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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Go to court or settle on this?

39 replies

FurryTailOfNewYork · 26/05/2023 22:07

Hi 👋 I have to decide this weekend whether to accept my STBXH offer or go to court.
I have two rented out studio flats that I acquired before the marriage and also a smallish premarital pension pot.
After the marriage we bought a small
home together and continued paying the mortgage together, but I solely paid for both the deposit and also for two big lump sums over the years in order to reduce the mortgage, all amounting to 180k in total.
We also have a business which we own together as directors.
This is barely profitable and likely worth very little after all suppliers and outstanding debts are paid. STBXH works every day in this business and pays himself a basic salary and a small amount of dividends.
I don’t take any dividends from it.
I have a daily job elsewhere, which pays a bit more than what he earns from the business.
since we married 7 years ago, I have also accrued a not particularly large pension pot in this job

Husband would like me to hand over to him both the business and the family home since he is older and can’t easily get a mortgage and he has the kids 50/50.

he says the bank would approve for him to stay as sole mortgage holder on the existing mortgage on the jointly owned family home.
I am renting and live with my baby from new partner and have the kids half the week.

my solicitor says that it seems too generous to give away almost 100% of the marital assets (apart from pension).

we have two young kids together and I have a baby with my new partner (not cohabiting).

do you think I should leave the family home to which I contributed much more and the business to him?

i know going to court could be painfully expensive for both and we can barely afford it and potentially bring an undesired outcome, like forcing me to sell one of my studio flats which provide a small but helpful rental income or to hand over to him one of the premarital flats.

ideally I d like for him to keep the business, then we sell the family home, which is worth just under 500k, pay some of the debts from the business, to make sure it s steady and healthy for him, pay off the outstanding mortgage and then split the rest of the money from the house sales between us (about 100k each)

he is fiercely against this and has stopped talking to me.

we have a court date in July if we don’t agree between us now.

would you agree with him?
the reason for me leaving was that sadly he is on the spectrum and had become very unsupportive and critical when we had two very little children, one of which has SEN, and I felt very isolated while working and doing all of the childcare

OP posts:
Povertytrapped · 27/05/2023 12:08

As my solicitor explained to me OP, what’s legal and what’s fair are not the same; the court will be looking for the kids needs to be paramount and for the financial arrangements for the parents to reflect that. So it’s about providing two properties and broadly similar quality of life with both parents - irrespective of who has done what and who brought what into the marriage. However, you weren’t together/married long so as long as both of you can be provided with a suitable property out of your joint assets, your assets pre-marriage may not be needed. This is why you need to stand up to him - however that is achieved - as if you can agree something sensible between you the court can accept that…but that only works if you are both honest about everything. If he is not honest or is trying to bully you, then I’d get solicitor to deal with it and court if necessary.

I’m just drastically rearranging my finances after divorce - it’s painful to have to pay him to go away but it’s a lot better than it might have been, and better still than still being together. Grit your teeth and do it, and be free.

Japer78 · 27/05/2023 13:23

Hi mums am now single again - divorced - what is the best way to meet singles in Cobham / Surrey generally. Very daunting and not keen on large scale dating sites. Would prefer smaller events. Thanks

Japer78 · 27/05/2023 13:38

Oh no got this wrong sorry

Original poster
FurryTailOfNewYork · 27/05/2023 18:10

Povertytrapped · 27/05/2023 12:08

As my solicitor explained to me OP, what’s legal and what’s fair are not the same; the court will be looking for the kids needs to be paramount and for the financial arrangements for the parents to reflect that. So it’s about providing two properties and broadly similar quality of life with both parents - irrespective of who has done what and who brought what into the marriage. However, you weren’t together/married long so as long as both of you can be provided with a suitable property out of your joint assets, your assets pre-marriage may not be needed. This is why you need to stand up to him - however that is achieved - as if you can agree something sensible between you the court can accept that…but that only works if you are both honest about everything. If he is not honest or is trying to bully you, then I’d get solicitor to deal with it and court if necessary.

I’m just drastically rearranging my finances after divorce - it’s painful to have to pay him to go away but it’s a lot better than it might have been, and better still than still being together. Grit your teeth and do it, and be free.

Thank you so much for your advice everyone. This sums it up to me. It is fair after all that any decisions by the court should be taken into the sole interest of the children, and not based to individual contributions.
Thank you for your collective wisdom 🌹

OP posts:
Mumof3confused · 28/05/2023 18:30

I would probably just go to court in your situation?

Original poster
FurryTailOfNewYork · 28/05/2023 21:44

Thank you for your reply. I have all valuations and pension ready. Now he is saying he can’t go to court because his solicitor has asked him for an upfront payment of £12k and he can’t afford it and I m being selfish to not accept his generous offer to let him keep the family home and the business. It s a very well known and expensive group of solicitors.

Mine isn’t cheap (390 per hour plus VAT) but hasn’t asked for such a big upfront payment so I m wondering if he is using some tactics here to push me to a decision in his favour?

anyone heard of solicitors requesting an upfront payment of over 10k, before they assist with court paperwork and court fees?

Thank you so much 😊

OP posts:
Mumof4alsoabonus · 28/05/2023 22:05

FurryTailOfNewYork · 28/05/2023 21:44

Thank you for your reply. I have all valuations and pension ready. Now he is saying he can’t go to court because his solicitor has asked him for an upfront payment of £12k and he can’t afford it and I m being selfish to not accept his generous offer to let him keep the family home and the business. It s a very well known and expensive group of solicitors.

Mine isn’t cheap (390 per hour plus VAT) but hasn’t asked for such a big upfront payment so I m wondering if he is using some tactics here to push me to a decision in his favour?

anyone heard of solicitors requesting an upfront payment of over 10k, before they assist with court paperwork and court fees?

Thank you so much 😊

He can’t go to court because he knows there’s a good chance he will be laughed out of it. He is really pushing his luck and really pushing you to agree to everything. He’s not being even close to reasonable. You put the bulk in and he wants everything accumulated in the marriage. What’s the chances he will drop the 50/50 childcare after too? I would be fighting this all the way out of principal if nothing else.
I would feel differently if he had sacrificed his time and career for yours due to the children but you said this wasn’t the case? His sense of entitlement is crazy to me.

Original poster
FurryTailOfNewYork · 28/05/2023 22:18

Thank you for your reply. We have been living separately for over two years and he has been having the boys about 50% of the time so far but I think you are saying this might change and might be a way to ensure he has a better settlement. This is a possibility. He definitely seems very keen on money (I know he has a eye watering gym membership at an exclusive club that is almost £200 a month and according to the partial bank statements he shared about half a year ago through solicitors (lots of months missing and it took him over a year) he has been on expensive nights out at very posh cocktails bars and restaurants - think Knightsbridge - followed by overnight stays at nice hotels this last year or two.

he grew up in poverty and feels he is due his fair share of comfort and luxury. I think the kids are important to him as he is pretty isolated and doesn’t have friends and has high expectations that they will be more accomplished and give him lots of satisfaction as their dad. He sometimes puts them under undue pressure though. They are still very little.

But I was shocked to see his sudden lavish lifestyle as during the marriage I hadn’t seen this side of him

OP posts:
Mumof4alsoabonus · 28/05/2023 22:25

If he feels he’s due his fair share of comfort and luxury then he needs to go earn it. Why do you owe it to him? You have your children to consider, including your youngest. You earned your money and brought it to the marriage. You are already talking about waking away with less than you brought in and he’s not even happy with that? He’s definitely trying to push you into just giving in. Don’t do it. He probably has money put away that he’s not showing let alone sharing.
Will your children even benefit if you do? Or does he just want someone to fund his lifestyle?

Povertytrapped · 29/05/2023 09:33

Most solicitors ask for an upfront payment - I think the amount will depend on their rates and their perception of your ability to pay! Mine was similar to yours - you don’t need an expensive Rottweiler you need someone who knows what they’re doing, the law is the same for both!

Original poster
FurryTailOfNewYork · 29/05/2023 17:51

Thank you. I also don’t think it makes any difference what we as husband and wife want or feel entitled to, but what the kids need. Maybe my comments about his luxury expenses are misleading and not relevant. I think it s more relevant that i have been married just under seven years. Or is it just under five years since I moved out two years ago? If the latter, then it s good news as it would be a shorter marriage
thank you everyone 🌹

OP posts:
Mumof3confused · 29/05/2023 23:01

Just go to court, and you won’t have to spend that much if you self represent and do everything yourself with some help to do the things you really can’t do yourself. If you issue proceedings he can’t refuse to go to court. He can then either take your - more reasonable - offer or find himself in court regardless. He can’t refuse to turn up.

frazzledasarock · 29/05/2023 23:14

Take him to court. And watch the judge bollock him for not filling out his form E.

a friends ex tried that to hide his assets and turned up without submitting his form e, the judge was not pleased.

strawberry2017 · 31/05/2023 21:49

The more I read the more I think go to court.

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