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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Too scared to divorce

15 replies

GoodToTalk123 · 11/06/2023 20:34

Hi there. I am new to Mumsnet and not sure what to expect. I was wondering if anyone had any experience in what I am going through at the moment. It's a lonely place to be and was hoping to find some help/support on here. I am desperate to get a divorce from my husband but I'm too scared to do so. Just the thought of having to share my child crucifies me. I know that, developmentally, children are always best with both parents in their lives ... but this man is not a good role mode and I think she would be best off without him and his family. What are women like me supposed to do? I am trying so hard to find it in me to share her ... I have been considering this for 5 or 6 years ... I simply can't do it. I have 1 child and she is nearly 6. She has no idea that mummy and daddy don't get on. We hide it all well. Thank you ..

OP posts:
cheapskatemum · 11/06/2023 20:39

The fact that you are scared of your husband makes me think you should contact Women's Aid. If they feel they are not the organisation to help you, I feel sure they will signpost you in the direction of one that will. An appointment with a solicitor who specialises in family law is another option.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 11/06/2023 20:49

Hi Op - I understand your fears but....

I read this when I was splitting up with my exH (we have 2 DC together)

Best case scenario fir Dcs is 2 happy parents together.
2nd best case is 2 happy parents apart
3rd best is 2 unhappy patents together.

I have had both DC on my own for 15 years now and things are ok I promise - and way better than if we had stayed together.

You say your DD has no idea that you ate T happy but they will. Even if they can't make sense of it or articulate it. That will grow as they get older.

Don't hang on at all costs. If you read the (many) threads on here from adults who wish their parents had just split up rather than staying together for the kids then you'll see that they are in the majority. Even if they were too young at the time to fully understand it - they always knew that it was wrong in sone way and not a good relationship.

The fact that you are fearful of him too suggests that you are not the only one who is aware of this.

I totally understand the fear, and parenting on your own is difficult and sometimes lonely. But far better for DC to see you happy and relaxed (albeit with less money probably and knackered definitely) than living in fear with tension in the air at home.

Original poster
GoodToTalk123 · 11/06/2023 20:55

Hi cheapskatemum. I am not scared of my husband. I am scared of divorce. However thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoodToTalk123 · 11/06/2023 20:59

Hi lemonsaretheonlyfruit. Many thanks for your message. V kind of you to reply. I am not scared of being a single parent. i have a sister who was single parent to 3 and, though utterly knackering .. it was better without him. I am scared of having to share my child. This is the only thing that scares me. How do women do it? It would tear me to pieces to only get to see her 50% of my life. As you say, yes to see 2 happy parents apart. My husband is never happy .. hence saying he'd be a bad influence. I'll speak to a divorce lawyer and see what mothers' rights are these days ... not a lot from what i can see.

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lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 11/06/2023 21:50

@GoodToTalk123

Do you know that he would definitely want 50/50? As in has he said that? If not then it's often every other weekend and sometimes a night in the week if it works logistically .

I had a few weekends at the start of this feeling bereft and like I couldn't do it... but after a few months I started to look forward to my weekends without them. I know it sounds inconceivable at the moment but in time it becomes normal. You value and enjoy your time with them more and start to look forward to an element of freedom (even if sometimes it's just catching up on housework on your own / listening to an audiobook or going out for the odd night.

Original poster
GoodToTalk123 · 11/06/2023 21:56

Dear lemonsaretheonlyfruit,
Thank you for wonderfully supportive reply. This is just what i was looking for. To hear another woman tell me their experience ...
He has said he would definitely want 50/50. What are the logistics like ....? Do you have to see one another much with handover of children etc? Of course I can imagine it's all about putting on a brave face for children and enabling them to see m&d being cool with one another ... despite wanting to never see the ex again!
I guess it's just a case of deep breath and get on with it ...! Think of the child and keep moving forwards ...

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 11/06/2023 22:09

Mothers have no more rights than fathers

what exactly is it that you think he’d be a bad influence? Perhaps if you divorce he’d be less miserable?

what are your concerns ?

Magmum75 · 12/06/2023 09:04

Does he do 50/50 at the moment - what is your set up? I am just about to embark on 50/50 - my H is in for a big shock about what is involved. If he steps up great, but I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't. Yes, its gonna be hard for me but there are freedoms to embrace too.

Original poster
GoodToTalk123 · 12/06/2023 12:37

In answer to your question he's a functioning alcoholic (troubled past - found him that way - what was i thinking?) and a general bum. Antisocial with some complaints at work about his mysogynistic behaviour etc. He was abandoned as a child. He will move mountains to do 50/50 even if he isn't capable and has no idea how much work it requires to look after a child. But he'll make it extremely hard for me. Basically he's a nasty bastard and everyone prefers to hold him at arm's length. Including me.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoodToTalk123 · 12/06/2023 12:38

And good luck Magmum75 ... are you not worried your ex will meet someone new and your child will have another 'mother' ...? The thought is killing me ...! It's not the meeting of a new woman that I care about at all ... it's the whole giving up my child to another family for half of her life that i'm unable to process / deal with.

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millymollymoomoo · 12/06/2023 15:27

Well I’m reality different parenting methods and standards won’t come into it

his alcoholism is the main concern, and if you genuine concerns in regards to that, that’s what you focus on from a safe guarding perspective

otherwise just as he has different views on how to raise his child won’t be considered ( regardless his much you might not like it)

ultimately you’ll need to find a way to co parent, and that can involve blended families. Staying with him doesn’t guarantee anything / he could leave you at some point and you’d still have the same problem

MintJulia · 12/06/2023 15:47

My ex (functioning alcoholic, sent to boarding school at 7 etc) demanded 50:50 and told me I'd hate it, and would much better off staying. He swore he would never pay a penny towards ds upkeep, and would see us in a hostel or a squat first.

I called his bluff and ex had ds for an afternoon while I went for a job interview.

1yo DS filled a nappy, managed to get his hands inside, and shared it 😂 Ex was so disgusted, didn't mention 50:50 again (14 years), and paid half of all costs without too much grumbling. Sees ds about 7 hours a week.

What they say and the reality of what they will do are often completely unrelated. Aim for a happy life, and you'll cope with whatever else comes along. Don't worry about 'another mother', most women don't want to take on someone else's child.

cheapskatemum · 12/06/2023 20:42

GoodToTalk123 · 11/06/2023 20:55

Hi cheapskatemum. I am not scared of my husband. I am scared of divorce. However thank you.

Ok, that's good. Thank you for explaining.

Magmum75 · 12/06/2023 20:49

@GoodToTalk123 there is already an OW. As @MintJulia says though, that is a completely different kettle of fish to them becoming another mother. You've only got to read on here the rivalry better child and OW to see its not that smooth a path. I have a stroppy teen, who knows their own mind if any woman who is not her mother wants to take that on .....

Original poster
GoodToTalk123 · 13/06/2023 14:03

MintJulia & Magmum75 thank you so much. It's SO reassuring to hear other women say these things. I don't have anyone to ask / speak to this about ... so your positive and encouraging words have really helped. Thank you. Hope all has worked out for you xx

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