Desperate to leave addict husband

[Screwinthetuna]

Feeling pretty desperate here.

My husband is an addict (prescription opiates) and it’s affected everything. He is getting very little support from doctors or our local drug service. He’s been offered a quick phone call once every few weeks. As he’s only on prescription medications (he was on over the counter too but cut down), they don’t seem very interested.

I truly believe it’s messed with his brain chemistry. He’s unstable, volatile (has smashed things), argumentative, emotional, I could go on and on. He’s also started sneaking alcohol, which he’s had issues with previously and hadn’t touched for years. I’m constantly anxious when he’s around and it’s giving one of my children anxiety, too.

I’ve tried to support him but he’s not making an effort to get better and, truthfully, I’ve started to hate everything about him. He’s not a nice person. He’s not in touch with any of his family and doesn’t have a single friend. We’ve been together all our adult lives and have 2 kids. We are basically all he has.

Our awful relationship is affecting the kids and I’m desperate to leave but trapped. We have no family where we live, and he isn’t from this country, so neither of us can stay anywhere else. We have a mortgage and live in an area where housing is expensive and rentals are almost impossible to come by.

He spent many years working away, and I (stupidly) was a stay at home parent while he worked away. I work now, but only bring home £1,200 a month. Rent on the most dire property in this area is more than that.

I love my job and the rest of my life, besides him. I try and do things away from him outside the house as much as possible with the kids and feel like I spend all day acting like Mr Bloody Tumble to keep the mood light. I’m exhausted.

I can’t think of any way out and feel so trapped. I’ve asked him to go to rehab and he won’t. I found him a therapist, but he won’t go. I’ve said he needs to go to narcotics anonymous groups and again, he won’t go. I’m just so sick of him and know that I deserve to be happy, as do the kids.

I don’t see I can possibly get out. I know if he was alone, he’d end up in a very bad way in terms of drugs and alcohol.

Can Al Anon help?

You’re not responsible for his recovery.
You are responsible for the welfare of you and your kids. Time to get out.

That’s the issue, I literally have nowhere to go. We moved to a new area of the country a year ago. I’ve made a few friends, but they’re not close enough to ask if we could stay for a bit while I try to find housing, etc.

I feel like such an awful mum who’s let the kids down by letting them be exposed to this but besides pitching a tent somewhere, I don’t know what to do

Move back to where you were?
Who owns the house?

He's also being abusive towards you. I would contact womens aid for support. They'll be able to help you figure out a plan for starting out fresh and help you do so. No matter how important a father figure is in a child's life, a safe and healthy home environment is more important so if he's volatile and physically violent smashing things and is compromising the mental health of your kids, then they need him not to be there.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you can't make him do anything- he's a go grown man and he has to be the one to be willing to address his addiction. Opiate addiction is brutal but its not an excuse for continuing as he is and refusing all support when it's affecting his family so negatively. I think it would be wise to make a plan for if you need to leave quickly with the kids. Do you have a friend who you could stay with temporarily? Could your job be done wfh or could you transfer to another base?

You're right in that you are currently the sticky plaster in his life right now, but it's not your job to do, it's not your kids job to do. There is support out there but he has to want to avail of it. He is responsible for himself and the choices he's making. Maybe you leaving will make him realise he needs things to change, maybe it won't- but your responsibility is to your children first and foremost and as you've said you're exhausted trying to smoothe everything over for them when it's not working. I do feel for him, but you're right- you and your children do deserve to be happy and feel safe at home.

P.s
You're not an awful mum, you're doing even more than mums who have supportive partners and you're doing the work of two people with someone actively working against you. Womens aid have refuge and safe accommodation, they could put you and your kids up until you can find somewhere suitable.

How ?

It's drastic but women's aid then sell the house ? That would give you both enough for deposits to rent somewhere. Not a quick fix though.
Does your council do a scheme that helps with deposits etc ? Mine does.
Not sure if you'd qualify if you already own a property.
Then once you manage to get a place you can claim UC to help with the rent.

Thanks, everyone. Moving back to where we lived previously isn’t really an option. One of my children start secondary school in September and is all enrolled and excited. I can’t possibly take that away and put them in one of the only schools with places left, which won’t be a good school 😔

If he was to physically hurt me (or of course the kids) then I 100% would call Women’s Aid. Staying in temporary shared living with children at the age mine are would be pretty traumatic for them, though, so I don’t want that unless absolutely necessary.

Dreading him coming home from work and trying to keep the kids happy and out the house as much as possible, after a day of work myself, is so mentally exhausting.

Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it definitely buys you a ticket out of an unhappy marriage, and freedom, though 😔

He’s volatile and giving one of your kids anxiety. That’s much worse than having to go to a different secondary school. Just because he’s not smacking your kids around don’t believe for a second he’s not damaging them.

Have you looked on entitled to to see if you'd be able to claim universal credit if you were a single parent?
you wouldn't get any help towards the mortgage but you may get a few £100 a month for the children.
is there a spare room? Could you create one? You could take a lodger to help with the mortgage.

Ok so you maybe can’t move right away but can you start long term planning. Are you able to work more hours/ change jobs to increase your salary?

Start collecting documents to speak to a lawyer so you can get an idea how much you get in a divorce.

You need to get your kids out of there if it effecting them so organise yourself so next year you are not having the same problems

good luck op

Oh I know, I’m very aware of the damage he’s doing and it fills me with anger daily. It makes me hate him to the core.
It’s just not as simple as moving back to where we are from, though. My parents live aboard, as do my husbands, and I don’t have residency where my parents live, so it’s not an option moving there. We could stay on a friend’s sofa for a week where we have moved from, I’m sure, but we still don’t have anywhere to live there.
I also would have to leave my job, so would have no income, and the council house list is as long as your arm. We’d be worse off than staying here, basically.

He won’t move out, not ever. A large portion of this house deposit was his inheritance, so although we bought together while married (and have been together 20+ years), he would always claim it’s his house. We are both on the mortage.

I think long term planning is my only choice, really (as long as things don’t worsen more or involve physical harm, in which case I’d always turn to Women’s Aid). I’ve applied for another job linked to my current job, but that wouldn’t bring in more than an extra £100 or so a month. When I had a look at what I’d be entitled to for UC, it’s about £700 a month. Even 2 bedroom rentals here are going for £1,500 a month, and they’re flying off as soon as they are advertised, with 50+ applicants 😔

Thanks for listening, everyone. The guilt I have regarding the kids and how this could be leading to trauma is something I carry constantly.

Womens aid is not just for women who are being physically abused by their partners. Please contact them. You are worthy of their support.

Wishing you all the best

Could your parents help financially to get you out and into a rental? His behaviour is abusive and damaging to your DC, so Women’s Aid would be appropriate. He doesn’t need to physically harm them to be causing terrible damage. You need to get them away from the situation.

He will have to move out at some point. There might need to be a court order.

I could tell he had had a drink when I came home from the school run today. He told me to get out and that he would burn this house down rather than let me have any of it.
I feel so angry and sad that he’s turned into such an awful person 😔

OP you need to make a plan to leave. Threats like that are scary.

"The guilt I have regarding the kids and how this could be leading to trauma is something I carry constantly."

It's not your guilt to carry- it is his behavior that's unacceptable not yours. The only one who should be feeling guilty is him - you're working above and beyond to give your kids a good life in circumstances HE is making difficult.

If he makes threats like that could you record him or at least take a note of it etc and report it to police? They could serve a pin notice on him that he can't be near you for a period of time which might be long enough for you to get a non mol against him? Then you could also seek legal advice? At the very least please document anything like this no matter how small it seems and keep the record well hidden as it will serve as evidence to support you. If you in any way think that there's even a tiny chance he'd lash out like that or be in any way violent I'd have a go bag ready and keep it at a non mutual friends house with things like important documents (or at least photocopies) money, clothes, phone etc.