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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Help on if I’m rushing things

15 replies

Sallyxox · 30/05/2023 11:23

So been separated 9 weeks tomorrow,
ended the marriage over a text, managed to get on since with odd arguments because I found out about other women. He seemed to be creeping back last week (sadly I was a bit vulnerable and waiting for this) but anyway he’s now gone very distant again.

so made the decision to get divorced cos I can’t live in limbo forever and while I’m trying to find else where to live I feel this is one way to show him I’m no longer his security blanket and he’s in life without me now.

just wondering is it a bit soon? Loads of people tell me no to rush it but to me whatever happened that marriage is over the vows are void.

OP posts:
Moonlightsonatas · 30/05/2023 11:25

Doesn’t seem like you’re rushing, the process takes a while anyway! Good luck!

Room102 · 30/05/2023 11:36

Nope. Best to get on with it. The process takes a while anyway so you'll have time to work through it all but good to focus on the practicalities and get the ball rolling.

Original poster
Sallyxox · 30/05/2023 12:39

Room102 · 30/05/2023 11:36

Nope. Best to get on with it. The process takes a while anyway so you'll have time to work through it all but good to focus on the practicalities and get the ball rolling.

Do you know how long it takes for a straight forward divorce ?

OP posts:
Moonlightsonatas · 30/05/2023 13:18

depends on whether the other party cooperates, things tend to get messy when money is involved.

PotsnPan · 30/05/2023 13:22

Hi I’m in a similar position. Separated just over 9 weeks. No OW, husband left me following a crash in his MH which in turn has caused mine to hit an all time low.

H has told me it’s over, he wants a divorce in due course, doesn’t love me etc, wants to sort finances. So I made the decision yesterday to ask him to send me the court fee as, like yourself, the limbo is affecting me. He’s refused to send it to me so we remain in limbo (I’ve not got £593 going spare, plus it’s him who wants the divorce).

anyway, spoke with my GP this morning who quite wisely told me neither of us are in the right mental state to make such a life-changing decision. So I’ve decided to take a breather from ploughing ahead - so I suppose my advice to you is to only go ahead when you feel mentally capable.

btw, divorce law changed last April, it now takes minimum 8-10 months for divorce, longer if sorting out finances

Original poster
Sallyxox · 30/05/2023 14:54

PotsnPan · 30/05/2023 13:22

Hi I’m in a similar position. Separated just over 9 weeks. No OW, husband left me following a crash in his MH which in turn has caused mine to hit an all time low.

H has told me it’s over, he wants a divorce in due course, doesn’t love me etc, wants to sort finances. So I made the decision yesterday to ask him to send me the court fee as, like yourself, the limbo is affecting me. He’s refused to send it to me so we remain in limbo (I’ve not got £593 going spare, plus it’s him who wants the divorce).

anyway, spoke with my GP this morning who quite wisely told me neither of us are in the right mental state to make such a life-changing decision. So I’ve decided to take a breather from ploughing ahead - so I suppose my advice to you is to only go ahead when you feel mentally capable.

btw, divorce law changed last April, it now takes minimum 8-10 months for divorce, longer if sorting out finances

Yeah my ex has been referred to mental health since the break up but think he’s just struggling to cope with the big life decisions he’s mad. But I deffo wanna take control and end it, someone loves you they don’t just walk out on you.

do hope ur ok though and things get easier

OP posts:
PotsnPan · 30/05/2023 16:49

I wish I had your strength, you’re amazing for coming to that decision so quickly - I’m in bits over my separation but think possibly over issues too. Divorce was the last thing that I wanted. Hope you are okay too

Whiteroomjoy · 30/05/2023 17:05

Sallyxox · 30/05/2023 12:39

Do you know how long it takes for a straight forward divorce ?

Show quote history

The new process is now a minimum of 26 weeks,mas per law changes last year. I divorced from petition raised to decree absolute in under 4 months in 2021, but you can’t do that now. But, you can make it as quick as possible if:

  1. you are amicable and both agree to try to close it out quick as possible
  2. you only use solicitors where absolutely needed and for individual tasks
  3. you do not go to mediation or court
  4. you can quickly agree the framework of your consent order
  5. you both tell the truth and are open about your financial legal declarations ( form E / d81)
  6. you both accept quickly you’ll both come out worse off and jointly work to least worse solution
  7. you both complete paperwork promptly and proactively
  8. you have the means to physically separate in that short a timeframe
I used ADVICE NOW guides ( link at top of header) which I shared with ex. We basically followed these. It was easy but we did agree, had no dependents, and both wanted it to be quick, cheap and stress free

otherwise, it’s how long is a piece of string🤷🏼‍♀️I know a couple still arguing 4 years later, no closer to final divorce, husband is being obstructive , wife is not wanting to upset the apple cart. Solicitor bills mounting steadily.

it can be easy. It can be a nightmare. But that is not the process itself, it is down to the couple’s attitudes

Whiteroomjoy · 30/05/2023 17:07
  1. sorry, should clarify, you don’t go to meditation or court to decide your financial settlement. You use a consent order you both write, solicitor writes in legal speak as draft, court “ seals”
Original poster
Sallyxox · 30/05/2023 17:09

Whiteroomjoy · 30/05/2023 17:05

The new process is now a minimum of 26 weeks,mas per law changes last year. I divorced from petition raised to decree absolute in under 4 months in 2021, but you can’t do that now. But, you can make it as quick as possible if:

  1. you are amicable and both agree to try to close it out quick as possible
  2. you only use solicitors where absolutely needed and for individual tasks
  3. you do not go to mediation or court
  4. you can quickly agree the framework of your consent order
  5. you both tell the truth and are open about your financial legal declarations ( form E / d81)
  6. you both accept quickly you’ll both come out worse off and jointly work to least worse solution
  7. you both complete paperwork promptly and proactively
  8. you have the means to physically separate in that short a timeframe
I used ADVICE NOW guides ( link at top of header) which I shared with ex. We basically followed these. It was easy but we did agree, had no dependents, and both wanted it to be quick, cheap and stress free

otherwise, it’s how long is a piece of string🤷🏼‍♀️I know a couple still arguing 4 years later, no closer to final divorce, husband is being obstructive , wife is not wanting to upset the apple cart. Solicitor bills mounting steadily.

it can be easy. It can be a nightmare. But that is not the process itself, it is down to the couple’s attitudes

Show quote history

Oh good, we don’t have anything to split and are sorting childcare between ourselves so hopefully should be straight forward and quick by looks of it. Hoping he signs this week and get the first lot of paperwork off.

OP posts:
gogohmm · 30/05/2023 17:11

Are you in England? If so as long as you both agree, file online now, they build in time for mediation and deciding financial settlements into the process. You need to upload your marriage certificate and personal details and include an email for your stbexh so he can upload his

Whiteroomjoy · 30/05/2023 17:15

I made decision in late feb after 30 year marriage. Petitioned within 2 weeks, full decree absolute in under 4 months on grounds of unreasonable behaviour

as I said in earlier post, you can’t do it that fast now though.

so, there aren’t guides of “ is it to early”. It depends on you, your ex, your marriage. The circumstances around the ending of my marriage were tragic really, I’d had the most awful and horrendous year of marriage the previous year, and we simply needed to live separately as urgently as possible- it made no sense delaying it.

The whole process of divorce has a “ cooling off” period, so you can cool off and simply never submit final petition if you both change your minds. Mind, that’ll cost you £550 ish for the privilege of that 🤷🏼‍♀️🙄

Original poster
Sallyxox · 02/06/2023 13:29

Whiteroomjoy · 30/05/2023 17:15

I made decision in late feb after 30 year marriage. Petitioned within 2 weeks, full decree absolute in under 4 months on grounds of unreasonable behaviour

as I said in earlier post, you can’t do it that fast now though.

so, there aren’t guides of “ is it to early”. It depends on you, your ex, your marriage. The circumstances around the ending of my marriage were tragic really, I’d had the most awful and horrendous year of marriage the previous year, and we simply needed to live separately as urgently as possible- it made no sense delaying it.

The whole process of divorce has a “ cooling off” period, so you can cool off and simply never submit final petition if you both change your minds. Mind, that’ll cost you £550 ish for the privilege of that 🤷🏼‍♀️🙄

It didn’t get far he reviewed and filled in his part then I asked for his half of the money and he hasn’t got it but we don’t need to submit till 14th June so I asked him to have it for then and he just said if not we can submit at a later date! I really don’t have the full amount to pay myself but gonna have to get saving what I can in the meantime

OP posts:
2022NewTimes · 02/06/2023 17:44

From filing / applying for divorce to final order took 9 months for me including the financial consent order

pointythings · 02/06/2023 21:37

He cheated, and if that is a deal breaker for you (it would be for me) then no, you're not rushing things. You're just holding to your own standards.

This new no fault divorce law seems to be an intentionally go-slow divorce law. It's ridiculous - where I come from (Netherlands), if it's amicable and both sides agree on children and finances, both parties can use the same solicitor and have it all done and dusted in 6 weeks. Treating people like actual adults.

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