My 14 y old is feeling forced to live with her Dad and older sis

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(my ex told them to sort out who they want to live with after the divorce (which i told my ex do not do that as its cruel. Hes a gambler, im a moaner)). My 14 y old is feeling forced to live with her Dad cos of my 18 y old telling her to, (she got issues with me of growing up and i hid the snacks from all kids (crisps and biscuits) which causes her to have health problems which i only found out last year), to keep the siblings together, she doesnt want her siblings to split up.....i didnt want this either but i was hoping the 14 y old stay with her 10 y old with me as im more reliable on the finances side of it.

Is she actually old enough to "choose"? Yes i am aware that she is 14 and to choose where to stay.

Plus if they do go and live with Dad, theyve gotta check his bank statements to check hes not gambling. (He get paid not often bacs transfer but its all mostly in cash he get paid...that cash has been invisible for the past 15 yrs till jan when i gave him the ultimation to find a regular paid job,

I said you cant live like that, the way i did..youre far too young. 😕

What can i do?

If they are going to be nearby why not suggest to 14yr old to go 50:50 and see how she feels over the next few months. She may come to appreciate the stability and you might be less moany when financially separate from your unreliable ex.

I think from tins thread and the other one you're both putting too much onto your children - this should have been handled by you and your ex, you need to stop getting them so involved (checking bank statements etc) as it's going to be horribly damaging for them in the long term.

You and ex need to come to arrangements and communicate this clearly to DC, a united front - not playing each other off with the children. 14 + 10 year old are still so young, even at 18 it's a lot to deal with and process especially when responsibility to check bank statements to make sure someone's not gambling is being given.

Both of you are involving your children on way to much detail over your reLationship

yiu are both being incredibly unfair on them

its not your children responsibility to check of dad is gambling

what can you do? Stop dragging them into this mess, reassure them you love them and that they’ll always have a home with you, explain that you know and understand they are conflicted. Then back off other than keep reassuring them it’s ok

and yes at 14 your children would be able to choose

Checking dad's bank statements?
Really?
wow.

too much for all the kids.
if they live with dad, then dad takes responsibility. If he gambles away his salary and cant look after the kids, then they come to you.

But I am not sure why it is one or the other. Where is the 50:50?
and your 18 year old needs to stop pressurising the 14 year old. Their needs are very different and I assume that the 18 year old will be off soon to further education or something.

I didnt want to tell them anything apart from that me and Dad are getting a divorce as we werent getting on anymore. Thats it.

3 weeks ago he told them everything but not the gambling bit and my 18 yr old is to check his monthly bank statements...i was mortified!!!!

I felt like i had no choice but to tell them why we are getting divorced...he already told them that they need to be together or they will get dragged through the court. It like hes controlling them.

He does not 50/50 (he doesnt want to pay for the child maintenance like he did with his ex girlfriend years ago) No he want all 3 kids and the house regardless what he had done. He want me gone. Hes angry at me cos i suggested a divorce after 10 long suffering years cos i moaned for him to get a better paid job.

I mentioned to my 14 y old about the 18 yr old is going to university next year so will she wanna be there alone with him.

Im so scared

He constantly brings up his ex girlfriend name up throughout our relationship. Its like if hes punishing me cos he didnt with her.

I was with him 2.weeks later when he split up with his ex.

If your eldest is going to uni in September that’s four months away.

tell your 14 year old she stays with you and can visit her father on weekends. But needs to be home with you as she needs continuity with you. And it’s not her responsibility to take care of a gambling addict father.

can you call any helplines to talk through what is happening your children and you will need counselling having put up with an addict for so long.

@frazzledasarock sorry i wasnt clear. she going back to do her 2nd year of her course then to university in 2025. She is 19 in October. She got a boyfriend of 3 years too...(she.always wanted her own place with her boyfriend but she does need a full time job to afford it).

She works 20 hours a week as well

you need legal advice.
You need to go through family court and get custody put in place.

Family court should also take time to talk to your kids.

He is trying to bully and control you.
You need to get help.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Thank you so much everyone for your sounds advices. I really appreciated it so much 💓

@steppemum thank you