Struggling today

[Sadandbroken1]

Posted before but struggling today. About 18 months into a divorce (I initiated after not being able to cope with stonewalling, being blamed for everything, told I was awful, a bully…) but still in the same house. He ignores me completely, won’t speak or look at me even in front of the children or other people. I try and carry on like I’m not bothered but I feel broken inside.

Waiting for the final hearing. I don’t want to be greedy and I desperately want this living situation sorted. I sort of want to accept his open offer but my solicitor says it is outrageous and its way way more than the FDR indication, but I just want it done. He’s just lost his job as well though (since the offer) so I’m not sure that would even be enough for him anyway.

We did go to mediation a year ago, but he wasn’t happy with the mediator. He vetoed my other suggestions. Now he’s saying he wants to mediate again.

I just feel so exhausted. I want to give up. Working, trying to be a good parent, coping with this living situation…It’s so much. And now he’s lost his job I don’t even know how it can be resolved as he won’t be able to get a mortgage.

Sorry for the long rambling post, just struggling today. I just feel like it will never be ok and actually this is worse than when we were together.

Is it that he doesn't really want a divorce?

I feel for you, op. There is a lot of misery about like this and it's hard to keep your chin up.

I have no idea what he’s thinking. I don’t think its that he doesn’t want a divorce. He seems to hate me. He hasn’t even looked at me for a year and has said some really hurtful things in emails and court documents. I have asked what I need to do to make the situation better but never had an answer.

Do not concede!

I understand your struggles, honestly, but what’s he asking for is outrageous and you honestly would regret it. Please hang in there, dont engage, do t agree mediation again, just pursue the FDH and stick to your guns

you will come out the other side and you are a good parent - he’s trying to wear you down in a war of attrition. Don’t let him

Listen to your solicitor.

Don't pay any attention to what dicky says, it's all about control, he doesn't give a shit about mediation, he just wants you to suffer all the more, as if you haven't enough already.

There's no point in asking him how you can make things better. You can't. He is dictating the narrative here, he doesn't want things to be better, he wants to make you unhappy and control you. That is what he is thinking.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid? It sounds like you need some RL support while you're going through this.

Yes, I’ve had some great support from Women’s Aid, which has really helped but sometimes I just doubt myself so much and I’m so tired of it all.

The abuse is designed to make you doubt yourself. Don't.

I know it's difficult and I know it's exhausting but you will get there. Keep focusing on how you want your family life in the future to be and putting one foot in front of the other, take all the support you can get and keep posting if it helps.

Play dicky at his own game and don't engage with him unless absolutely necessary. Don't show any emotion, grey rock if you need to speak to him.

Try and do nice things for yourself every day, no matter how small. Those little things will tell your body and mind that you are worth treating well, they will help build you up and keep you going till you're able to flourish.

Oh, and most of all, do not doubt yourself

I have to put in my statement for the final hearing soon and I’m trying to keep things as neutral and I can because I hate this so much. I don’t want to argue about money, I don’t mind him having more than half, I don’t want to inflame things but I know it will. I feel so stuck. I never in a million years thought it would come to this.

Don't sell yourself short OP. Listen to your solicitor. Good luck x

I don’t mind him having more than half

Unless he is actually entitled to more than half, as @PurpleReindeer2 said, don't sell yourself, or your children, short. He doesn't deserve it.

I don’t want to inflame things but I know it will

Whatever you do or don't do, it will inflame things. That is the nature of dicky, he will always react negatively, you could give him the world and it still wouldn't be enough. His sole aim is making things as difficult for you as possible, making you as miserable as possible. So please don't think that by giving him more than he's due it'll help, because it won't. Nothing will.

I never in a million years thought it would come to this.

I know

Be led by your solicitor, not your abusive husband.

I feel for you so much
you will get there, and you will be able to move out and live separately, each day is a day closer to that.

I think you’ll find if you’re living separately you’re much stronger and able to deal with everything.

I can sympathise with you feeling like you haven’t got the energy to fight and just want it done.
im in a similar situation and it’s hard having (well meaning) friends saying I should ‘fight him’ etc. end of the day you need to make the decision weighing up all the factors.

Having said that, I’m fearful of rolling over now to get it done and then regretting it in future.

my ex refuses to engage with solicitors or mediation and says it has to be just agreed between us. He is proposing to

have more than half…. It’s to do with inheritance which I’ve been advised is in the matrimonial pot which he doesn’t accept.
I’ve reached a point now where I just need enough for the 3 Dc and me. I don’t fear court in that I know I’d get awarded more than what he’s offering but I also know it would be horrible and unpleasant and stressful and adversely affect the kids.

Anyway hang in there, move out as soon as you possibly can and you will get there x

Sorry for posting again. I’m having another bad today. I’ve just spent the last hour crying after a difficult morning getting my kids off to school (one of them was refusing to put on her shoes…) I feel really embarrassed that this was going on while ex was around, just ignoring me.

I feel like such a failure. I read a thread earlier where people were talking about how their parents divorce messed them up. I feel so guilty for messing up my kids lives.

I hate being in the house with him ignoring me. I’m always on edge and I feel like I’m a terrible parent as a result. I feel so guilty that I ended the marriage. Maybe I deserve it though.

Now he’s lost his job and maybe that’s because of the stress I’ve put him under. I just feel so overwhelmed by it all.

I thought I was doing the right thing. Women’s Aid have said he was emotionally abusive - stonewalling, blaming etc - but what if I got it wrong? And anyway, even if I wasn’t wrong, leaving was supposed to be better. But it’s not. This is so much worse, so I should have stayed. I feel like everything says it is better to leave a toxic relationship but it isn’t. I just feel broken. And the system doesn’t care - I’m stuck in this house unless I agree to pay him loads more than my solicitor says is reasonable. But maybe she’s wrong.

I just don’t know what to do.

I feel like such a failure.

No. You are trying to hold everything together, keeping your family's wheels turning while still being abused, but he has ramped it up because he is angry at you for ending the marriage. This is not down to you, it's down to him. Please don't blame yourself.

I feel so guilty for messing up my kids lives.

You haven't messed up their lives, their father did by being abusive. You are trying to make a better life for them and you by getting away from the abuse. If he wasn't abusive you wouldn't have to be doing this. Please don't blame yourself.

Maybe I deserve it though.

Stop that right now! Nobody deserves to be abused. If he wasn't abusive you wouldn't want away from him. You do not deserve this, your children do not deserve this. Would you think anybody else going through what you're going through deserves what he's doing? No, nor do you. Please don't try taking responsibility for the actions he refuses to take responsibility for. Do you have any anger in there? You need to start finding your anger, who the fuck does this no mark think he is treating you and your children the way he does, he's nothing but a weak little 'man'. Strong men don't abuse.

I hate being in the house with him ignoring me.

As I said before, start playing him at his own game. Pretend he's not there, work round him, don't try to get attention or reaction from him. ALL of his behaviour is abusive and the more you want from him the less he'll give and that's just setting him up to abuse you all the more. Grey rock.

And if by any chance that works and he stops stonewalling you - don't be fooled. It is not things improving, it's just another tactic of the abuse. He will be trying to give you a false sense of security. Never trust this man, ever.

Now he’s lost his job and maybe that’s because of the stress I’ve put him under.

Back to point 1. If he didn't abuse you you wouldn't have ended the marriage. This is not your doing. Can't you see that you're not responsible for his behaviour? Please don't blame yourself.

It's so much worse because he has escalated his abusive behaviour because you've injured his ego. It was never going to be easy staying in the same house. Are you still in touch with Women's Aid? I really think it would be a good idea for you to try and speak to someone again today, if possible. Just for a bit of RL support.

Please @Sadandbroken1 , stop blaming yourself

I posted on aibu about the silent treatment which was stupid of me., Looking for traffic really because i’m lonely and struggling. The responses seem to be “well you filed for divorce, what do you expect?” Someone said I should be thankful. I really appreciate the support here. I just wish I could get my head straight. It just feels like someone can be emotionally abusive, so you end the relationship, the behaviour continues and then people think its justified. I thought there would be more support, but I’m the bad guy, so everyone feels sorry for him, I’m just left struggling.

No. Aibu is bonkers

@Sadandbroken1

I know it feels never ending and truly my divorce was one of the worst if not the worst time of my life but it won't be like this for ever. Keep going.

You're doing your best in awful circumstances.

This will be over eventually.

Raise your hand in the air.

Now slap it down and repeat after me: "Ah, fuck him."

Repeat until you feel better

🌺

Aibu is not the forum for support !
it’s a nasty place

snd they don’t know ( or care ) about the backstory
get your thread deleted and just keep posting here

they don’t know what’s he’s done, what he’s pushing for, how awful and j realistic he’s being

Thanks for the support. I have learnt my lesson about posting there. I couldn’t get it deleted but it has been moved. I can’t even believe I’m posting like this. I’m definitely cracking up…

No. You're not cracking up. I feel the same sometimes.

But it's one day at a time.

Or even one hour at a time.

One foot in front of the other.

Some days are horrific. I hate getting an email from my solicitor because I know he's communicated some crap. I loathe hearing from him. It triggers panic and distress in me.

After a day, it's calmer again.

Do you exercise? It helps.

Hi, so sorry you are going through this and I am still trying to get out of something similar. 18 months ago I decided to split and we have lived in same house till about 2 weeks ago when he finally moved to his flat. I get what everyone is saying about the abuse and not giving in etc but after trying to please someone for 20 years its not easy to shift our mindset. I found out I was happier and my life was easier if I gave him some wins and it made things less shitty for kids so despite people thinking I was being foolish, it meant I am slowly getting things done as I manage his anger and try to make things better for him. He also wasnt working while we were separating and was feeling desperate about financial situation so I helped him get a job and spent money thag would otherwise be wasted on solicitors to get him to a better place so he felt stronger to move on. In the end of the day he will still be around you for years to come with kids in the scene so even if it may seem ill advice, it is working for me. I did the divorce and everything diy so he didnt feel (even more) betrayed and final step now is him signing financial settlement but all money is already split so just waiting for a good time to bring it up again. We learn to ignore the abuse, its not about you but his crazyness. He will never ever change and my "ex" still hates me but is decent when he feels he's somehow winning. I even lived in his flat for 6 weeks when he refused to leave my house and was portraying myself to be happy so he eventually wanted that for himself. Very basic reverse psychology.
I had many moments of doubt, despair and wanting to give up as his anger escalated and feared for my and kids safety, but I like to believe I'm managing him now. After talking to solicitors, womens aid etc I didnt feel that I would enjoy life and feel safe even if I had restraining orders etc. It felt like it'd be a lifelong battle and constant stress and fear, whereas keeping him happy makes my life easier so be it. My kids are older (16 and 13) so I started explaining things to them and educating too on abuse and how his mind works. You wont mess your kids up.
I know every person and case is different, and obviously will never know what might have happened if I did put solicitors and stone walled him etc but my feeling is it'd made things worse for me. So even if people think I am being too nice to someone who has been awful, I can understand his thinking/feelings (even if they are from someone who has likely serious personality disorder) and I need to learn to live with it.
It's not fair, but neither are so many much worse shit people have to deal with in life. At least I have my health, friends, amazing kids and starting a new (still secret) relationship with an amazing man. You will get there but it'll take time. Be patient and follow your gut - you know him best and how you should manage the situation to get your peace of mind. Good luck xx

Just should add agree that you should never trust him even if things eventually seem better. I know I'll always have to be careful, it's maybe what living in Russia feels like or something. But you will find a way to make space for a new life and he will be less and less meaningful. He is slowly realising his tantrums dont affect me - I just ignore and then act nice like nothing happened. I dont give fuel to the fire. He will never acknowledge your "bad behaviour" (going cold etc) is a reaction to him. Its never their fault, always ours, so as long as you and your kids know that's not true, I prefer to just be nice. They go low, we go high. I dont feed resentment or anger, and still wish him well. My kids lives are better if he is well so it's a weird type of selfish move. But dont ever feel guilty or embarassed, I felt really stupid and weak for even getting myself into this situation as it obviously builds up over the years without us noticing it. I had everyone telling me I should be harder on him but I always thought I could make it better. I'm still months away from being more free as still need to sort finances and kids times etc and it may be god knows how long before I feel its safe to bring new bf into the scene, but I don't feel stressed and can function as a mother, at work and have fun when he's not around, which is increasingly more now he's out. You'll get there. Keep visualising it, eye on the prize.