I’m Leaving But My Heart Is Breaking

INeedSomeCourage · 2023-05-31T19:41:41+00:00

NC for this, but I have posted regularly about my marriage problems and husbands MH. The messages I have received have been so supportive. I have decided I need to leave and making plans to do so in the next couple of days. I know it is the right thing to do. His behaviour has been increasingly abusive and there is now sexual coercion. I know I have to leave. And here comes the but… my heart is breaking. We have been together several decades and that bond is very deep for me. I can’t believe the man I love so much has changed to an utterly different person. I am not sure why I am posting really. I need a handhold, and it would really help to hear from others who have come out the other side of leaving a relationship like this. Such a long history, with so many shared good times, but then all of that is undone by MH issues which DH won’t seek help for. I didn’t know I could cry so hard for so long.

Tryingtobepositive123 · 31/05/2023 21:22

Hi, I'm so sorry. I don't know your other posts but this does sound heartbreaking.

But I did want to say you will definitely feel better and this is the worst bit.

I told my partner I was done relatively recently and already I am crying far far leas.

You will find peace in ways you never expected. You should be proud of yourself. Don't think about the future or past, just put one step infront of the other for a few days. Good luck x

007DoubleOSeven · 31/05/2023 21:27

Congratulations, big step but a great step.

You're absolutely doing the right thing to leave an abusive relationship. It might be tough, but you've got this.

I am deeply sorry for your heartbreak, though, and we're here for you to support you through it

Original poster

INeedSomeCourage · 01/06/2023 02:14

@Tryingtobepositive123 and @007DoubleOSeven thank you for your lovely replies. Everything feels so raw and awful it's hard to see through the fog. As long as I put one foot in front of the other I will get there. I have never done anything as hard as this.

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murkury · 01/06/2023 02:17

big hugs OP

Flatandhappy · 01/06/2023 02:24

It is such a tough decision to make. Well done for recognising that you need to.

seagulldown · 01/06/2023 02:27

I feel for you. My split was different in that he wasn't abusive (yet , but a few arguments before the end tended towards me thinking he could go that way and his dad and brother have history).
Despite his cheating, he wanted to continue the relationship. We had been together for 20ish years and had 2 children.

I had to tell him to leave, but 9years on it really was the best thing to do. We weren't the same people anymore and although he really didn't want to split (his mental health was also poor) he has been fine and actually thrived (married again to someone that can deal with his issue's) and I am so much happier on my own. I don't even want another serious relationship and very happy.

He will be fine. You will be fine. It will be different but ultimately you'll be happier

seagulldown · 01/06/2023 02:31

Meant to make it clear that in our 20ish years we had many great times. I am out the other side and don't actually regret our time together. I am thankful for the good times and have let the awful times fade.
We co-parent the kids well, I like his new wife, the kids like her too, and just can't bring myself to hate him anymore (but I did leave before real abuse so that may have helped).

Good luck to you and just know you can be happy with out him and maybe even end up not hating him

lakesummer · 01/06/2023 02:39

That is so sad for you. But you can't stay with sexual coercion. I hope you find peace in the future.
You are looking after yourself.

WonkyPicture · 01/06/2023 03:45

I'm here. We parted 5 weeks ago after 24 years. He'd had an emotional affair and said he thought there was something worth pursuing, although he didn't want to leave. Obviously I couldn't go on like that, so I kicked him out. I've been utterly heartbroken and can't believe that after all we have meant to each other over the years that it actually came down to that. We were amazingly in love until very recently and then poof, it was gone.

It turns out it was all down to his appalling mental health and him sticking his head in the sand about a looming big problem which only just yesterday, came to light to me. This problem has hit him tenfold. If only he'd told me, we could've worked through it as a team, as we have always done. But it's too late now, he'll have to work through it alone. I think he's actually living with this other woman but I don't think they've had a great start. He's used her to escape reality and she's taken in a damaged man. I hope beyond hope they split up, but either way I think there's some massive red flags for both of them. What they do will not make a difference to my ultimate happiness and she's insignificant to me. At least I now have more of an explanation than I did have, it has stopped the why why whys!

God sorry, all I do in MN lately is bleat on and on about this. I'm totally sick of it myself, I'm sorry for all you people bombarded with this. Believe me, if you're sick of hearing it, I'm twice as sick of saying it, lol. I'm a lovely and interesting person normally, I swear!

Good luck op, it's hard but there'll be light at the end if the tunnel for you.

Original poster

INeedSomeCourage · 01/06/2023 05:40

@murkury - thank you :)

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Original poster

INeedSomeCourage · 01/06/2023 05:43

Flatandhappy · 01/06/2023 02:24

It is such a tough decision to make. Well done for recognising that you need to.

Thank you... the comment he made to me that he couldn't be emotionally close to me because I wouldn't do a specific sexual act with him was the final straw. He has never been like that in all the time we have been together. I wish I could understand what has changed but I will probably never know.

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Original poster

INeedSomeCourage · 01/06/2023 05:44

seagulldown · 01/06/2023 02:27

I feel for you. My split was different in that he wasn't abusive (yet , but a few arguments before the end tended towards me thinking he could go that way and his dad and brother have history).
Despite his cheating, he wanted to continue the relationship. We had been together for 20ish years and had 2 children.

I had to tell him to leave, but 9years on it really was the best thing to do. We weren't the same people anymore and although he really didn't want to split (his mental health was also poor) he has been fine and actually thrived (married again to someone that can deal with his issue's) and I am so much happier on my own. I don't even want another serious relationship and very happy.

He will be fine. You will be fine. It will be different but ultimately you'll be happier

Your point about being different people rings true. Over that length of time we are going to change as people but I thought we were growing and changing together. Apparently not.

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Original poster

INeedSomeCourage · 01/06/2023 05:45

seagulldown · 01/06/2023 02:31

Meant to make it clear that in our 20ish years we had many great times. I am out the other side and don't actually regret our time together. I am thankful for the good times and have let the awful times fade.
We co-parent the kids well, I like his new wife, the kids like her too, and just can't bring myself to hate him anymore (but I did leave before real abuse so that may have helped).

Good luck to you and just know you can be happy with out him and maybe even end up not hating him

I'm glad to hear you are happy and well. It gives me hope.

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Original poster

INeedSomeCourage · 01/06/2023 05:49

@WonkyPicture - I am so sorry you are going through this too. I've never felt so bad in my life. I also know what you mean about boring yourself with all the thinking and analysis, I feel the same. I'm sure nobody minds and I know my friends are understanding. I'm sending you lots of hugs.

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Original poster

INeedSomeCourage · 01/06/2023 15:04

I'm starting to have second thoughts. What please help me keep going...

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WonkyPicture · 01/06/2023 15:09

It isn't him you're grieving, you're not missing him. You are grieving the good times and you're grieving for the future you thought you'd have. Those times are past and will always be great, the future was never going to be how you expected, as he's not the man he used to be.

Honestly, I have had some bloody awful times over the past few weeks but I have started to see a glimmer of light. I am still petrified of not loving him and of trying to build a future without him, but that's no reason to go backwards. Imagine being with him sitting watching TV with him in 5 months time, think of the awful time you'll be having and the regret you'll feel at not going through with it.

Original poster

INeedSomeCourage · 01/06/2023 15:24

WonkyPicture · 01/06/2023 15:09

It isn't him you're grieving, you're not missing him. You are grieving the good times and you're grieving for the future you thought you'd have. Those times are past and will always be great, the future was never going to be how you expected, as he's not the man he used to be.

Honestly, I have had some bloody awful times over the past few weeks but I have started to see a glimmer of light. I am still petrified of not loving him and of trying to build a future without him, but that's no reason to go backwards. Imagine being with him sitting watching TV with him in 5 months time, think of the awful time you'll be having and the regret you'll feel at not going through with it.

Thank you. This is what I needed to hear. I'm sending hugs your way and I'm glad you can see patches of light. This is so, so hard. I can see intellectually how badly he's abused me, but severing that bond is so hard.

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WonkyPicture · 01/06/2023 16:12

That bond is one of your strengths, never see that as a weakness. The fact you love so deeply and someone who is damaged, shows what a strong woman you are. Use that strength for yourself now, shift your focus away from him, to you!

Original poster

INeedSomeCourage · 01/06/2023 16:34

WonkyPicture · 01/06/2023 16:12

That bond is one of your strengths, never see that as a weakness. The fact you love so deeply and someone who is damaged, shows what a strong woman you are. Use that strength for yourself now, shift your focus away from him, to you!

Those are very wise words. Thank you.

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