Coparenting and no contact.

[wildlingtribe]

I've decided no contact is probably best at the moment, but it proves tricky. There's four children involved, no child arrangements orders, nothing set in stone as plans keep changing whether I make a plan or not. I haven't ever had CSA in the 2 ish years. It's all been toxic and emotional abuse. So no contact is what I'm trying because the strain is just incessant, it still feels hard work now because it's constant guess work

but how do these things carry on where there isn't anyone else to bring in. Or help mediate. At the moment my daughter (13) takes it upon herself to call her dad if she notified him of something, or he will say oh I'm having you kids X day, not Friday. And info just gets fed back to me through her.

I've put off legal advice and orders because of repercussions. And accusations thrown my way. That I being spiteful. I've tried for so long to be amicable, but I've been walked all over, have been way too nice and not assertive. I just need to know what's what. I solo parent them 6 days a week, sometimes 24/7. Depending when he wants them one night or not.

It's draining.

Is he abusive to your children? Does your 13 year old want to see him?

Sorry I'm not 100% sure what you are asking but if the kids are older is there any need for you to speak to him anyway? I don't really talk to my ex at all the kids have his number but we don't speak really

No abuse. The children are 13 & under.

I just mean, how can arrangements be made, dates, plans, hobby's etc be out in place with no contact?
I tried doing it though amicable talking, text, calendar, nothing works.

So what other ways are there other than our eldest relaying info or going to the legal route?

I use an app - our family wizard. It was court ordered and as I understand it is admissable in evidence (hence why my barrister asked for it).

It's not totally perfect but my ex is only subtly abusive on it rather than overtly. (Lots of exclamation marks rather than lots of swearing etc)

But in honesty I think if your daughter is happy then just keep doing what you are? I keep communications to an absolute minimum because grey rock is the only way to manage my ex

Legal route can't force him to see them. My ex just comes down to see the kids when he wants then goes again 🤷 he takes them out for the day and that's it. I don't inform him of anything and he doesn't ask. How old are the other children ?

An alternative would be asking a third party to relay communications (eg a relative ) but I tried that for a bit and it didn't work brilliantly as ex would just try and make it difficult by messaging v late at night etc.

I don’t understand, by no contact do you mean you are stopping all contact between him and the children, or just that you don’t want to talk to him?

Putting that pressure on a 13 year old is unacceptable in my opinion you need to communicate about the children nothing more

Hmmmm....XP tries to communicate via DS1, 13, and I don't think it's fair on him. It's always hard work to get XP to answer text messages though- and I mean very neutral, innocuous ones like "Which days in half term are you planning to have the kids?" It's a form of stonewalling, and the only tiny bit of control they can still have over you.

Maybe try email? He'll still probably manage to be a dick though.

Put a contact schedule in place (via a mediator maybe, but only if you're u're able to make them fully aware of how he treats you), expect him to stick to it. If he doesn't he loses out - loses time with the children and / or upsets the children so much they don't want to go to his the next time.

I know the latter will be one of the last things you want but it's the only way. They need to be exposed at some point to what his actions and choices lead to, feelings wise.

My eldest has been living with him now. I'm trying to get a balance on this like an adult. She needs her mum. He isn't emotionally mature at all. And maybe I think this is her way of feeling connected to him?
I feel like I do need legal advice now but I'm worried for the repercussions from him and our daughter. She has been unknowingly alienated from me. The turn around was so rapid. She didn't want to go there or didn't have many good things to say about him & his mum for two years. And now this in a matter of two months.
She only texts me to ask for screen time. She doesn't contact otherwise.
I've previously asked him to do mediation, he said no.
Last week he just said she lives with him.
She doesn't come out to say hello or bye when the other three go there and come home.
Then the next day he acts like normal like this is all something I should be ok with?

What's also hurtful is that it seems my mother role has been replaced by his mother.

Wildlingtribe, what an horrible situation. I’m in something similar myself. Could you consider seeking legal advice and going to court? Would that work for a 13 year old? You could represent yourself so it wouldn’t have to cost a fortune. I don’t know if anyone at Cafcass you can speak to or citizens advice?

At 13 her preference on where she wants to live will inform any court order. And contact won’t be enforced because it wouldn’t be in her interests to do that. It’s likely to damage your relationship more to try to legally force her into seeing you.

You need to help her understand why she is making this decision. My guess is that she felt there was no decision she could make that would sit well with both of you. Therefore she is deciding what suits her the most.

The acrimony will have had a huge impact on her. I am not saying your are to blame for that. But it has impacted and the way to deal with it is not going to be a new acrimonious court case with her at the centre of it.

That being said I would get something regular agreed for the younger children and agree a neutral means of contact like family wizard.

Her preference is just 1 of 7 guidelines the court use. It is not the sole decision. They take into account all the factors of the case.

https://www.familylawpartners.co.uk/blog/high-court-judge-writes-letter-teenage-boy-explaining-judgment

In this case, the boy was 14 and wanted to move overseas with his Dad. The judge decided better to live with his Mum.

Although obviously different as moving overseas, just goes to show they do weigh up the whole situation and not rely 100% on the child.

We have a joint meeting at the school today. I'm petrified. Our daughter is still refusing to come home despite her dad not having anywhere to stay at the moment so she's choosing to go to his sisters. She's not given reasons why she doesn't want to come home. But she's also lying about stuff too copying him, concealing where she is.
How can I make the teachers see this? Their dad will put on the trophy parent act and trigger me with his emotional abuse. I'm praying I don't crumble.