensions have to be formally valued as part of D81, especially if a pension sharing order is to be put in place.
no,point guesstimating…it has to be done formally anyway, and she shouldn’t agree to anything until d81s complete and exchanged
just saying!

My friend has a child with complex needs and a highly adapted house. The judge ordered a mesher order until the child no longer lived at home or reached 21 with a buy out at 20% (in other words if she could raise 20% of the house value it would be a clean break, he got to keep workplace pensions worth around 10% so 30/70 split) her parents lent her the 20% and she bought him out. Brilliant judge who brokered the deal and spoke to her ex appealing to common sense. The ex stays at the house for visitation as it's set up for the dc (hoists, oxygen etc) and my friend stays at her partners place

It's a negotiating tactic. His aim is to make you be grateful if you get 50/50 or even 60/40.(in your favour).rather than the 70/30 you probably deserve.

My ex tried this too and it shook me for a moment till I realised his game.

This is sensible advice.

I managed to negotiate finances without lawyers but it took a lot of preparation and a willingness to see it almost in the abstract rather than putting emotions into it. We used a mediator and I was lucky to find one who was also very skilled at managing my rather difficult and controlling ex - so do seek recommendations

Do not engage in any conversation with him about it. Get a lawyer and do all negotiation through them.
Do not relinquish the pension. You might live to a hundred!

Yes it is but my ex was in the courtroom with OW who had been summonsed as she refused to disclose. He had moved into her lovely big house so his needs were met. I was a non working carer of our toddler. He had also spent thousands of pounds of our money having fun and buying stuff for his new home with OW. Judge awarded him zero. It was very unusual indeed.

No!

The idea is an even split to meet everyone’s needs, weighted according to remaining parental responsibilities.

So it should go in your favour. You were partners in your marriage so should get an even slice of pensions etc.

Don’t engage, don’t let him know you know better at this stage, pull your financials, see a lawyer. Don’t be complacent, and don’t give an inch - take everything you are entitled to, because it sounds like he will do little parenting once you are done. Also make sure there aren’t any shared assets he can clear out - freeze them.

Cheeky fucker.

Yes, agree with your comments. You do have to “ park” the anger and resentment a lot. And you have to have both come to terms that you’ll both be worse off.

it did help me that ex was mean with money and wanted to avoid solicitors fees as much as possible. I was able use that to get him to read and use the ADVICE NOW guides. Once he’d got his head around that and likely outcomes it was easier

No, each get whats fair and reasonable to meet their needs as best as possible.

If you are officially separated now (even if still living in the same house) then you could look at claiming universal credit for yourself and your children.

He can want all he likes but he doesn't get to decide. Get a good solicitor and get what you need for you and the kids.

I've been in your position. Disabled child, gave up my career etc although I did set up as a self employed web designer but no real chance of earning anything significant due to my obligations of being a mother to not only a child with medical conditions but also my youngest. When we split my brother gave me some money. I went to a solicitor, he told me he would never get 50% ( let alone any more ) I could claim both child maintenance and also
Marital allowance he also had no say over the money my brother gave me. I was reluctant to give any less than 50% and half of what my brother gave me because I felt bad he had provided for us all those years. His words were ' trust me, he won't care when he's with his new gf etc and your struggling' at the time I felt that was petty and in the end we went 50/50 on everything.... guess who's now struggling and who pays the bare min maintenance and I still get told I took him to the cleaners. Had I had my time again, I would have gone for more of the house and not gave him a penny of my brothers money. You want to think they will do right by you but they don't and it'll be you in the end struggling. Please don't do what I did. Take what you can cus I promise you, you and your kids will need it more than he ever will.

my husband keeping all his work bonuses for himself whilst I was left struggling along on carers allowance. He seems to think that because they were bonuses they shouldn’t be included as family money as they were his reward for working extra hard!

I feel like I am coming across really greedy.

OMG, he really done a number on you hasn't he??

You are taking care of all the domestics and 3 primary-aged kids, one with complex needs (I have 2 friends, one a widow, one a solo parent with a child like that, who will never be able to lead an independent life). They are coping, so will you. You just need to find your inner warrior.
Wishing you every strength.

Yes, he has done a number on me and destroyed my self confidence. I have been rebuilding it slowly. Going back to work part time has made me realise that I do have value and that I don’t need to be reliant on him and be putting up with his selfishness and put downs. It has been a slow process to get my head around the idea that I don’t have to let his threatens of divorce break me down. In fact, I just don’t care for his threats anymore, I would be happy for him to just get on with it.
I am under no illusions of how hard it will be having to meet DC needs on my own all the time (I have no family support) but it is still the right thing to do.

To the poster who posted about the advice now website…..thank you, thank you, thank you. I have spent the evening going through some of the guides. The pension one was massively helpful and whilst I know every case is individual, I have learnt things that I didn’t previously know which should definitely be to my financial advantage.