What is the benefit of divorcing through mediation over court, with an abusive partner?

[whycantitbecalm]

Ok Backstory:

My husband spent many years emotionally controlling me, and our children. Very angry, would blow up over the smallest thing, so you didn't know it was coming, and it would become the end of the world in his head.

He was diagnosed with Emotionally unstable personality disorder 3 years ago.

I asked him for a divorce the beginning of this year and he went into FULL victim mode. Making people in our lives feel sorry for him, because I had never told anyone apart from my best friend what the last 20 years were like, they believe him.

We are attempting to do this through mediation, work of the moment is amicable! But he has already told the mediator that I spent years saying her had mental health problems (which he does) and that me saying that made him depressed! which isn't true.

He failed to tell the mediator that a doctor agreed with my suggestion of mental health issues and that he was given a treatment plan etc.

I hadn't mentioned it to the mediator, to protect him (what a fool I was) so now I'm worried she'll actually believe he's a victim in this and what's the point in mediating with someone who's word can't be trusted anyway.

My Actual Question: Is it worth us even trying mediation? has anyone actually got anywhere doing it that way with someone like this.

Mediation is absolutely not right for you in this situation. I'd email the mediator and explain the situation and I'd imagine they will agree. Mediation is never recommended in an abusive situation.

I said "situation" far too much there but you get my drift!

As above, mediation should not be entered into where there is abuse.

Don't worry about what he's telling friends and family you're up to, ignore. It will all come out in the wash, bide your time, don't bite. Head down and do what you need to do to get things wrapped up as quickly and reasonably as possible, and do not sell yourself down the river in the efforts to have an Amicable Divorce. They're not always possible, and that's ok. You're looking for the best outcome, and that's a wide ranging spectrum.

As stated above mediation isn’t suitable for marriages where there has been abuse.

Your mediation session are being spent discussing whose fault it was. It is irrelevant to the fact you are splitting and won’t change the things you need to get agreed. Which are the financial split and shared parenting.

If you are not making progress in these two areas then definitely stop the mediation. It’s going nowhere. He is using the forum to play out DAVRO, by accusing you of gaslighting him when there is evidence of a disorder that caused his own behaviour. In a way he has thrown you a solid by raising those issues.

Get a solicitor and ask them to act on your behalf including shutting down the mediation. The jump to court action. You would end up there anyway with an abuser sooner or later.

I agree with the other comments - mediation does not seem like a good idea in this situation. However, if you can't afford to go to court try this https://www.iamlip.com/ it will guide you through the entire process completely free.
This will better help you get out of the situation. Also reach out to any charities you can that deal with this kind of abuse. They can also help you and give you some support.
Wishing you good health and luck!

Yes I'm in a similar situation. There are many good charities out there that can help you e.g. women's aid. Check out what resources are available in your area. Also the link posted above from Alex is very helpful. Please use it as I stayed in my bad relationship for years because I couldn't afford to divorce. Wish I had it earlier.

Mediation doesn't work with abusers. I tried it, still absolutely horrified any time I read back on the mediation the ludicrous things I was agreeing to via it

It just prolonged things and was another weapon towards me and my child

It's for you OP to decide if Mediation can work for you.

To respond to your question though: the most elemental lesson for a mediator is that they gave to remain impartial at all time. They should have explained this at the MIAM.

The mediator will also have trained to recognise people who look to come across as victims and not let it affect mediation.

The mediator is there to guide you in coming up with joint decisions, not to take part, feel sorry for anyone and certainly not to give advise on who is right or wrong regardless of what they might think.