Awful separation

Annon01 · 2023-06-14T06:20:21+00:00

I’m having a really awful time at the minute recently separated from my husband and had to move back home to live with my parents. We agreed shared custody we have 2 young boys, would be best for the children even though this breaks my heart. He currently works shifts in a factory 4 days on 4 days off. So he has said that he will have the children on his days off and I will have them when he is in work. I work part time so on the days I have them I can take and collect oldest from school. Finding it so difficult at the minute as his days off are sometimes the same as my days off and I’m really struggling that I don’t get to see or spend it with the children. He is been very difficult at the minute and wont even let me speak to the children when he has them, and he has also said that if I need to put the youngest in childcare when I am in work I will have to pay for this myself as he doesn’t need child care as only has them on his days off. I’m so lost and unsure if this is right or not.

Waitingforsummer75 · 14/06/2023 07:27

I don't know if it's right or not but it seems very one sided. Try to agree set days, if you want to do 50/50 then maybe set them across a 2 week period. He can't just decide he's having he children on his days off (although I can see why this makes sense to him) you both need to decide and agree what works for both of you.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 14/06/2023 07:37

Doesn't sound like you can both do 50/50 with his shifts, it's fine as a married couple, but you no longer need to accommodate his wishes as you did when you were in a relationship. Decide what would work best for you op, then take it from there.

gogohmm · 14/06/2023 07:48

Ideally you have set contact and he uses childcare if it's a working day for him. That said is there a childcare cost to you?

Original poster

Annon01 · 14/06/2023 08:18

Thanks for your replies His shifts are night shifts this would be tricky and yes if I have the children on my days in work I have to put the youngest in nursery and pay for this he is just been very difficult about things at the moment I’m just finding it so hard as I miss them so much when they aren’t here

OP posts:

Original poster

Annon01 · 14/06/2023 08:22

Sorry I have just realised I have put day shifts in the first post he does nights shift so sleeps the following day so I’m just not sure how it would work at the minute

OP posts:

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 14/06/2023 08:36

What’s the biggest problem? Not seeing them, or him dictating round his work pattern and you doing all the compromising?

It is completely unfair and unreasonable for you to have to work round his work pattern. Why can’t he work round yours? Him have them when you are working and you have them when you’re off?

If he’s going to be difficult then you are going to need to stand firm. What do you think would be fair?

greyhairnomore · 14/06/2023 09:10

I don't see how he can have them when he's on nights ?
Although it's horrible he won't let you speak to them.
I'd let him take me to court for that alone.

Not sure about childcare costs? But do see on here that it's usually the parent they're with at the time who pays.

Original poster

Annon01 · 14/06/2023 14:17

Thanks for your replies I just feel so stuck, he won’t negotiate at all at the minute and it’s so hard not even speaking to them and his response is he will just have them on his days off and I will have to just work round his shifts I’m just not really sure what else I can do, I can’t change the hours in my job and feel so stuck all the time trying to sort out child care on the days I do need to work thinking maybe the only option I have is maybe getting another job with flexible shifts to work around his job

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EVliving · 14/06/2023 14:48

I think what he is offering is very fair. When he has the children he takes them to school and picks them up, when you have them you are responsible. I dont see the issue really. Its whats best for the children. If he worked a 9 till 5 and you had a week about how would you cope then. He is either in work or has the children with no free time so is not being unfair.

Original poster

Annon01 · 14/06/2023 15:05

i understand what your saying maybe your right it just seems so hard at the minute that he gets to spend his days off with the children and go to work when he doesn’t have them and on my days I might not get to see them at all, I’m just finding it all incredibly hard at the moment

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caringcarer · 14/06/2023 15:51

OP are your work.days the same every week? If so if you work 3 days you could ask for 2 days where you don't work and agree 1 day when you do. You should not have to revolve around his shift pattern now you are no longer together. If you agree to have them 3 days in a row one week and 4 days in a row the following week then that is fair and sometimes he will have them on days he doesn't work and other times he will need to pay for childcare and so will you if you are working on your day with the children. Get some impartial advice and get to.mefistion with him about this. They should make him see he is being selfish and controlling.

ArcticSkewer · 14/06/2023 15:56

EVliving · 14/06/2023 14:48

I think what he is offering is very fair. When he has the children he takes them to school and picks them up, when you have them you are responsible. I dont see the issue really. Its whats best for the children. If he worked a 9 till 5 and you had a week about how would you cope then. He is either in work or has the children with no free time so is not being unfair.

How is it fair?

His childcare is his ex!

He doesn't need childcare because he makes her follow his shift pattern, so she has the kids when he is working.

Start mediation op. It's not going to work long term if you are expected to constantly change the days you have the kids to fit his shifts.

BoohooWoohoo · 14/06/2023 16:01

What he's offering is not fair at all. He sees the kids on his days off while OP has to pay if they are both working on the same days. It's good for the kids to see both parents but it's madness that OP is considering finding a job that fits around her ex - they should be coming up with a routine that is fair to both parents. If it's 50/50 then nursery costs should be 50/50.

EVliving · 14/06/2023 16:07

ArcticSkewer and her childcare is him when he is off work. Its swings both ways. You work as a team to cover it. OK do week on week off so both parents struggle but then it is fair.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 14/06/2023 16:18

How about one week on, one week off, 50/50 the man you both get the same time, he has to sort childcare for the days he's at work and so do you

GracePalmer33 · 14/06/2023 16:19

Wtf- how about you have them on YOUR days off and he has them on the days you work and HE can put them in childcare if he has to work on those days. Why on earth is it worked around his schedule like that? I'm sorry. This sounds really hard. It won't always be like this.

BoohooWoohoo · 14/06/2023 16:25

Plus I've realised that on the first day of his time off, he won't be able to look after the kids until after he wakes up from the night shift so if OP is working she will need childcare to cover that. Does he sleep normal hours when he has the kids then go back to night shift worker sleep pattern when he's working? That doesn't sound sustainable

BoohooWoohoo · 14/06/2023 16:26

BoohooWoohoo · 14/06/2023 16:25

Plus I've realised that on the first day of his time off, he won't be able to look after the kids until after he wakes up from the night shift so if OP is working she will need childcare to cover that. Does he sleep normal hours when he has the kids then go back to night shift worker sleep pattern when he's working? That doesn't sound sustainable

This is obviously an issue for school holidays and there's 13 weeks a year

ArcticSkewer · 14/06/2023 16:30

EVliving · 14/06/2023 16:07

ArcticSkewer and her childcare is him when he is off work. Its swings both ways. You work as a team to cover it. OK do week on week off so both parents struggle but then it is fair.

well no, because he is saying she needs to pay for childcare. It isn't swinging both ways is it? That's why it's not fair. He isn't changing the days he has the kids to fit around her working pattern, is he? He's forcing a weird different days every single week pattern onto her because that way he doesn't need to ever pay for childcare.

Redcliffe1 · 14/06/2023 16:37

Could you put a counter proposal to him and say if he doesn't agree then you need to go to mediation? If he says he won't go to mediation then tell him that the courts will have to decide which is going to be costly for both of you and again suggest mediation.

I don't think he is being reasonable but you need a solid counter proposal.

EVliving · 14/06/2023 16:53

Lots of people work shifts and do shared care, with lots of patterns changing more than a 4 on 4 off pattern. You seem to think because OP works days it trumps the ex. No it doesnt. Just go week on week off. Then both parties sort child care out even in the holidays when the ex would be off and childcare is hard to arrange.

ArcticSkewer · 14/06/2023 18:04

EVliving · 14/06/2023 16:53

Lots of people work shifts and do shared care, with lots of patterns changing more than a 4 on 4 off pattern. You seem to think because OP works days it trumps the ex. No it doesnt. Just go week on week off. Then both parties sort child care out even in the holidays when the ex would be off and childcare is hard to arrange.

It's op's ex who seems to think his shift pattern trumps the ex.

They could work out any kind of regular agreement whatsoever and it would be fair. Week on week off, same 3 days every week, every other weekend plus a weekday for him, whatever.

Her having to change days every week depending on his shifts so he doesn't have to sort childcare is not however fair.

Original poster

Annon01 · 16/06/2023 06:49

Thanks so much for all your replies, i honestly don’t think I could do a full week without seeing the children though as at the minute when he has them I’ve not been able to speak to them, the separation was my idea as we weren’t getting along so I’m not sure of this will settle down with time and once he has calmed down this will change, but it’s awful enough going 4 days without seeing or speaking to them I couldn’t cope for a full week and his argument is that he can’t get childcare as it is night shifts that he works, I just feel so stuck

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Mumof3confused · 17/06/2023 11:04

How old are your children? You both need to focus on what’s in the best interest of the children. In my experience this means a set schedule, ie knowing exactly what days they will be at daddy’s/mummy’s. So this could be a week on/week off if the kids are older or if younger having more frequent changeovers, say sun-weds at yours and thurs-sat at his or whatever.

Try to get him to do mediation, and issue court proceedings asap to give him an incentive to cooperate.