Can't stop ruminating following separation

[Helpots]

Apologies that I'm posting on here quite a lot but just trying to find answers and possibly help myself.

H left me 6 weeks ago today and my mental health has nosedived. I am seeing a counsellor, I have professional MH support and awaiting CBT

I've been told my my GP that I have reactive depression

My problem is that I am ruminating about him and our marriage constantly. From the second I wake up to the second I go to sleep and then even in my dreams. I am exhausted with it - I'm flipping between analysing why this has happened, intrusive happy memories and then wondering whether he'll come back even though he's made it clear that he isn't.

I can't stop talking about the situation constantly to anyone I come into contact with. My 20 year old DD is sick of me.

Is this normal? Even when I try to distract myself it's there in the back of my mind. And if it is normal, how long does this last for?

If it isn't normal, what should/can I do?

Completely normal, your emotional system and consequently your physical system has been triggered making it so hard to switch off. You are doing the right things with your mental health. Maybe just try and allow your DD to not be part of dealing with your emotions, as despite her age it will be conflicting. Stick to less involved people and maybe write things down as an outlet. Time helps, but it’s not a set period. You will get to a point where you can see the wood for the trees-honestly, you will. You may end up thinking this is the best possible thing that could have happened-lots of us do! Take care of yourself

Unfortunate has said some very wise things. It’s like grieving and is a process you just have to go through. Talk to anyone you feel can share your feelings, but try and not overwhelm your DD. I know this because I’m in the same situation re my Dd.

Try journaling as suggested. I’d also read up on anything and everything you can on your particular situation. Use mumsnet as therapy.

You will gradually come to accept he isn’t coming back, and with that your memories will begin to shift and you will start remembering the not so happy times. Then you will catch yourself in moments enjoying doing something that you didn’t do before because he was there, and didn’t like it.

You will flip back and forth. You will progress and regress. Sometimes you will need to go with the flow and let the emotions and feelings wash over you and at other times you will need to stamp them out.

Try to enjoy or at least notice the small moments of joy or calm. Incorporate more of the things that make you feel like that into your life.

As time progresses things will get easier. My therapist recommended ACT Acceptance and Commitment Theory. Each time you have to act or say something, you imagine the strong woman you want to become and do or say what that woman would do.

Take care.

Hello @Helpots I have just gone through separation and got my divorce last month. While it was me who initiated it, it still got me really hard. My physical and mental health was in tatters and honestly I thought I was going to die. I decided to do just about everything people say you should do and see how it goes. I started meditating, going to yoga classes, socializing as much as possible, posting here on MN and although I am not at all religious I started reading bible, every night before going to sleep. I started all this just before I told my ex that I wanted to separate and it has been three years now. I am still doing it and I strongly believe that it saved my life. Of course, maybe I would have gotten through it eventually even if I was not doing anything, I would never know. Please try not to talk to your daughter at all because this may cause an irreversible damage on her psyche, her relationship with you and her father. Try to act normal and strong around her. Hang in there, you can do this and keep posting!💕

@Isheabastard thank you for your kind words, a lot of it makes sense. I actually got him to agree to meet up with me yesterday and we had the most amicable chat we’d had in months. He seems to be erring on the side of wanting this to be permanent, but also told me he wasn’t happy, hasn’t made any plans to move forward and when I asked him if he missed me, he refused to answer, saying not prepared to answer that as he didn’t want me to think he was coming back. To my mind, this is an indication that he misses me, I’m still ruminating but my talk with him has helped

Apologies @iamenough2023 , I thought I’d replied yesterday

can I ask why you initiated the divorce? I think that I’m going to have to initiate mine even though I don’t want to - were you in that situation?

i’m doing a lot of the same things you’re doing re. Meditation, reading etc.

my physical and emotional health is in bits too, and at times, I’ve wanted to die but I can’t because it would harm so many peoples’ lives, my DD in particular.

thank you for your insightful post, it is very much appreciated x