AIBU?

[Ditsydoorcurtains]

I could tear my hair out, I’m so frustrated.
After 17 years of marriage and 25 years together I’ve decided to call time on my relationship.
My husband has cheated on me physically and now financially. I discovered I was pregnant with baby no. 3 at the same time as finding out my H had hooked up for casual sex. That was 5 years ago and we agreed to a new start but the relationship got worse and now I’ve discovered he’s got debt behind my back. He’s also incredibly verbally abusive.
For a while he’s been saying he doesn’t want me but stays for the kids. He won’t divorce for financial reasons but I’ve had enough and now want to. I don’t want to expose my kids to any more of this toxic relationship.
Ive worked part time since children came along from the age of 27 (I’m 43 now) and even had to stop for a few years to raise my youngest as we had no help with childcare.
When it comes to splitting, my H is insistent I should get 50% of the equity in the house but I am on 4x less salary than him so will struggle financially. He says this is because I’m a dunce and thick and ignores my inability to work full time for the past 16 years. He has stayed in the same industry all his life and was never ambitious or career minded but has been promoted along the way due to experience in a niche field of work. I have an economics degree but never put it to use because as soon as my kids came along they were my priority.
I feel so foolish and wretched that I find myself in this situation. My H is calling me a money grabber but the whole of our lives together we’ve never had a penny to rub together and always stretched ourselves financially. We are now the best off we’ve ever been money wise but I’m the most miserable so want to end things and try to find peace and happiness on my own.
Am I wrong to ask for more equity from the house?

Depends on things like what the salaries actually are, what other assets there are and age of the children.

A deviation from 50/50 is not likely to be significant except when one person is a very high earner but that is looking at the asset pool as a whole. Within that nearly 50/50 split one person might get up to 70% of the home equity (rarely more than that unless the amount of equity in question is low) and the other will keep more of something else such as savings or pensions.

There is also the factor of what you can earn, rather than what you do earn. If you work part time now then - depending on the age of the children - your earning capacity on which a decision is based might be based on full time work. You might also be reasonably expected to retrain to improve your earnings; you are only 43 and have 25 years to state retirement age. Other factors in the mix (child maintenance, benefits) might also mean there is little to no difference in your net incomes and a deviation from 50/50 becomes harder to justify.

The split is what is fair. That might not be 50/50. For various reasons, we're going for 60/40. You need to look at all the assets. I imagine he may have a decent pension pot with a stable career. You could agree not to take any of his pension in return for a greater share of the equity as you've got time to build up your own pension pot.
Have a read of the Advice Now guides pinned at the top of the page. There's one that goes through the points of what is considered fair.

Doesn't he sound like a peach??
It's not up to your stbxh what the % split is.
Everything needs to be in the pot and a decision made by a judge.
No more discussing with him about finances.
Sounds like you're well rid of him, you've got this.
Onwards and upwards

The best thing to do is go and have an initial consultation with a solicitor and find out what they think you’d be entitled to - it doesn’t cost much.
What you will hopefully end up with will be a fair division of all assets - how they are split will depend on how many children you have, if you’ll have a 50/50 arrangement to look after them or if one will be the primary carer, what is needed to accommodate everyone, full time earnings, earning potential for the future, pensions, equity in house, other assets, benefits etc. For example, my wife and I have roughly the same income and assets but the kids are with her through the week, so the division of equity in the house was advised to be roughly 60/40 or 55/45 in her favour. A friend kept his earnings / business and pension but his wife retained the house because that was a fair split of their total assets, income etc. I know someone else with a very high earning spouse where the split was 70/30. A solicitor will be able to look at those things and give you a rough idea of what to aim for, worst and best case scenarios based on your own individual circumstances.

If you want about 60% of everything, mediation is probably the way forward.

If you want 70% of what's left after solicitors fees, follow @Marmight's suggestion.

You might find the 60% is a bit larger unless the assets in question are huge.

Speak to a lawyer. You will be entitled to a lot more than 50% given you will likely have the children. Don’t agree anything with this man without getting legal advice first. You’re entitled to more than you seem to know.