Supporting DH through Separation

[sunpisces]

Ended my marriage with DH 2 weeks ago and he has since moved out of the home but feel like I am having to carry him through his grief whilst trying to sort my own head out.

His family don't seem to have stepped up to the mark in terms of helping him and I am genuinely worried for him.

He was devastated by the separation, he is a good person and a great dad to our DS - but addiction issues/benders over the years have led me to my decision.

Has anyone else had similar experience? I will always care for him but do not know what to do to help him accept that it is over.

You need to step away for your own sake. Suggest he attends AA?

Similar situation here. Mine hasn't moved out for financial reasons (we moved away from friends and family last year, so no friends to stay with, and can't afford the upfront costs of renting right now). But he keeps crying on my shoulder about it all. I'm beginning to lose patience with it and not sure how to balance that with being nice. It also fits into some of the reasons that we split up, which is that I felt like his needs came above mine! No good advice I'm afraid, just to stay firm.

Yes I have. I dealt with it be being very detached and boundaries, I must have seemed cold but it was the only way. I’m starting to thaw a bit now (5 years later!) and hope we arrive at a reasonable place. However if he oversteps, it’ll have to go back again. It’s tough, but I assume part of the reason for your split is because you can’t/don’t want to deal with him anymore.

Unfortunately you can't help him if he has addiction issues. The very best thing you can do is to stop enabling him. If you remove your emotional support, who knows, but may be it will be the wake-up he desperately needs. I could say you suggest to him he goes to Alcoholics Anonymous (or Narcotics Anonymous if drugs are the issue not booze) but instead I recommend that you seek help from Al Anon - for families of addicts. It is truly life changing and will help you to detach with love. Addiction is a disease. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you absolutely can't cure it. You can only do you. You don't have to live with fear, obligation or guilt. You have made an enormous step by deciding to end your marriage. Carry on protecting yourself.

al-anonuk.org.uk