Husband wants to separate where do I stand ?

[Purpleshoesplease]

My husband announced 2 days ago that he is very unhappy and wants to separate . This has completely shocked and shattered me as I had no idea we had problems in our relationship. We have been together 15 years have 2 DD age 14 and 12 and have been married nearly 11 years . The past year or so has been tough with ongoing health issues for me and hospital stays for our youngest DD and husband has been v stressed with work but I was 100% sure that our marriage was solid and loving - now he’s saying the stress he is suffering is because he’s unhappy in our relationship and has been for a long time . I had no inkling at all .
He has gone away for the weekend with our eldest daughter ( who doesn’t suspect anything ) but will be back this evening and after 2 sleepless nights and feeling like I’ve been hit by a bus I am trying to figure out where I stand legally in my situation .

I am a registered full time carer for our youngest DD and have not worked since we moved to a new part of the country when our eldest was 1 for his job . Our daughter has the high rate DLA for care and mobility . She has learning disabilities and is doubly incontinent, when she’s not at school she can only be with me or husband . I do everything care wise for her and am up in the night with her as well as doing everything in the household cooking , cleaning , life admin etc but only have any time for this or anything else when she’s at school . My husband works long hours and we have no family support so it’s all on me . This was fine as this has always been the deal , he works and provides financially , I run everything else . I have a small craft business based around ny hobby , registered with hmrc but only making a few thousand a year .

We have a joint bank account and joint mortgage on our house which is in both our names . So his salary plus the DLA benefits for our daughter and my Carers Allowance all go into that bank account .

where do I stand if we separate ? We haven’t talked much yet as I was in to much shock and the kids were about. I am totally dependent financially on him and cannot work with my daughters care needs . We have no family support , out of school hours it’s all on me to look after her and other DD , she has multiple hospital appointments and is off school a lot .
What does he have to pay for legally in this situation and what do I need to do now ?

sorry it’s so long but I’m completely in shock and don’t know where to turn

Call a solicitor at 9am tomorrow morning for an initial appointment.

If you can’t afford to stay in the house it looks like you must sell etc. You’d be entitled to more help with other benefits housing costs etc.

I’m so sorry for what’s happening to you.
Prepare yourself for the prospect that his head has been turned. (I really hope not.)
Deep breath.
Don't panic.
Start gathering financial info together whilst he’s away. Pensions, mortgage, savings and other accounts. Pay slips. All that sort of thing.
Ring a solicitor on Monday. In fact ring a couple & ask if they offer free consultation prior to engaging them? Many do.
From what I’ve read on MN, you will be at a starting point of 50/50 in terms of everything.
Good luck OP.

Also what will be his ongoing child care plan ?
You do your job ( keeping the house going , caring responsibilities etc ) because he supports you financially and what he does at home. You will be unable to do this without him 100% of the time.
Should be get off scot free and live a life of a single man while you struggle on ?
Sod that , if he thinks he can , go for 50/50 childcare or at least something that gives you time to yourself or getting a job if appropriate .

I'd be asking him what his plan is for DDs ongoing care? How does he propose to manage 50/50 care of her when he works so much.

I fear he thinks he can drop this bomb and then live his life free of the childcare issues, because he's never had to worry about juggling work and childcare..

It’s pretty unfair to announce out of the blue he is done. Would he attend counselling at least to talk it through? I would point out that the starting point in a divorce would be he gets the children half the time which is going to make his working life impossible. It sounds like you both have tough roles - the pressure on you both must feel unbearable at times. Explore your options but if he insists it’s over speak to a solicitor early, you need someone good to protect you and the children.

This.

I wonder if he has got fed up of caring for your dd and you, and that's why he wants to separate? Many men find caring responsibilities too much.

See a solicitor asap.

And 💐

There is provision in English divorce laws to deal with situations where one party is prevented from working or dependents have additional needs. Weather and how they will apply to you is difficult to say from your post.

Given the situation both your children will need you both to have a strong co parenting arrangement. I would also look to levering as much social and voluntary care as you can.

Practically speaking there are legal solutions that can be used. Such as spousal support, mesher orders (these vary and you don’t always need to pay the mortgage) and larger capital share of marital assets. Consider these carefully because they all come with stings in their tail. If at some point in the future you weren’t to your daughters carer this support drops off a cliff. Giving you a huge adjustment possibly later in life when this is more difficult.

Thank you for your replies . In my shock I hadn’t thought about the fact he would have to do 50/50 childcare if he’s not financially providing fully and I need to work . He’s a senior manager and def can’t work part time , doing school runs and hospital appointments etc , school holidays . Plus would then need to be living somewhere big enough for kids to be there …

I do think he’s having some kind of mid life crisis and reacted in a over the top way . He ( we) were both 50 in last couple of months , we’ve had a lot of stress with his work and kids / my health . A friend the same age suddenly died of a heart attack which shook him up .

or maybe he has been unhappy a long time and it’s def over , or he’s met someone else that he’s not telling me about !

I’m going against the grain here but I don’t think rush to solicitors yet. That’s not because I do t think you should get the facts and information but you can do that online, Google, read up etc

yiu need to chat to your husband. Ask what his thoughts are, his plans, his care will be provided, what money : support etc, how does he think this will work

again, not because he gets to control things but for both of you to take stock, take time to think and talk, and let shock die down a bit

there is a time and place for solicitors but in this case personally I’d say give it a few weeks and try to talk

This is what my sister ( who came for the night from London to see me) has said . The girls and I are going to my parents for half term Friday anyway which gives us both some space . We can talk more this week and have some time and space
I’ve been reading overnight on internet and have helpline numbers to call to discuss when necessary . If I start seeing a solicitor it will come from joint account so he will know and that might push him to act quickly rather than take time to talk things through

Many solicitors will often give you a free half hour consultation, this would avoid him seeing it in the bank account. You can search using resolution.org.uk/

You need to use this time he is away to get copies of all bank/pension/saving/mortgage accounts and balances. This is to protect yourself should the situation deteriorate. See is as an insurance policy, don't leave yourself vulnerable because you don't know the finances.

Sadly you need to stop trusting he has your best interest at heart and be savvy here to look out for yourself. Sorry you are in this situation.

She can't go for 50/50 as the RP.
You can't force someone to parent. The NRP can do as little as they want and not be penalised at all

This sounds like a complex situation as your DD will require care well beyond childhood.

Can anyone help you pay to speak to a solicitor? I don't think you will get what you need from a free consultation and it will be worth paying for a session with someone with particular expertise to understand your options fully.

Can you download a year or more worth or bank statements from your joint account?
That is excellent proof of the current family financial situation.
Would your sister or parents lend you the money to see a solicitor without your husband finding out? You could pay them back in cash over a month or so so it’s not obvious. The starting point absolutely won’t be 50/50 financially if you are the registered carer for a disabled child of the marriage and cannot work due to that.

Use a joint credit or debit card to pay for a solicitor, you don’t need to keep it a secret. Take control, don’t discuss finances with him until you’ve seen the solicitor and then tell him his solicitor needs to contact yours.
You will be entitled to at least half his pension and half the house equity.
Don’t let him be in charge of the situation.

It’s not about letting him take charge

its about op and her husband being able to talk, to discuss, to process. We don’t know he’s out to rip her off. Thus us a shock, even most likely for him
op, take time. Think about what you need and what you want. Talk to him and hear his initial views ( you dont have to agree with them)

trying to thrash things out when emotions are so raw may not be great

again, it’s not about meeting him win/ take control/dictate. It’s about letting emotions sink in, about thinking rationally what to do, hearing how he’s thinking if things - then take it from
there