Anyone reconciled from brink of divorce?

[Helpots]

Im a family lawyer, and I do have a few clients each year who’ve already started divorce proceedings but reconcile.

separated from H just over 7 weeks ago, he left, I think he’s had a breakdown, had a torrid 8 months throughout which he kept changing his mind about whether or not he wanted to continue with the marriage, but telling me throughout he loved me up to 2 days before he left me.

he now no longer loves me, doesn’t want to be with me, is holed up in his mums spare room, no intention to move out of there, not consulted solicitors beyond some online advice, can’t speak to me without being incredibly insulting and shouting at me

I know the advice will be to move on but I’m not ready to at the moment.

has anyone on here managed to come back from the brink?

You don’t have to ‘move on’ but I’d suggest you just take some time, he doesn’t sound very nice. You might find a few months down the line you won’t put up with this shit anymore as you deserve better

Sorry to say but you should prepare yourself for the other woman to appear.

Why do you want to reconcile with someone who can't decide one day to the next whether he loves you, is horrible to you, and has walked out on you?

You don't need him

Husband moved out for a year and we got back together. It changed nothing, he was still a prick. I suffered two more years and now we're actually getting a divorce

Yes. No affair but the stress of parenting an autistic child - he tried to parent typically and got very angry with child. The day he dragged him (aged about 11) across the room I made him leave.
He apologised in writing to our son, learnt about autism, and has never touched him aggressively since (12 years later) and we are very happy.

I wonder if he is having some kind of breakdown. I'm afraid I don't think that means it will all blow over.

How are you doing - are you eating a bit, sleeping?

I’m going to have a different take on this. I read your other thread. In it you said he had mental health problems. But that you are contacting him and telling him to send money to start the divorce. This is exactly the type of thing that will trigger people with MH problems and it will result in an aggressive response before the person retreats further.

It does seem like he needs space to heal. He could do that at home but has decided not to. If you are pushing him on decisions and actions it is the wrong environment and I don’t think you are the right person to support him at the moment because you want commitment and action.

My advice to you is to think about your own MH at present because you are desperately trying to control a situation which isn’t controllable.

If you really want to rebuild a relationship I would say look at the online resources about supporting someone with MH problems. It is very helpful in explaining why you need to avoid directive and questioning language. But without medical and therapeutical support he won’t get any better.

it sounds like you both need space to reflect and then you start to heal. Whether you can do that together and come out stronger is neither certain or uncertain.

@LemonTT this is such helpful advice and has made me think of things from his perspective - I just want to look after him and repair our family, we are all heartbroken. Can I ask, do you have personal experience of a similar situation to mine?

thank you for such lucid advice

I think the other thing to think about could be your preconceptions about what it would be like if you did separate permanently/ divorce. Would it really be the end of the world? Maybe you're actually on the brink of an even better life, one where you're not with someone putting you through loads of stress, who can't decide if they want to be with you etc, rather than on the brink of disaster? You can repair your family and heal the heartbreak without him.

Sorry to hear you couldn’t make it work, at this moment in time, I’m so very much wanting to work it out even though I think it’s impossible

@Ilikepinacoladass possibly very true, but I just miss him and our life so much and DD is starting to miss him too now. He can only see her of a weekend due to their work and uni commitments, but she’s in work all of this weekend so any contact they do have will be fleeting. Surely he must be missing his normal family life that he’s enjoyed for so long?

We were on the edge of separation, instigated by me and DH begged for a second chance if he went to therapy. He was really struggling with childhood abuse, and he didn’t know how to process it all hence he was angry, short tempered and a workaholic. Therapy helped enormously-and I’m so pleased he did it. I have absolutely no doubt we’d be divorced if he hadn’t had that help.

As a pp said, your H sounds like he has mental health issues and may need space and professional help. If you really want to get back together I would imagine the only way is to sit back for a little while and see what happens. (Easier said than done I know!)

I think all the knee-jerk advice to file for divorce immediately is totally misguided. You clearly aren't there yet.

In addition, I wish I could read a break-up thread where people don't always state there is another woman. Sometimes, there really isn't.

I think take a deep breath. Let him have his space, and when things are calmer, revisit the situation. At the moment, nobody is in the right frame of mind to speak.

Concentrate on supporting your daughter and yourself. Like a PP said, look after your MH.

@Tellmeimcrazy this seems really sensible advice thank you - can I ask, have you been in this situation?

Thing is how do you look after your MH when you're being subjected to such horrible upsetting behaviour?

@BlastedPimples I haven't a clue, I'm completely struggling at the moment, feel as though I'm spiralling and just going through the basic functions. I've a counsellor but I just sobbed all the way through last night. I've got a face to face with a MH nurse next week and awaiting CBT. I can't seem to break away from what is the worse situation I've ever encountered

@LizzieSiddal I tried to end things early last year but like your husband, he told me he'd get help etc and we reconciled for a while but then he seems to have spiralled since July/August. He absolutely despises me now and is resolute that we're over. I can't process it at all

I think you look after your mh by taking back control and splitting.

You're being exposed to the same torture every day. Being dangled. Like you're a toy.

It's little wonder you're struggling so badly especially when there appears to be no end in sight.

Any normal person would break down after a while and it sounds like it's been going on for ages.

Why are you allowing this to happen to you?

Even if he decided to reconcile, you'd be full of doubt, worry and anxiety.

You matter. You're worth an awful lot more than this.

@Helpots I’m glad you’ve got help, you’re in shock and need to look after yourself. Take one day at a time and focus on yourself and your Dc.

I agree with this approach - take a moment and look after you. It doesn't sound like he's in a good place and probably needs some help, but that's not your responsibility - especially given how he is treating you.

I've been in a similar boat - during Covid my husbands mental health deteriorated, lots of drinking, gambling and unemployment. The more I tried to help and support our family, the more I ended up in the firing line and at the receiving end of his resentment.

I tired and tried but things just got worse and I filed for divorce and removed myself from the situation - because it took a huge toll on my mental health too. Panic attacks, night terrors etc etc.

I have no regrets, I know I did everything I could to fix things and I didn't deserve the treatment I received.

So my advice would be to take a breather - focus on you and and what you deserve lovely. Be empathetic to his mental health but also remember that Marriage is about support both ways - and you deserve that too.