Ducks need lining up orderly. Advice needed

[Imahumangetmeoutofhere]

hi. I’ve NC for this for obvious reasons.

I think I want to divorce DH. Together 18 years. 2DC. I’m early 50s.

There are two things that petrify me an d are holding me back. I’m hoping you can advise lovely MNetters.

1. I am scared I’ll be labelled the bad one. DH has been verbally aggressive and on a handful of occasions mildly physically aggressive (snatching things, shoved me out of the way once). He has quite a temper when his feelings are hurt. To the outside world he does loads round the house, loads of childcare, is in a caring part time job that he’s good at, is sociable, kind and funny. He can turn on the ‘happy’ with others like a switch. He’s the perfect man from the outside. Because I’m so ground down, exhausted by working long hours as the main breadwinner, exhausted by the emotional turbulence at home, I don’t socialise as much, I often look miserable, I’ve snapped at him in public. That’s not the usual me. I’m so low at the minute.

If you've been through similar, How have you dealt with this? I don’t want to go around slagging him off but also it hurts so much that I’ll be seen as bad (and foolish) for leaving such a ‘good man’. Believe me he will play that card well. If you met him you’d NEVER guess what he can be like behind closed doors.

-2 I am the main earner. He’s always been self employed. It’s only recently he’s truly started to pull his weight domestically but I’m guessing he will be seen as having not been able to earn due to childcare/domestic stuff. The reality is I carried the lot until very recently. It’s complicated. My fear is that he will get half my pension (he has none) for life. If so then my quality of life will be very poor as my pension isn’t huge.

How does this work. Does he get half my pension? For life? I’m totally green in such matters.

1. your friends and those who matter will believe you. If they don’t believe you then they should not matter. I was in your situation and read Divorcing a Narcissist the Lure the Loss and the Law. This book describes my ex perfectly and he sounds very much like yours. It’s all about the outside persona and appearance while it’s a very different story behind closed doors. This is how they keep you trapped. The relief of getting rid of him was immense.
2. sadly he probably is entitled to a share of your pension, however it will be weighed up against needs and other assets. You need to take legal advice. Lots of solicitors offer a free of fixed fee initial session. Go in armed with everything you have in terms of both of your income and assets. The DCs needs will also be taken into account if they are living at home, depending on who they will be living with.

No one will be able to telll you if he’ll get half

however, you have a long marriage and all assets will be in the pot to split regardless of who earned them - inc your pension

how they’ll be split will depend on many factors

You should see a solicitor for some initisl
advice

Thank you both.

I will get that book. Thanks for the tip.
it’s so hard thinking that people will think I’m horrible. I keep getting the urge to tell people what he’s really like but that seems so petty. And I’m ashamed. If you met me IRL you’d never guess I could be so weak. I should have ended it years ago.

If all assets are in the pot would that include money given by his parents towards the house? That would help but without that and half of my income I’m screwed.

Sometimes gift money is ringfenced, it depends on the terms they gave it under how long ago etc

50:50 is the starting point, but he will be expected to get a full time job and a pension.

If you sold you home, downsized had your state pension and work place pension or half of it would that not be enough funds to live on?

Can I ask what you both agreed re him not having a pension? Was there a plan?

How old is he? Has he got time to start saving into a pension

Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft - brilliant on the men who appear so great from the outside, not so great if you're inside the relationship.

I'd lay money on you discovering that several people close to you have had their suspicions over the years, there's always signs if you're very attuned to these things.

With regards to his family contribution, if there was nothing in writing at the time to say it should be ring fenced then it’s a matrimonial asset.

I don’t believe it matters too much what he has done income-wise, it’s his income capacity which matters. Does he have tax returns showing a decent income? How many years? All of this will be taken into account.

When I phoned womens aid the first time and said no one would believe me in real life he's mr charming and charismatic and I'm not - they said they all are you'd be surprised how many pillar of the community people we hear about.

I kept a dignified silence to all but a very few closest friends. It's been hard being judged (he has spread lots of lies about me) and a few close friends who don't know but have judged have hurt a lot to lose. Inside I'm screaming if only you knew! But I didn't want to play the no win game of public opinion, especially with kids, and I'm glad I have kept my head held high however hard it has been at times. The more prepared you are for these scenarios the better able you are to deal with them when they arise. And you'll surprise yourself with how strong you are - you are stronger than you think.

Just looked at the Divorcing a Narcissist and the second description of NPD fits perfectly, as do the childhood experiences that create it.

From the Ludy B book he fits Mr Sensitive profile.

The financial situation is complicated and if I explain too much it might be identifiable. He’s contributed a couple of large lump sums. He’s then contributed a very small percentage of our monthly income.

Whatever money you lose will be worth it op......the peace and lack of stress/atmosphere is worth every penny💐

timetogoooo

Thank you for sharing that. I hope I can be as dignified as that. I’m glad you are ok.

I need to get clear on finances and then get legal advice I think. I can then work out what I can afford to buy if I’m on my own. I’m just worried I’ll be working til I’m 80!

Mossstitch

My shoulders drop when he leaves and then spring up again when I know he’s coming back. I think you are right. Even if I take a massive hit in standard of living, the peace will be lovely.

Yes it would. This just happened to someone I know. Parents gave a six figure sum towards the house, but as it was over five years ago it wasn’t taken into account when making the financial order. I’d imagine they were furious!
He will, of course, demand 50/50 residence of children so he doesn’t have to pay maintenance.
It is well worth getting the legal bit properly tied down. See it as an investment in your future and get the best legal advice to can afford.
I wouldn’t worry what other people think. They’ll notice the change in you once you’re free of him and figure it out for themselves.

I'm in the final stages of divorcing my alcoholic narc exh of 30 years. I'll be taking a hit financially but honestly the feeling of freedom is absolutely priceless. Pay for good advice and it will save you money in the long run

I’m interested to hear more about this gift and it being more than five years ago. I had no idea this was relevant. I’m in the same situation with a gift from my parents and we are heading to FDR. Is the idea that if the gift is recent, it can be recouped?

It’s not that it can be recouped
the argument will be around was it a gift to one party vs the famiily
if 10 years ago, used in family finances, intermingled in a house purchase etc, v difficult to retrospectively argue it was for one party only

usually unless specific paper trail ring fencing it to a specific person it’s hard to set it aside , especially if both parties needs cannot be met without it’s inclusion

Thanks @millymollymoomoo (I apologise to OP for hi jacking the thread). Mine was recent, just 18 months pregnant separation and there was an agreement which was signed to say the money was ring fenced. I’m looking forward to see what the judge has to say about it!

Good luck op.

When I split from exH I had similar concerns about people thinking I was the awful one. But actually it hasn’t been like that at all. A lot of people have told me how much they disliked him/ mentioned things they had quietly noticed/suspected but never said that before. Tbh I think he has slagged me off to some of the football parents but honestly nothing like what I expected and there were just a couple of dads that gave me a slightly cold shoulder, but as time goes on and I don’t say anything publicly critical about him at all, I think their opinions have probably changed.

On the money side of things, have faith, it will all work out. Whatever you lose in £ you will gain in joy. And you will have the energy to do something about your situation. I’ve just got a much better paid job because I’ve had the headspace to improve my career without having to deal with the daily shite I always had before.

Use the ADVICE NOW” link above in the header.
they have great guides to download to explain all the parts of process including “fair settlement “ legal rules about financial settlements.
that’ll resolve you being “green” and help you emotionally come to terms with likely outcomes, and visualise you’re future. IMHE I couldn’t make the final call until I could clearly, and more positively, visualise my future post divorce including basic things about my financial situation.
pThe guides saved me months and £1000s in our settlement. We did it by consent without much solicitor involvement and amicably. It wasn’t easy , he could be abusive at times, but I was able to negotiate with clear knowledge of what my likely fair settlem ent outcome would be. I did keep my pension, but it was in lieu of other things…but we were already retired and that makes a difference when your pension is your only income,