What can I do?

[Demi246]

Hi I’m new here so sorry if this isn’t done correctly just after some advice!

been with my partner 13 years and would have been married 7 years this year, we have two young children together.

I have been suffering with anxiety and depression for the last couple of years and my family are completely toxic I just couldn’t see it but apparently my husband could. I went to the doctors earlier this year and waited 4 months to get therapy which I am now completing. Husband left me 8 weeks ago, said I was horrible to him and that he didn’t love me anymore despite telling me he did just two weeks prior and still sleeping with me. After therapy I realised that actually my family were making me anxious and depressed so decided to cut them all off and I feel a million percent better for it, almost like a different person. I can’t get over the fact my marriage essentially ended because they made me feel that way and I took it out on him without realising it or I was always tearful and miserable to be around. He was everything to me and I’m struggling to see light at the end of the tunnel with no family around, no husband and my friends aren’t actually friends because when I’ve tried to lean on them for support they are always busy! Where do I go from here? My husband is being snappy with me when collecting and dropping off children etc and I just want to at least be friends but he says he doesn’t trust me and I need to earn his trust back but how? I gave my family my money all the time and was being manipulative but I’ve now seen this and cut them off. I’m being treated for PTSD and childhood abuse and he now knows this but makes no difference. I can’t move to start a new life because he won’t let me and I’m not a bad person so wouldn’t take the children away from him but I’m stuck and super isolated!

please help! Any experience? Will he come home after he’s finished being angry or is this really happening? What stages do men go through after leaving their partner?

Well done for seeking help and accepting that your behaviour made it difficult for your husband.

It's sad but even though you may have turned yourself around, he may never get over that period of time in his relationship with you.

You have to accept that and the soon you do the better for both of you to do parent without any drama.

Your husband sound unpleasant. Make yourself a new life, look forward, not back.
Be careful of being controlled by him, don’t be that desperate to need him.

I think that’s the part I’ll never get over. But I have absolutely nobody around and work have told me to take time off so I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve just been a mum and always had the children by myself anyway as he went off every weekend to do his hobbies :(

He’s moved back to his parents and says he’ll be there for a long time whilst he saves so can only have the children overnight one night a week which to me is fine as I hate being without them but also when I try and set boundaries so that im not essentially being controlled he says I’ve not changed which then makes me sad as I just want him to come home :(

So youve gone form your family mistreating you to a husband who is now doing it.
Please resolve to start again and be in control of your own life. Keep going to counselling to help you through. Seek new hobbies and friends. A new you !

Yes it feels that way but the way he’s behaving I know just isn’t him. I have no one around here so it’s hard to start again or meet friends/find hobbies! It’s a crappy cycle of going to work and coming home to nothing and now work wants me to take time off I don’t know how I’ll cope. The days and especially the nights are so long and I don’t want to turn to drink. When I have my children I take them out or play with them and we have the best time but when they are with him or in bed im just totally lost/broken. He was always the man you could rely on, everyones friend, the good guy. I know it’s all my fault but I never thought he’d give up on me so it’s so hard to trust anyone or anything!

Please can anyone offer different outcomes, im so done and lost. I am home but feel homesick for my house that’s now not a home and no one to feel homesick for!

Try this article to help you get a start on your new life. It'll take time, and it'll be hard. It's a whole journey of ups and downs but you'll be okay. https://iamlip.com/rebuilding-a-social-life-post-divorce-getting-yourself-out-there-and-connecting-with-people/
Put yourself out there for yourself. Give yourself the time and love you deserve. It's best to build love and happiness with yourself first as you are the person you spend 100% of your life with. Try this one too https://iamlip.com/falling-in-love-with-yourself-after-divorce/

It might be a long journey but so worth it so don't give up!

I want to send support and sympathy to you during this terrible time for you. It sounds as if you’re suffering from shock at all the dreadful changes in your life.

You say that you’re receiving help for PTSD but you obviously need counselling to help you cope with everything that’s happened to you. Your GP should be able to recommend someone.

Meanwhile, please think about what you can/can’t control in your life. You can’t control how your DH is reacting. All you can do is continue to be the good person I’m sure you are. How things work out in the long term is impossible to predict. I know this isn’t the answer you want but it’s the truth.

You can control how you manage with your children and making a happy home for them. It feels desolate just now but it’s still your children’s home and they need you to make it work for them.

Please contact Women’s Aid or another organiser if you want to talk through your situation. You’ve had a very hard time and support is available for you. Life without your husband will be difficult and a huge challenge but it’s one you can overcome and start to take control of your future.

If you can for now, try to go to bed as early as you can and get up earlier instead to make a nice breakfast for the kids or do some exercise etc which will get your day off to a good start. the evenings are the loneliest.

My partner said something similar when leaving but about my job not my family... but it's not really about that I realize now, it's about 'you weren't doing what you were told and you had needs and feelings instead of just being a pleasant happy person for me all the time, how dare you, I'm going to leave now and blame it all on you so I don't feel bad I didn't support you'

Ps please also explore the possibility that the anxiety and depression were due to burnout and un met needs

Agree with others. If your husband can’t support you and has turned on you, he is not right for you. Try to focus on self love, therapy and maybe see if there are any meet-up groups in your area you can join. I found it a godsend during my divorce meeting and connecting with people who had been through the same. Things will get better.

Thankyou for all of your replies! I know he isn’t perfect is just accepting such a massive change with no idea it was coming and the panic sets in when you realise the future you thought you’d have isn’t happening either!

Unless you have personal experience of spending years living with a depressed spouse, then you really need to stop judging the OP's ex.

This is why I feel so bad. I never had any intention on hurting him, I was suffering so badly and kept stuff from him from my childhood and the last couple of years there has been things that have triggered it. However I do know if shoe was on the other foot I would not have ever given up on him, my marriage vows meant something!

So things have changed drastically! My therapist has said that I need to stop hurting myself by still trying to protect him. I’ve asked for child maintenance..I’m manipulative and trying to fleece him. I’ve asked if he can have the children two nights a week but he said he can’t. He said he would call the children in the morning evenings but for the last few times he hasn’t and I’ve had to deal with upset children before bed and before school. When asking why he said he forgot or was busy so I’ve said I’m no longer entertaining this idea. I’m now in “trouble” for that. He laughs at me and knows what I’ve been going through regarding the childhood abuse and leaving me with no money and demanding I take his name off all bills so I’ve really had a lot on and whatever I do I’m wrong for.

I have no family now I’ve decided to seek help for my childhood. My friends aren’t actually my friends because they are too busy even though I’ve always been there for them through thick and thin! My husbands family are just hearing a one sided story and my grandad has just a few months left to live and he’s all I’ve got in the world. I’ve asked if I can move (not far) but to get myself a new identity but he’s told me absolutely not. Please help with some advice, all I want is a mum to hug or someone to phone me and actually ask if I’m ok..

Honey you sound like you are in a really tough place. Just keep going, one day at a time. It will get better. Read Boundary Boss, learn to look after you without feeling guilty. A traumatic childhood can mean you have never been shown how to look after yourself properly, and never been shown how to make, maintain and cultivate a healthy relationship with others. But you can learn all of these things. You have to start with you, and then with your kids.
I really feel for you; I’m going through a similar situation (I have treated my husband appallingly during years of delayed post-traumatic stress reactions, our marriage has not survived it, now facing a future without any of the usual stability and in a very fragile mental state). PM me if you want to chat. 💐