Shared costs for the children

[Mumof3confused]

My ex and I share the childcare 50:50. The ‘agreement’ is that agreed costs for the children are also shared equally. I’m reality he does not pay a penny towards them. Says he can’t afford essential uniform or simply does not respond when I ask him if he agrees to certain costs - all long-standing clubs, non negotiable things such as uniform etc.

He earns more than me, has removed my access to all income from joint investments and claims+keeps all child benefit despite earning above the threshold (rather than letting me claim some he would rather repay it to the government).

We have an FDR coming up. whenever the issue is brought up with his solicitors they maintain he ‘continues to share financial responsibility for the children’ which of course is nonsense.

I am hoping to settle at the FDR but is there anything I can do/request other than that the costs for the children are shared? Is there anything I can do to force him to provide for their basic needs such as coats, uniform, shoes, hair cuts etc?

The CMS rules on zero support in a 50:50 shared care is that you both equally share time AND costs. If he isn’t doing the later, then you could claim. But you will need to focus in on living costs.

Well he pays his own living costs.

Don’t send clothes, uniform, toothbrushes or any toys to his house, for a start.

For the clubs, it’s tougher. If he doesn’t agree with the children attending, it’s up to you to pay if you want to and can afford it.

For the benefits, get it agreed via solicitors to claim for one child each.

We do share uniform, I can’t send the kids to school naked. The rest is mostly not shared (although the children do always end up bringing things to his and how can I stop them when he doesn’t provide clothes that fit? It isn’t fair on them).

He doesn’t have an issue with the children attending and he takes them to the clubs himself! He just doesn’t agree to pay or ignores all communication about payment. I pay for the ones the children have done for a long time and which they adore, to support their mental health. I also pay for swimming because it is an essential skill as far as I’m concerned. He knows I will simply fork out.

His solicitors are useless and won’t engage in any reasonable communication. They are bullies and extremely malicious. Getting nowhere with them whatsoever.

I had this problem, OP, and it was an absolute nightmare and at the time our contact pattern wasn't week on/week off. We ended up in court, we got week on/week off agreed and now I don't send anything over there as changeover is on a Sunday evening.

With regards to hobbies, I reduced them both down to one sport I could afford to continue and then say no to all other requests 'ask your dad' became my refrain. For his favourite child he now pays for an additional hobby. It is awful but use your solicitor and the legal process to iron this out as much as you can.

In the end I had no alternative other than to explain to the children that I pay for everything and couldn't afford to continue. I also no longer let them have school dinners on my time as he would use up all my credit in their online accounts, I informed the school that any outstanding money should be claimed from their father as it was nothing to do with me. With school trips, I get the DC to confirm that they are allowed to attend and their father will pay half. I then pay half to school and no more, he has, so far, always paid up but I'm prepared to let them miss something if not. It is a right pain but I cut off as many avenues for him to take the piss as possible.

Thanks this is perhaps what I will have to do also but this year I’ve paid out about £800 for school residentials, £300 for uniform (all branded and non negotiable), hundreds for clubs (some very expensive), passport renewal…the list goes on. I couldn’t deprive the children. I’ve left one club to him to pay and we keep getting chased with the fee outstanding, he knows I’ll crack because I always do. And I worry our daughter won’t be allowed to continue which would devastate her. Just unbelievable.