DD heartbroken at the idea of moving

[poppanicolino]

DD has just turned 13.
We’ve been living with DP for just over four years, and for the vast majority of that time she’s been cross with me for moving her away from our old home where it had always just been me and her. She has little contact with her dad.

Over the last six months things have really changed between me and DP. There’s no love anymore and we’ve just been co-existing, so we’ve agreed to move on and go our separate ways. The problem is that it’s his house, so DD and I are the ones who need to move out.

It turns out that she’s now decided she loves the house and the area we live in, and is devastated at the idea of having to move somewhere else. She’s also heartbroken at the idea of not having our two dogs all the time (we haven’t worked out how we’ll manage that bit, but DP works from home and so always has them during the day. There’s no way I can have them all the time because of work)

I’ve told her I don’t want to move far from our current area, but she also realises that I’m limited with what I can afford to buy, which is nothing in our immediate vicinity.

She and DP have a bit of a love/hate relationship at times, particularly now hormones are coming into play, and there have been plenty of times when she’s confessed to me that she hates him and wishes we didn’t live with him. Since we’ve agreed to separate, it feels like a weight has been lifted from the house and both he and I are far more relaxed. We actually had a pleasant evening last night with the three of us in the kitchen chatting easily and eating together. DD said later (through her tears) that it was wonderful and why couldn’t it just stay like that.

My plan for supporting her is basically to listen, validate, reassure her and organise some counselling (this bit won’t be easy as she’s really choosy about new people, so finding the right person with availability will be challenging)

Is there anything else that will help? Are there any books or podcasts out there that will help support her? I’m big on honesty, but she knows I’m not prepared to divulge the personal reasons for the breakdown in the relationship, so she doesn’t fully understand why it has to end.

Any words of wisdom will be hugely appreciated.

Going forward don’t let your daughters housing security be dependent on who you’re shagging.

Since you are already there you just have to ride it out. Sort out a home for your kid and don’t leave it for your next squeeze unless your kid has moved out!

Listening and validating and reassuring doesn't provide her with stability unfortunately. I would say you need to arrange somewhere of your own and not uproot her again in her teenage years. I bet she feels incredibly unsettled, having moved at 11, now moving again at 13.

It also must be really confusing that you're still having family time with your ex!

I think, at 13, she is owed an appropriately full explanation of the reasons it’s ending so she can process everything fully.

Hormones will be playing a part for sure, but I don’t think it’s fair to dismiss her feelings just due to that. She’s clearly dealt with a lot including feeling that her mum has chosen her relationship with a partner over her (doesn’t mean it’s true, but she will have felt ignored if she’s been crying about hating him).

Moving forward you need a place that’s secure for the rest of her teens. Somewhere she knows is just you and her. You are absolutely entitled to a personal life but she will need some security for a few years now. Reassure her the next place is just her and you.

OP, it is important that your daughter's stability not be tied to your love life.

I'd focus on how things will be the same as much as possible. The same furniture in her room, the same.....whatever. Hopefully you are going to live where she can go to the same school.