Hello
Im sorry for the extremely long post, it was of course meant to be short and to the point :)
So my ex husband and I divorced 5 years ago- he remarried a few years back and has a new baby. I remarried last summer but have continued to live separately from my husband as I can't quite summon the courage to change the kids lives (now 7&9)- (my husband lives 1 1/2 hours away with his own small business so he cannot move) however, I am now really struggling as effectively i am living as single mum- I am the primary carer and they see their father every alternate weekend and we share the holidays.
Without going into too much detail, I don't have great relationship with their father, he's always been controlling and what I now know, emotionally abusive, towards me which continues to this day- He pays monthly maintenance, an amount agreed through solicitors in our court order but refused to contribute towards childcare costs (he has always been on a very high salary)or being primary contact at school if they are ever ill.
I'm just looking on advice on the best way to agree to me relocating with the kids. I know he would never want them 50:50, he calls them once a week and after 10 minutes he starts trying to wind down the conversation with the kids saying he has to go to the gym. He has never once come to take them out mid week despite living 20 minutes away and saying in his summary message of our childrens agreement that he would- but at the same time i have to tiptoe around him knowing him well in that whatever plans i have, he always makes things difficult for me.
The final straw was when my son was in hospital after spending 10 hours in A&E and we had to stay overnight, i asked him if he could keep our daughter as it was an emergency and he replied with a very abusive voice message, (swearing and ranting how i wanted the divorce so now deal with living like a single mum) and saying he has commitments and find someone else and where is my husband- when the kids are with me they are my responsibility so deal with it.
Perhaps this is true objectively but i guess in an emergency i felt he could help as my daughter was very scared and tired and wanted her dad, not to stay with relatives.
So its clear now that I cannot stay living separately from my husband as i also need the emotional support and help with the kids but I am dreading telling him as I don't know how he will react. The kids get on well with their step dad- i floated the idea past them very casually just to gauge their reaction and they seemed excited about a possible change though tbh, I'm worried their father may try to dampen that once he finds out- he fills my daughters ears a lot and she is very sensitive and impressionable, my son is the complete opposite and doesn't give a hoot! Kids both love dad and happy to be with him.
- For him, the only thing that would change would be that instead of keeping them Fri-Sunday nights on his weekends, I would ask that he keep them 2 nights instead (which is what he actually wanted originally before i restarted work) and have them back on Sunday afternoon. Im aware this impacts his nights so I would offer that he can increase his split of holidays over the year to make up for it.
2)I would offer to drop the kids half way for him to pick up and drop off - this would be approx 45 minutes for his journey time.
Does this sound reasonable? I would love to hear from anyone who has experience in relocating and any key issues i have missed.
I know inside he would be happy to get an extra night free from the kids, but would never show it for the record. I have always offered if he wants to see the kids ad hoc on special occasions and he has always declined- he sends his schedule for when he's taking the kids for the year and every Bank holiday he makes sure it doesn't fall on his weekend by simply taking consecutive weekend after half terms to avoid long weekends with them. I can give many e.gs as to why i know he's not genuine but he's very good at playing the involved dad when it comes to questioning me- why are kids ill, why are they allowed to have coke on holiday as a treat etc..