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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Is it normal not to be able to accept its over?

11 replies

Helpots · 23/05/2023 13:32

H of 4 years (together nearly 13) left me nearly 9 weeks ago, he’s moved in with his mum, he’s had depression and MH problems which he’s always attributed to his mum and childhood. Despite leaning on me for support in respect of those issues, he’s now telling me his depression has lifted since he returned to her, and that I’ve been the cause of all of his issues.

marriage started breaking down in august (although always been tempestuous - I wanted to leave in early 2022 because of his behaviour but he talked me round) - been TTC for 8 years, I think that’s what’s broken us and it became toxic between us

he no longer loves me, taken the majority of his belongings, he’s blocked me, if he speaks to me he becomes nasty and somewhat hysterical and intimidating. I feel as though he’s no longer the man I knew

and despite him making its clear it’s over, I can’t stop ruminating and hoping that one day in the future, we’ll find our way back to one another

is it normal to have this false hope in my head rather than accepting it’s over? I feel so sad and miserable, I just want our pre-august life back. I’m 43 and so scared for the future

OP posts:

Fourmagpies · 23/05/2023 13:57

I really think you would benefit from speaking to a counsellor or therapist. You need to work through how you are feeling before you can move forward. Hankering after the past isn't going to help you. I understand how upsetting this has been for you but you need to put yourself first.

Original poster

Helpots · 23/05/2023 13:59

Thank you @Fourmagpies - I’m accessing a lot of support, a counsellor, starting CBT, a MH professional, support from friends. I suppose I’m still in the grieving stage?

OP posts:

MMMarmite · 23/05/2023 14:03

It's completely normal to grieve. Take your time, treat yourself gently, lean on any friends or family who offer support.

Original poster

Helpots · 23/05/2023 14:05

Thank you @MMMarmite - my emotions and thoughts can change by the minute. How long does this awful process take? It’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. He’s had a breakdown and he hates me now, but I keep wondering whether in time he’ll realise he misses me

OP posts:

Highdaysandholidays1 · 23/05/2023 14:05

I think it can take a long time for your body and emotions to catch up with the rational part of your brain, and you will be definitely grieving for the life that might have been (even though it wasn't to be as he's turned out to be horrible towards you).

It is a time thing, good you are getting support too.

PimpMyFridge · 23/05/2023 14:06

You've had 13 years of a tempestuous relationship during which for 8 of those you were trying to conceive and you were feeling ready to end it a year ago.

I think it is not surprising this relationship has run it's course, that's a lot of friction and tension and unsettled dynamic to carry through life forever.
I think you will be better off building whatever your future will be outside of this relationship which sounds like it was unhealthy for many reasons.

I think your rumination and lack of acceptance is less about him and that specific relationship and more about your feelings on the unknown and yourself and your future and 'what could have been', which I think support and time and building positively from this point on will all improve.

BlastedPimples · 23/05/2023 14:08

I doubt he actually hates you.

I think it makes it easier for him to justify his abysmal behaviour by painting you as the bad guy. Hence his vitriol.

Were you really happy with him? Or are you simply more scared of a future without him?

Fourmagpies · 23/05/2023 15:05

@Helpots I'm glad you have support. It is like grief, and it will be very up and down for a while. But I do think you need a mind shift. He has taken the decision away from you and it sounds like he is mentally unwell at the moment. You need to put yourself first and let him process whatever he is going through. Who knows what the future holds, but if you are in the best place for yourself, you can make a decision with a clear mind on what is right for you. You are very capable of having a future without him. Don't let fear hold you back.

Original poster

Helpots · 23/05/2023 15:54

Thank you @Fourmagpies, I’m just really struggling today. Don’t know why he can’t be amicable about this after everything we’ve been through. I feel destroyed

OP posts:

Fourmagpies · 24/05/2023 13:16

@Helpots how are you feeling today? Remember this is about him, not you. His reaction isn't anything you can control. Have you tried meditation? It might help break the unhealthy cycle you're in.

MayBeee · 24/05/2023 13:27

When me and ex split up we were divided by many miles ( moved away ) but we never communicated again , the divorce was acrimonious and he said pretty hateful things about me to our teenagers .
You are in shock , and it will become less and less so in time especially when you realise there were more wrongs than rights in your marriage .
Give yourself time , and be kind to yourself , try not to dwell on the relationship , perhaps write down things you'd like to do even simple things like new bedding , change the layout of the furniture in your home .
Start looking after your skin , get early nights , sit in the garden with a cup of tea in the evening just a few ' you times ' .
Things will get better.

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