What's stalling husband from moving forward with divorce?

[Helpots]

My daily musing as I struggle to come to terms with the end of my marriage.

H left just over 7 weeks ago, depression, MH problems, he's now holed up at his mum's. Doesn't love me, wants a divorce eventually. I've begged, I've tried to reason, I've suggested counselling, all ignored or refused by him, he's adamant it's over. I'm still willing to work at it.

I've therefore put to him that he send me the court fee if he really wants a divorce and I'll file - he hasn't sent it, told me the other week that he's 'not ready for divorce' but it's definitely over.

He's had brief 'free' legal advice (I'm a family lawyer, we don't do free advice, it's a breach of indemnity insurance) but tells me he's not formally instructed anyone. He's wanting mediation for finances, but hasn't made any efforts to make the referral.

He's taken the majority of his belongings.

He's a high earner so could afford to move out of his mums whilst paying towards our home. He tells me he's not thought of moving out from his mums. He's looked at the divorce procedure but hasn't looked into the long term impact of divorce on us and our DD. He got the divorce procedure wrong so I think he's just been googling.

He's cut me off completely, when I do speak with him, he is erratic and manic, screaming verbal abuse at me, there is no rationality to him. He's not the man I married but I still love him, I know he is ill.

Why if he's adamant that it's over, is he not making any efforts to bring it to an end? Anyone else been in this position?

Because his mental illness means he's not capable of dealing with it right now. Have a bit of patience.

I really don't want my marriage to end and the limbo is making me ill and upsetting DD - do you think he's stalling to see if he needs space to actually decide what he wants?

Been here and wasted a year of my life - wish I’d have filed for divorce as soon as he left, but then again we all need a bit of time to process things.

I imagine he’s waiting to see if the grass is greener and if not, he’ll think he can swan back home. I’m sorry to say that there maybe another woman somewhere.

Take control and get the divorce started yourself. Your marriage is over. The sooner you accept that, the better off you and your child will be.

I think 7 weeks is not that long. ‘Stalling’ is a bit strong.

However, I would also caution against the element of control.

I filed for divorce with my exH. He didn’t like it. He has stalled every single step of the way, and it has now been 5 years and he is still controlling the narrative. When we first went to mediation (6 months after we separated, due to his stalling), the mediator told me I needed to be patient, that it can come as a shock, and I needs to give him time. She thought we had recently separated, and was shocked when I said it had already been 6 months.

try to give him some space, it sounds as though he may need to think things through, but do keep an eye on acceptable time frames.

long story short, I am sure you k is there are multiple ways that the process can be dragged out. Try to keep it on track, but ultimately, there little you can do about speeding things up significantly.

if he is the high earner and thr divorce will force you out of the house I would take a minute and let things settle before I called his bluff.

Its not clear to me what ‘mh’ issues are involved. Clinical depression? Anxiety? Schizophrenia? Bipolar? Does the problem arise because he is in an acute phase or because he refuses medication? I don’t mean you need to disclose here but what you think is the issue will help you decide on the proper response.

If it were me I would not put up with it for long. No one screams abuse at me or puts my child through something like this with impunity. Its not part of his treatment plan for him to abuse you. If he no longer has an inkling that this behavior is cruel then he is really gone.

I guess if he's 'erratic, manic and there is no rationality to him' there's no point trying to guess why he's doing what he's doing? All you can control is what you do. If he's clearly said it's definitely over then I wouldn't wait around for him to send court fee just file for divorce? Unless you're hoping he'll change his mind - maybe put a time limit on that otherwise you could waste quite a lot of time!

@Ilikepinacoladass yep I’m stupidly waiting round for him to change his mind despite him making himself abundantly clear. But he was making himself abundantly clear when he was telling me he still loved me leading up to us separating, and he was abundantly clear when he worked on himself at the beginning of last year when I’d had enough of his behaviour and told him I wanted out. He’s messed with my mind basically and I just can’t accept it’s over

It is an understandable way to feel - it took me ages (I’m talking: years) so.. 7 weeks is no time at all.

@Theypickedhim were you the one who left/wanted the divorce? If so, can I ask why it took you years if you knew it was over for you? Just trying to answer the neverending questions in my head

I'm over a year on from my husband leaving for the ow. He moved into his parents' spare room and is still there, despite ow having her own place. He refuses to discuss our finances or divorcing. I'm reluctant to file for divorce without knowing if our ideas of a "fair" financial settlement are similar. He doesn't see our daughters, refuses to communicate with me at all and is still seeing the ow. I have no idea why he refuses to do anything but it's infuriating. He won't even update his twitter bio to remove the "parent, husband" part, that really pisses me off.

7 weeks isn't that long and if he's having MH issues and you don't actually want your marriage to end I'd maybe give it up to 6 months

Try 4 years down the line…..7 weeks is silly expectations