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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Is it really that unusual?

22 replies

CadburyDream · 15/05/2023 21:07

Every time people hear my ex doesn't have our children over night they seem very shocked. Is it really that unusual? Does anyone else's ex do no overnights and never have? (obviously not referring to those whose exes aren't around) I've never stopped him, its his choice.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 15/05/2023 22:50

Why doesn’t he?
seems odd really

Spiderboy · 15/05/2023 22:56

I don’t know many families that don’t - the only ones I know of, the father has totally disappeared from family life and don’t see their kids at all. I think it is very sad. What a disappointing father

TheFormidableMrsC · 15/05/2023 23:02

My ex-h was not allowed overnights and that was via court order. He proved himself to be a prick. He no longer has contact with our son.

Original poster
CadburyDream · 15/05/2023 23:03

He is happy to not have them overnight and doesn't want to. Never shown any desire to have them overnight at all. His living situation would also make it tricky but really he would just prefer not to.

OP posts:
Flowertight · 15/05/2023 23:07

Of course it’s odd not to parent your children. I’m confused why you think it’s not

Original poster
CadburyDream · 15/05/2023 23:10

You can still have contact and just not over night's just didn't realise it was that unusual as surely there will be situations where its not possible HMO for example. Just wondered if anyone else was in the same situation

OP posts:
febrezeme · 16/05/2023 05:50

My ex husband doesn't have our 3 overnight either - similar in that his living situation would make it difficult but I guess he could go to his parents but he doesn't. He said when he left it would be years before he considered overnights 😳 I don't think he ever will

Hillrunning · 16/05/2023 06:07

People are acting surprised because it is really pathetic parenting to not want to have your children with you overnight. To just 'prefer not to' is shocking. It makes him a terrible parent. They are probably wondering why you aren't more angry about it too and hoping that the children haven't heard either parent talk about it so callously.

notteallyme · 16/05/2023 06:29

There's a difference between circumstances making it difficult to have the children (living in rooms/ sofa surfing because he doesn't have the funds to provide adequate accommodation) to choosing and not being fussed over having the kids overnight.

For me the instant thought is he can't be bothered because it's harder. Why have his sleep disturbed? Why have to provide dinner and breakfast and get the kids to bed etc when he can just be let's go for ice cream / park/ cinema dad?

CurlewKate · 16/05/2023 06:48

And a decent dad would sort something out even if his living conditions weren't ideal. When my brother was living in one room he used to organise a "camp" for his, with a tent made of sheets and blow up mattresses. They still remember it fondly 20 years later!

Choconutty · 16/05/2023 06:58

My ex has done a total of one overnight with each child in the last 3 years - the kids just aren't interested - TBH it just follows on from his disinterest in them when we were together, the idea of dad being actually in charge of looking after them is just to weird an idea for them!

TBH, I could do with a break, but for the kids, it's better that they are realistic about what effort their dad is prepared to put in, rather than hoping for more and being disappointed.

Choconutty · 16/05/2023 07:00

It's a boiled frog thing - I remember taking the kids to school after the split, and suddenly noticing how much more involved the other dads were - I'd just got so used to him swanning in and out (mainly out) of parenting as he felt like that I thought that was normal.

ArcticSkewer · 16/05/2023 07:02

Do the kids want overnight?

Mine are older teens but when we eventually bought separate properties they never showed any interest in overnights. They just hang out in the day/evening then come home. Like most of us do really - do you often do overnights at a friend's or prefer to come home for instance, even if it's really late? A lot of people just like going home.

Their dad just lets them choose, so it's child led not parent led. He's not fussed either way.

SarahSmith2023 · 16/05/2023 07:08

CurlewKate · 16/05/2023 06:48

And a decent dad would sort something out even if his living conditions weren't ideal. When my brother was living in one room he used to organise a "camp" for his, with a tent made of sheets and blow up mattresses. They still remember it fondly 20 years later!

@CurlewKate that's lovely they have such great memories, he must have made it really fun for them.

not all places will allow visitors to stay over (not even or especially not, children)

@CadburyDream it's not actually that unusual,I just think it's something that many women don't mention to others. Part of the embarrassment of choosing such a shit person to be their child's father, though often they don't show how shit they are until it's too late).

milkysmum · 16/05/2023 07:13

Mine don't stay at their dad's. He occasionally takes them for a couple of hours, maybe once a month tops. He's useless, a let down, and I wouldn't want them stopping over night though if I'm honest.

Usernamesarenoteasy · 16/05/2023 08:11

My ex chooses not to have ours overnight. And has chosen to see them a lot less recently.
@Hillrunning you said people are probably wondering why the OP isn't more angry about it, but really, what does getting angry do? I used to feel annoyed with my ex, but the only person it affected was me. It didn't make him want to have the kids, it didn't change the situation at all, and it was getting me down so I made a decision to let it go.

Original poster
CadburyDream · 16/05/2023 09:47

Thanks all, yeah as already said I was angry at the time but it’s been 6 years how long can I keep being angry? It’s not going to affect him and the situation is not going to change so I would be wasting time being angry about something that won’t change. Just wondered if anyone else was in the same situation but as pp said I think most probably just don’t let people know as there is already judgement on this thread towards me as to why he won’t have them, I can’t force him to.

OP posts:
Original poster
CadburyDream · 16/05/2023 09:51

notteallyme · 16/05/2023 06:29

There's a difference between circumstances making it difficult to have the children (living in rooms/ sofa surfing because he doesn't have the funds to provide adequate accommodation) to choosing and not being fussed over having the kids overnight.

For me the instant thought is he can't be bothered because it's harder. Why have his sleep disturbed? Why have to provide dinner and breakfast and get the kids to bed etc when he can just be let's go for ice cream / park/ cinema dad?

Yes I think it’s more this he will have to provide beds, clothes, toys, extra food, gas, electric, have to clean up after them have to deal with mess and noise whereas now he doesn’t have to do any of that he gets to take them out have a nice day and bring them home. I think his living situation is an excuse but tbh I haven’t wanted them to go there because it really isn’t suitable but he won’t change it and I think it’s because he’s happy to not have them overnight so as it stands I would rather them not go there.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 16/05/2023 15:31

CadburyDream · 15/05/2023 21:07

Every time people hear my ex doesn't have our children over night they seem very shocked. Is it really that unusual? Does anyone else's ex do no overnights and never have? (obviously not referring to those whose exes aren't around) I've never stopped him, its his choice.

Mine didn't

EVliving · 16/05/2023 22:07

My ex is a mother and wont have the children over night. Very strange. Most parents would fight for the right to spend time with their children, some whatever sex wont.

Original poster
CadburyDream · 16/05/2023 22:16

I just had a very odd suggestion earlier, someone told me when he brings them back I should refuse to answer the door so that he is forced to have them. 😲 As if I would ever do that, firstly that wouldn't force him, in all honesty he would probably call the police and secondly imagine how upsetting that would be for the children. Can't believe anyone would do that!

OP posts:
mysticmegan · 16/05/2023 22:25

Mine don't any more. Used to but they hated it. It makes things difficult for me in terms of having time to myself but I'm not going to force it. Their dad accepts the situation.

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