My 2 eldest want to live with their Dad

[Unloved1]

They are 14 and 18. I have to respect their wishes but im worried they not thought it through.

My ex is a gambler for the past 10 years and blamed it all on me cos i moaned!.

I asked for a divorce under 4 weeks ago. He wont move out cos he said "I'm not the one who is walking out on them".....i said you shouldve of thought of that before u started gambling.?!?!

My ex told them behind my back 3 weeks ago (i just found out 2 days ago). i told ex that we will do it together this weekend after he was putting loads of pressure on me up to 2 days ago that we tell them we're getting divorced and who they are to choose who to live with. I said no, we will tell them we are getting divorced (and then once theyve got the idea, we will ask them who to live with...i said its cruel but he insisted....i got a feeling it was all about money - child maintenance).

We havent told our 10 yr old yet but the 18 yr old said we dont want to split up so we all be together with Dad.

I feel Dad is punishing me for his actions as he wont get help for it. Ive tried to help him...all failed but the final straw is i caught him in the bookies, he lied where he was. He mightve of lied for years. Cos his job is mainly cash but a few bacs payments aswell which he constantly chased up after them

For the past 15 yrs he never really brought money home cos of his self employed job....it never regular, we were always 3 months behind in mortgage and other bills...once he get paid, the mortgage and bills get paid up there and then. We just never seen a penny of it. I moaned to get a new job but he wouldn't.

The stress and the depression was unbelievable of why did i put up with it??? ... cos i love him and i stayed with the kids hoping he would change.

The 14 and 18 yr old doesnt want to live with me because I used to hide the biscuits and crisps from them (!!)...my 18 yr got autism. She sees everything in black and white....theres no grey areas. My 14 yrs old is just young. He cant even look after himself, never mind to look after the kids full time.

I will fight for my 10 yr old. I feel like im getting punished for everything cos of his actions!! He's smiling now. Dickhead

Where do i stand?

Im the main parent carer for all kids. I get the child benefit for them. Ex doesnt do anything with the 10 yr old cos i take him to all his sport hobbies and ex take 14 y old to all her football matches. He doesnt take them anywhere else apart from them things. I organise everything...days out, holidays in camping, meals, cinema...etc. he doesnt do anything like that.. ever.

Ive been with him for 22 yrs.

Our house is already up for sale but we are struggling to sell it for its price as we live on a very busy noisy main road. I want to lower it. He doesnt.

My friend said move out, take the 10 y old with you, sell the house for whatever it will sell and move on.

Will i be worse off? Will i lose out financially too much on the sale of the house? Will i get help? Will able to have my 10 yr old with me? (hes always with me), Ex dont want him to live with me. He want all the kids to be together with him, regardless what he had done.

I was hoping the 14 yr old and 10 yr old to live with me as ex goes out to pool 5 times a week, comes home at midnight - 1am and the 18 y old to live with him.

Im waiting for my mum to come home from her holiday to mind my 10 yr old whilst ill spk to the solicitors free 30 mins legal advice over the phone

Im devastated

Plus my 18 yr old just said before that ex is gonna prove it to them that hes not gambling by showing them his bank statements. She went to work

I told my 14 y old...i dont want you to live how ive lived...you dont wanna be worrying incase you get thrown out of the house cos of bills/mortgage not getting paid.....you both are far too young to go through this!?!

Stay in the house and get all documents and financials together and take copies of any important documents

See a solicitor and find out where you stand, then kick off divorce proceedings

You can't force your older 2 to go to you, but I suspect that once the novelty wears off they will probably want to come back to you.

As for talking to them, be open and honest with them, always make sure they know they can't talk to you, but you may have to grit your teeth for a few months

@BanditsOnTheHorizon yes i am aware that i cant force my 2 eldest.

Ive just spoken to my 14 y old. I asked why do you want to live with your Dad, even though he gambles?

It turns out that my eldest is hammering at her to live with Dad because my eldest not forgiven me for me hiding the snacks from her and the kids...i thought it was normal cos a few of my mates did that to their kids and even my mum to me and my bro!.

My 14 y old is saying its not a big deal for her about the snacks as it is to my 18 y old.

Plus im gobsmacked how much my ex is drilling into them. My ex said to the two eldest he doesnt want to take the kids to court, for them to question them where they want to live (is that true??) and if to be seperated, they wont see each other that much cos living in different houses. (Wtf!?!?!?!) So she is not sure now. I just said thats loads of bull....it just me and dad go to the mediation meeting together to sort out child living arrangements before it ever go to court as we both got no money. (Please re correct me if im wrong?)

I said dont let anyone make the mind up for you...you need to do that. I even asked what if the 10 y old want to live with me? She said I dont know what to do.

I feel so f ing shit asking her these questions but sounds like my ex had been drilling them two with some shit. I said to him not to put them two on the spot......and he did.

Can you explain the documents to me please? Financial ive got with him is our bank, credit union, mortgage, our car, all credit cards in my name apart from one that his in our bank.....i think that's it.

So as my 14 y old is feeling forced to live with her Dad cos of my 18 y old telling her to, to keep the siblings together, she doesnt want her siblings to split up.....i didnt want this either but i was hoping the 14 y old stay with her 10 y old with me as im more reliable on the finances side of it.

Is she actually old enough to "choose"? Yes i am aware that she is 14 and to choose where to stay.

I said we will talk about it in a few weeks time.

What can i do?

Unfortunately OP there will be a lot of emotions running around right now, for everyone.
Your eldest two have the right to decide where they want to live and who with, and possibly, saying things like, why do you want to live with Dad as he gambles, will go over their heads. The gambling, whilst impactful to you, won't have been to them, iyswim..
Things will settle, and calm down. Perhaps you should keep conversations open, encourage them to decide for themselves and support them regardless. If they do chose to live with Dad, you want to keep that door wide open for them to come back.
I recall your previous posts on this..it seems he went over your head and had that conversation with the children anyway? So I can see there will be a lot of anger on your part, and it's justified, but try your best to support the children. You have a way to go before things are finalised, and I think your husband will realise a lot as things progress. Don't take everything being said now as what will definitely happen. Be calm. Be the bigger person and your children will, in time see things for what they are.
And seek legal advice on child arrangements orders ASAP. Don't communicate anything at all regarding this to your ex. Arm yourself with the facts first. Good luck!

@Humanswarm oh thank you for your advice. My 14 y old had said she is not sure who to live with, esp with him gambles.

Ive said to her we will talk in a few weeks time. I feel like she in the middle of this atm. I said dont let anyone makes up your mind. Youve got a few months to make.your mind up. She looked relieved but i did say if you do decide to live with Dad in a few months then ill respect that.

Do i go and see a mediator or a solicitor over the child arrangements (for my 10 y old, Did u say?)

Yes, look for a local mediation service and book that, but prior to that speak to a solicitor so you know what you're asking for a mediation! That's vital.
A child arrangements order will be so important here ai think to give the children stability. It can also be for your 14 year old..yes of course their wishes are heard and very often at that age listened to, but the courts can decide otherwise, even at 14, if they feel its better she's placed with you. So, yes, your 14 your old can make her own mind up, it's important to remember she is still a child and the living arrangements should be what's best for her in terms if health, well being and stability.

Speak to a family lawyer first, then mediation.

I'm not surprised the kids feel stuck in the middle as it sounds like both parents are pushing them into making a "decision".

It sounds like he won't stop either but you need to consider how this affects them as they need both parents ideally.

Also you never actually talk about them having a routine or seeing both parents just that they can only live with one parent?

Have you started divorce proceedings yet @Unloved1? There's a how to guide here.

See if you can get help with the Court Fee here.

You've had some really good advice on this thread already.

Don't leave the house, it will make you vulnerable.

Don't push the DC to decide who to live with, it will only add to their upset. If they say that they want to live with their Dad say that you love them, and you'll miss them but they're welcome to be with you always.

Rights of Women offer free legal advice. I'd give them a call.

And it does seem from your posts that you may be on a very controlling relationship. Please give Women's Aid a call too.

Tell them about the gambling and how he is with the mortgage and bills and ask how you get him to leave safely.

I was 18 when my parents split up and my dad really got in my head whilst my mum wasn't around telling me how it was all her fault and that he would be left with no one. He made me feel resentful toward her that she was breaking up the family.

He stayed in the family home and me and my younger brother (14) decided to stay with him whilst my other brother (10) stayed with mum.

Dad was an alcoholic and used to my mum running around after him. It was an untenable situation for her but she never badmouthed him to us and we didn't know half of what was going on.

Believe me when I say that this situation. lasted less than a month - I immediately was assumed mother position by my dad and I wasn't prepared for that at all. He wanted me in the pub with him to keep him company, there was no food in the house, no money. I was back with my mum in weeks as was my brother and there we stayed until we were grown up.

Don't put too much pressure on the kids, allow them to make their own decision but the reality for them will be very different if they live with him without you.

Good luck I hope it all works out

You should let 14yo know that 50/50 is a possibility if she'd like that.

@Humanswarm thanks for your advice. Im having a free half an hour legal advice next week. How do i be the bigger better person? In what way?

@wobytide this wasnt the plan as he agreed that he wont ask the kids about where to live till a few weeks down the line so they get used to we are getting divorced...but he went behind my back and put them on the spot 3 weeks ago. He said to them its up to you if you come and live with me, you can see your mum at anytime and you can check my bank statements.... i told my 14 y old that i do not want him to do that as you'll end up worrying......

Trust me i didnt want to say anything to them but he already did cos i was dragging it out. (I asked for the divorce 3 days before he told the kids!?!) I wanted it to be calm and the right time to break the news.

They knew already as me and ex didnt do anything together cos he couldnt be arse with us. Ive booked us together in a hotel, cinema, meal etc...i really tried but the trust had been long gone.

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto no not started yet as im seeking legal advice next week first. Ive tried the womens aid. Ive emailed to them but they said they only deal with dv.

@Fifiellz that is what worrying me as he does (and has in the past used) the kids against me. They dont know that.

@WheelsUp yes i did mention the 50/50 to my 14 yo this morning. She never heard of it. I told her to keep that in her thought (if she ever consider that).

Ive also had a talk with my 18 y old and i am really sorry please accept my apology with the foods situation as i didnt realised that did affected you and hope you will forgive me. 😔

....she told me last year and ive slowly been bringing the snacks out..

Im trying to change. I dont want it to affect my other kids.

Sounds as though they would all be better off with you and the 14 year old doesn't seem all that sure of wanting to live with her dad. Maybe she isn't self assured at stating her own opinion? If your ex is out several nights a week is he really responsible enough to make sure everything is done ready for school the next day and that she's actually going to bed etc? My son would stay up all night on his computer if I didn't nag him and he's a similar age.

The snack thing is not a reason for either of them not to live with you, and it sounds as though you are only trying to stop them being unhealthy. My kids would eat a week's supply of snack in one night if I let them! If he's got a gambling problem and is behind with bills then he isn't going to give them the life they should have.

@Serena73 yes i did mention that to him...as i told him that he cant even look after himself never mind the kids and the household. He said that he would reduce the pool nights. He played pool for over 30 years now. I am the main carer who always tuck them into bed, ring docs/hosp appointments, take them to appointments, etc...

He got no routine as a few times ive gone out for a couple of hours, come back alot later after 3pm and the kids comes up to me everytime "im starving" they had no lunch because ex is not hungry. I dont even know why the kids never go up to him and say im hungry...its always me.

Is that normal??

Plus what if the 10 yr old want to live with me? As we are practically joined to the hip every day cos i take him to all his hobbies which is 4 times a week.

My ex said he got no say in this as hes too young (!!) So hes living with him along with the eldest.

He can't dictate that the 10yo lives with him the majority of the time. The courts would award 50% max.

It sounds like the 14yo and 18yo will end up being babysitter so that he can play pool. It also sounds like continuing 4 hobbies might not be possible considering how flaky he is.

Last time you posted it sounded like the eldest 2 were going to be 50/50 while the youngest stayed with you the majority of the time.

He changed his mind now. He want the full custody of all kids and the youngest doesnt know anything cos ex said hes too young to choose. (But he didnt tell me he was having him anyway). So now the 2 eldest want the youngest to follow on with them so they dont split up.

I was told yesterday

But the 14 y old is get pressurised from the 18 y old and the Dad to all be together. (As her words mirrored his words 😳🤔). I asked what if the 10 y old want to live with me?...are u still going to live with Dad? She said i dont know

Im in the house with the ex as hes not moving out.

He sent me a message last night stating that things had changes now..i to sleep on the downstairs couch (as im upstairs in the bedroom atm) because the 2 eldest had chosen him and till i can afford to move out or the house to be sold then so be it so the couch is mine now.. (yeh whatever!!)

So he thinks thats their final say from the 2 eldest and i to accept it and for me to shove off cos the kids dont want to live with me. I said you cant even look after yourself, never mind looking after them and the household.

So yeh the kids will be their housemaids as i did everything 100%, i even gave them lifts to everywhere they needed to go whilst he sat on his arse doing nothing

Ive just asked what are his plans. So we having a talk at the weekend.

And i do agree with 50/50

Hope he does too

..
Even Though he never done 50/50 as i do the lot of parental side of it. He juet take 14 y old to football training and matches, i take the 10 y old to his sport hobbies 4 times a week. He picks up the 18 y old up from wherever she is...same as me.

I do all the wellbeing side of it...ie docs, hosp, etc plus the household upkeep ie tidying, cleaning, shopping, etc

But to do 50/50...he be in for a shock to do his parenting side of it. He never done it. He do more of 30.

It sounds like the children and your ex are in for a shock.
If the 14yo doesn't want to pick then 50/50 like the 10yo is probably for the best.

@WheelsUp thanks so much

And to everyone else.

My mind, rn, is clear. Brilliant advices on here.

By the time we're divorced... my 18 y old will be off to the university next year in 2024 (she will be 20 in the Oct)... leaving the 14 y old ( she will be 16 in the Sept) leaving her to deal with her Dad's gambling and to mind the 10 y old which he will be 12 in the June.

Ive gotta think of their wellbeing, stability and continuity that they get from me, which they wont get from Dad as hes never done it. I need to protect all of them from his gambling (him showing them his monthly bank statements!!). I do not want him to damage our kids more than he already done cos of his addict.

I got to be the bigger and better person in all of this.