What is the likely outcome here and how do I handle it with the kids?

[bringonyourwreckingball]

Possibly long, sorry. Married 19 years, together 22, 2 dds aged 17 and 15. I found out last June that STBXH had had a 6 month affair. We tried counselling, but I knew something wasn’t right and it subsequently came out that he had been concealing a substantial amount of his income from me and spending it on prostitutes.
He moved out in Sept 22 and has been renting nearby. He has the children overnight once or twice a week but does no actual parenting otherwise eg medical, school, university applications, driving lessons and driving practice, pick ups and drop offs for work and hobbies - all me.
When we first got together we did the same job but when we had the kids that wasn’t going to work (long hours, unpredictable) so I took a step back to 4 days a week in a more predictable but still ‘career’ job in the same field. There have been various opportunities over the years for me to step my career up a bit but it would have involved him committing to being more involved with the kids and that just wasn’t there. As a result he now earns over £140k and I earn about half that. Added complication is that I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer in November so have been working very part time during treatment and am not in a position to change roles any time soon.
Now starting to talk about financial settlement. He won’t give me full financial disclosure which is ringing a number of alarm bells but that’s a side issue. The main thing is where we are likely to end up as regards the family home, timing, and how I manage the kids needs/wants/expectations. Neither of us can afford to buy the other out on our own. He says he could buy me out with family help - I don’t want that as I don’t think it is in the kids best interests as I’ve always been the ‘main’ parent and I don’t think they want it either although if it came to that or losing their home I don’t know? My base point is I don’t want to have to sell the house in the next 12-18 months because the girls have exams next year and it would be hugely disruptive on top of already dealing with the divorce and my cancer. The ideal would be staying put until dd2 goes to Uni but at the moment ExDH will only agree to that if I take on a very hefty mortgage to buy out a large chunk of his equity - even if that was possible I’m not comfortable with that level of debt. The halfway house is that we sell once dd1 is at Uni but that seems very unfair on dd2 and might cause resentment. I feel I would probably get the blame for that, as unfair as that is in the circumstances.

if you have got this far - thanks for reading and please lay some Mumsnet wisdom on me. What do I do for the best and is there any least worst option here?

Have you taken legal advice? I should stress I'm not a lawyer and I'm at the very start of the process, but understand that in this situation you might well be able to stay in the marital home while you are housing the children. Your husband would have a charge on the house so that when you sell, later, he gets his equity. As long as he can house himself adequately for now.

Legal advice though before you make decisions, can't stress it enough. You can even get a free half hour with a solicitor with most firms. Ask around for local recommendations. And good luck 💐

I have had 3 lots of legal advice so far all saying wildly differing things!

His pension is likely huge compared to yours, try mediation that's a cheaper way to reach agreements for a solicitor to draw up an order and you may be able to agree offsetting his pension against his equity in the matrimonial home. Does he have any investments? Everything is a matrimonial asset in a long marriage like yours.

His pension is certainly larger than mine but I don’t know for sure by how much. Mine actually isn’t bad, I’ve been with the same employer a long time. No investments that I know of but have not had financial disclosure so don’t know for sure. I’m reluctant to even start mediation without financial disclosure (at least the basics!) because it feels like a waste of time and money to be talking about a hypothetical division of assets when I don’t know what they are - he has/had full transparency on my finances, I have nothing to hide.

I wouldn't be starting mediation on financial split without at least a proper valuation on his pension. If he's been earning twice your wage for a while I'd expect there to be a big discrepancy in your pensions. That might be enough to offset a fair bit of the equity.

Yes to get to my more legal advice but personally I’d stall at every point. You’ve got enough to be getting on with and I don’t think it’s not in your benefit to change things quickly

A Mesher Order may be the best option, so, prevents the sale of the family home, until such a time children are 18 or in uni or whatever other criteria you need it to meet. Given the age of your children it's quite plausible that it would be granted.

I would agree a Mesher Order sounds the most sensible here, until youngest is 18. Courts generally don't like Mesher Orders in the long term (because they cause hardship for the NRP until the trigger and hardship for the RP after if property values move a lot) but when you have two children doing A-Levels and GCSEs and you'll be selling in a few years they're not a bad idea.

I think I would place full disclosure of assets including valuation of pensions as a condition of starting mediation. It's a bit pointless anyways until then, and there doesn't seem any advantage to trying to hurry things up if your girls have exams next year.

I'd do this too, completely pointless otherwise.

Thanks. I have now had my solicitor write to him to say that I won’t engage in mediation without disclosure. I’m a bit nervous about what he’s playing at since he must know he’ll have to give me the information one way or another -I can’t work out whether he is just being difficult for the sake of it or whether there’s some game plan

There was a wonderful longrunning saga in relationships which had a CF exH making an ostensibly "generous " offer to split ownership of the family house a bit in her favour, then later turned out to have been secretly paying into a second pension she knew nothing about that contained 500 000 pounds by not disclosing his whole salary package. Had been doing it for years.

Forensic accountant?

He says he could buy me out with family help - I don’t want that as I don’t think it is in the kids best interests as I’ve always been the ‘main’ parent

I don't understand what you're saying here? It would have no bearing on your being the RP. It doesn't mean they would have to stay with him in the family home.

Will your DH be able to afford somewhere to live without the equity?

Why not speak to your children. They are of the age where their wishes can and would be taken into consideration. They may not be as opposed to moving as you think.

Be careful.

Due to your younger child being 15 there is nothing stopping him dragging out the divorce until your child is 18.

Once both children are 18 or over then they aren't counted as far as splitting assets are concerned.

I suggest you talk to your DC as they are old enough to be asked about moving. Also your oldest DC would probably like to move before she goes to university otherwise she would be coming back during the holidays to a place she never lived in.

I have spoken to the children. Neither child wants to move before Uni, although I suspect dd2 might be more open to it once her sister goes to Uni and it’s just the 2 of us. I don’t think I could face trying to move before dd1 goes to Uni, I have another 6 months of cancer treatment ahead of me and we’ve barely even started the divorce.

if he bought me out of the family home, the kids would still want to live with me so it would be a bit of a pointless exercise.