Abuse within the legal system. Any support?

[Chillionice]

Huge advice & support from a post I made on here 2 years ago was fundamental to giving me the strength to recognise and end a 15 year relationship and 11 year marriage to the father of my 3 children. I strongly suspect he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Despite taking every bit of help I can access - private counselling, domestic violence involvement, my own solicitor, huge pastoral support for the children via CAMHS and their school, the legal system is pitted against mothers in my position.
I am stuck on a decree nisi. I am running out of money to fund the financial agreement process. The children (12, 13, 15) live with me and chose to stop their already negligible overnight visits to their father several months ago due to emotionally damaging behaviour on his part. Form E’s have been completed twice by myself but my husband has failed to complete a full version himself. Capital needs have been submitted as monthly costs, bank statements and payslips not supplied. He left his first solicitor, then spent £15k on a barrister. Bullying and aggression is evidenced in almost all of the correspondence I receive from his solicitor.
Offers have been submitted and a FDR hearing is set in 6 weeks time.
I can scrape together enough to get through the FDR but his conduct to date suggests it is likely his revised Form E will be incomplete once again and that he will drag this out to render me financially unable to continue.
I am horrified at the lack of support available to individuals in this situation. It seems to go against everything the legal system ought to represent. It makes an arena where financial abuse can actually be nurtured rather than stamped out.
Are there any resources available to me at this point?
Also, I would like to add my voice to any organisations or campaigns working for reform of the legal system. Are there any?
Whilst coercive control became an offence post 2015 the divorce process, family courts and legal system seem to foster and even provide an environment in which it is encouraged to run rife.

I don’t disagree op.
I went to great lengths to keep my split amicable despite my ex “ unreasonable behaviour” including abuse. I just kept telling myself to accept the continuation of abuse during the split to ensure he declared correctly and we could go through consent order. But I could do that because he wanted the divorce more than me and he hated spending money on solicitors for anything.

with ano man I’d have been wide open to this shit of delay tactics and cover ups. The government has done a lot to simplify the actual divorce process and introduce mediation as a key process if initial consent conversation fails, but that’s it. There should have been contempt of court type punishments for going over a certain time frame limit to complete D81 post interim order etc. the laws around lying on d81 should be upheld- few people get prosecuted even though it is already both fraud and contempt crimes. An automated dissolution of the financial agreement should be made in any cases of lying on d81 that come to light without recourse to high court, and automatic reparation of the entire hidden sum ( not even 50:50) made to the party who was defrauded as a punishment along with court costs and fines for contempt of court

the law doesn’t seem anywhere near strong enough to protect divorcees from financial abuse during this process.

Oh, and I’m not aware of any campaigns..I’d sign up to that too.
as well as the mandatory minimum 26 weeks now for divorce- I was horrified to read that when this was debated in both houses, the issue of what it would do to abusive relationships was thrown out as there were already other laws to protect abused partners like protection or restraining orders . The vast majority of abusive behaviour doesn’t get reported. In my case my ex had severe and enduring mental health diagnosis and stopped his meds. His behaviour was worsening to where it was before diagnosis when it had been abusive - I couldn’t have got a restraining order based on something that hadn’t happened again yet.

my divorce completed in just over 3 months, on unreasonable behaviour grounds. I suspect it went on urgent pile due to me using words like safe guarding and abuse in the reasons. You just can’t do that now. Some people will be left in safeguarding risk for 6 months plus now where spouse refuses to leave house. Yep, I know abused partner could go to shelter- but that is extremely scary, stressful and completely unnecessary if the law hadn’t just imposed this stupid 26 week one size fits all.

Great podcast by Supriya McKenna and Karin Walker on divorcing a narcissist
They also have a book

Thank you! I’ve listened this afternoon. Very, very helpful.

https://www.seethrough.org.uk/

Thanks again. I’d read a few of these but the whole podcast series is a real find. Thank you. Like you profile name - very fitting to this topic….

Just Been through crown court waited 5 years he used one of thd most despicable barristers known for getting rapists murderers off.
He can't pay for his kids but hired this donkey who misrepresented facts. We have to go up against him again.
It's a joke the system patriarchy is alive and well.

Sorry not misrepresented lied through his teeth.

Are you funding it all yourself?

@Chillionice I think you need to reframe the problem here. The issue is not that the courts are unfriendly to abused spouses but rather that you have not been able to convince a court that you have been subject to domestic abuse.

The key to understanding the Family Court is that they have a different understanding and burden of proof for what constitutes domestic abuse compared to organisations like Women's Aid or Refuge. Whereas the most well known charities believe domestic abuse is a "gendered crime," the courts tend to err closer on the side of caution and don't normally follow this approach (not least because it remains a matter of intense debate in academia).

What this means in practice is that whilst the charities are likely to take accusations at face value, the burden of proof for a court is much higher. This is very unlikely to change because unfortunately a lot of people tell lies in Family Court and therefore everything said tends to get taken with a pinch of salt without evidence. In particular, the courts tend to be very wary of aiding and abetting abuse through manipulation of the institution itself or making an unfair decision that will be unpicked on appeal. That's the same whether someone is submitting a Form E or making a serious allegation.

Obviously, the downside is that abusers tend to get away with their behaviour. Unless of course the victim can articulate and evidence the abuse in a way that convinces a judge. The burden of proof is lower in a Family Court but nevertheless there is a standard of evidence to meet.

What I've noticed in your case is that you're paying your own legal fees which indicates that you have not been eligible for legal aid. That also therefore indicates to me that either you earn too much for it or you haven't been able to convince the courts that the abuse is taking place (the solicitors letters from your husband won't help either, there is no way a solicitor would help send an abusive letter, they would be struck off, so I can only assume it is robust rather than abusive).

If you cannot prove abuse, then I would instead focus on his being difficult and prolonging the process. Judges absolutely hate that and might start awarding costs to kick him up the arse. Also, if you can get a clear enough picture of finances you might put together a Calderbank offer?

I funded up to £15k similar issues. Got to FDR. Then I represented myself at final hearing and whilst i didnt get equality i got a much better outcome than what his barrister was pushing for.
Represent yourself and tell the court succinctly in your statement what you want and why it hasnt been agreed at this point. If you are not represented the onus is on his counsell to have all the correct paperwork if they dont they will be ordered to. If they still dont the judge will make a decision on what is there.
You can do this x

Hi, thanks for your detailed response. It’s actually only a Financial Agreement I am seeking, no child care orders. It’s the fact that that process alone - which should only be regarded and conducted as a business transaction, ending of the marital contract - can be so heavily manipulated and bullying tactics deployed.
Had my husband taken me to the Family Courts for a child care order or if indeed he does, my local domestic violence charity has already agreed I meet the criteria for legal aid irrespective of income. I will take your advice though and attempt to draw attention the the delaying and diversionary tactics my husband has been using in the hope the Judge will see the detrimental effect this is having on the children and my ability to support them financially.

Unfortunately the law of England and Wales is adversarial if it has to go to court. What looks like manipulation and bullying is probably in fact his solicitor trying to get him the best deal possible (which is nonetheless going to be unpleasant for you). If he has legal representation they would not be able to continue with him as a client if what he was doing was unethical (unless they do need reporting to the SRA of course!).

I would also exercise caution in what local domestic violence charities advise you (because I don't know the facts of your case). The charities are excellent at providing support and counselling but their standard of what constitutes domestic abuse and also what is adequate evidence is typically much, much lower than a court's. A solicitor will be much better able to tell you if you qualify so make sure you get a legal opinion.

How are you doing @Chillionice ?

Hi, thanks for asking. My court hearing was a month ago. Extremely unpleasant as expected but did result in a favourable outcome for the children and I. There is a 3 month window in which stipulations ordered are to be carried out which my ex is being as irrational and controlling over as he has throughout. At present, £10’s of thousands of pounds ordered to the children & I sits in his solicitor’s bank account. This is being withheld despite the fact we are in dire need, entitled and have had no access to marital funds for 12 months. They are withholding with varying, ever changing demands not included in the court order. My solicitor addressing and about to the threaten/implement pursuit of an emergency financial order ordering release of funds. This will take 2-3 weeks at best. Not only are we struggling hugely financially but re-mortgaging is underway which I cannot do without access to these funds. Blatant financial abuse once again permitted in the legal system. He is still forcing up my legal costs unnecessarily, jeopardising my ability to secure the home for the children and restricting my financial decision making. Only 8/9 more weeks to go but still a very rocky road to travel.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. If you're looking for more resources see if this might help https://www.iamlip.com/ it takes you through the entire process for free. I used it when I couldn't afford a solicitor and I was getting rolled over by courts. They were awful and so were my expartner and his team but the courts did nothing about it and I had no idea what to do. But this really helped me figure out what to do. Hope this can help xx

https://takeaction.womensaid.org.uk/sign-mel-bs-open-letter-demanding-justice-and-safety-family-courts

https://www.yorkshireeveningpost.co.uk/news/people/spice-girl-mel-b-spice-girl-demands-primary-custody-of-daughter-ex-husband-stephen-belafonte-4140948

y

Thank you. I have signed. I have also contacted the legal ombudsmen regarding my treatment throughout financial agreement and will be attempting to lodge a complaint with the SRA evidencing the misconduct by my ex-husbands solicitors, Forbes. Whether they will accept as it is a third party complaint is another matter. I see post separation coercive control via economic abuse became a criminal offence April 2023. My ex-husbands solicitor blatantly acted as a vehicle through which this could be delivered. If a redacted copy of my complaint could be posted anywhere to attract any media support, please anyone advise!

I understand your frustrations.

I’m currently in the same process. Financially, the system seems against the weaker financial partner. I can understand why some women stay in toxic relationships & give up. The system fails to support or see the human element for the wronged party. It’s meant to remain impartial, however the lack of consequences for lying & manipulating the legal documents is beyond me.

I’m equally shocked by the UK courts inability to hold my stbx accountable for the constant delays as he’s gone through 2 solicitors, failed to comply & his Form E is a work of fiction. He’s now managed to find rental incomes & his NHS pension and many other businesses. He’s meant to be a professional dentist & owns a private dental business! Also a covert narcissist!

My solicitors have served multiple penal notices, still avoided engaging. However, he’s now he’s representing himself: bought himself a Family Law 2023 book at the recent FDR. 🤦🏽‍♀️ However, the judge saw through this latest tactic. I may have to do the same.

He was advised recently, by the judge that my legal team can enforce the committal order, if he fails to comply. This was mentioned 3 times, as he deliberately acted confused. I was awarded costs of £3k for the failed FDR hearing. He was claiming he’s broke, he’s managed 7 hols in a year, remarried & syphoned monies to all & sundry! Now blaming he’s been the victim of fraud & extortion. It’s shocking, however I’m rarely phased by the absurdity of it all. I expect it.

I’ve now put in MPS application as I’ve financially depleted my finances as he stole all the monies from our joint account! I hope to be back to court in September.

He’s also failing to pay CMS for the children he’s abandoned. However, they are pursuing this matter. You can’t declare you earn £21k in self assessment & drive a Porsche Cayenne (payments are £1150 a month!) it’s a joke! His times coming!

I do feel there needs to be more consequences for people like our stbxs. Also more financial help & support. As legal aid solicitors local to me are not equipped to handle the complexities of these narcissistic people.

Good luck to us all!

Hi sibi,

I’ve submitted a misconduct complaint against my ex’s solicitor to the Soliciotor Regulation Authority. This evidences the post separation coercive control they have delivered via witholding funds and issuing abusive letters with no legal relevance. I have asked the SRA to investigate citing the addition of post seperation CC to the domestic abuse act as of April 2023 and demonstrating how the solicitor has breached their principles of acting independently, upholding ethics whilst delivering harm to vulnerable persons/children. I’ll post on here with delight if they uphold it!!! Good luck with your nightmare.

No its not the patriarchy, men are as open to this ongoing abuse as women- basically anyone married to a narcissist who wants out is unprotected. Some women are narcissistic too.

There needs to be some campaign and letters going to mps as its totally unfair that people go through this.

There should be severe financial penalties for people of either sex who drag things out rather than focusing on reasonable agreements. Its all about power and control and the continuation of abuse long after the relationship has ended.

Good for you for taking a stand. Best of luck

How’s it going @Chillionice did you get any response yet?

Not yet. They have 10 more working days within which to respond. I’ll keep you posted. I take everyday I don’t hear as a good sign! If they don’t uphold, I will got to MP for safeguarding Sarah Dinas.

Do keep us posted. I am also considering taking things further but apparently can’t until the case is resolved which it won’t be for a very long time.