Do I have to let STBXH INTO MY home?

[redshifter]

STBXH left our jointly owned property in November 2019.
I came home from work and he was gone. No contact. I didn't know where he was.
I thought he might have gone back to the country he was originally from. I found out 8 months later he had gone to live in Manchester where he has family. I am in London.

6 months after he left I received quite aggressive texts, demanding money for half the value of items in the house (TV, white goods, furniture, bed etc.).
I replied that I didn't have the money to pay him but he was welcome to come and collect some of the items. He did not reply.. Some months later he messaged me saying a friend would be around to collect a laptop and some paperwork he needed. I cooperated with this and gave them to his friend. Since then there has been no contact until divorce proceedings started in April 2022.
Divorce is still going on and will probably drag on for a few more months.

On Friday evening (28/4) I opened an email from his solicitor wanting to know a date when he can come and collect his belongings. If don't agree on a date he will come when it suits him.
I really don't want him coming into my home. He was abusive in many ways and the thought of him coming in, probably with friends or family, is worrying and frightening me. I can imagine him going through my home and demanding stuff that is mine or jointly bought.
I have replaced some bed, microwave, washing machine, fridge, freezer, garden furniture as they were broken or not working. A few months ago I took some of his clothes, shoes, books to a charity shop as I needed to clear out as about to sell property. Perhaps this was wrong to do this but it has been 3 1/2 years.
There is still some of his personal stuff here (guitars, books, some clothing, bedding etc.) Would I be able to say I will leave them in the the shed or with a neighbour on a certain date? What are my rights here? I know it is his property too but it is my home.

I emailed my solicitor this morning but received an automated replied saying she would be out of the office for a week. I will definitely ask her when she is back but I am feeling extremely worried and stressed about it all. Can anyone tell me what my rights are in the meantime?

Have you changed the locks ?

He still owns that property with you , if I understand correctly?
He may be verbally intimidating but it's not clear you have grounds to say he poses a physical threat.

Stuff you acquired after his departure might be a grey area of ownership if you used joint money to purchase it, iyswim.

He sounds so disorganised that I wouldn't view that soclitor's letter as having a lot of validity, wrt his actual intentions.

Friend's almost-ex-H collected his possessions from us... friend brought them around & the almost-ex collected them from here. Prevented him going near the former marital home (very acrimonious split).

Do you have any mutual friends, someone who could be at the house when you're out, vouch that he did no damage or snooping?

If you jointly own your home and are not yet divorced, yes of course you do have to let him into your home, it belongs to you both!
Honestly I’ve got this with my stbex. He’s locked me out of our jointly owned home, it’s extremely distressing and I can’t collect any of my stuff.
My solicitor has encouraged me to get a locksmith to let me in, so I collect my stuff.

I’d make a list of what you have replaced since he left abs send it to his solicitor, stating when you purchased the items. That way, your ex can’t claim that he didn’t realize they were purchased after he left.

He can't just wander in, he needs to ask permission (like a vampire), even as a joint owner. Once you leave you don't have the same rights. When my ex husband left, he thought he could come and go as he liked, until he got the legal paperwork that very clearly says he can't, at this point he gave his key back.

If you refuse entry completely he can go down the legal route to gain entry.

No matter how difficult it is you will have to give him access. He co owns the property and contents in the property.

Ask him for details of the personal items he wants to remove. Then offer to negotiate on the joint items he thinks he has a claim to.

Storing his possessions in the shed is fine if it is safe and secure. But he may still want access into the house to get other things.

At the end of the day, divorce means you will have to agree or be told how to split up your joint marital possessions. Neither of you will have full control of the process or outcome. Learning to compromise and gritting your teeth is unavoidable. Otherwise you face an emotionally fraught, expensive and long process that will force you to compromise and grit your teeth.

Agree a date that he can come to collect his belongings, and do it via the solicitor. Ideally, (check with your solicitor) make it clear what belongings he plans to take so that any negotiating eg bed vs couch or whatever, is done in advance and agreed in writing.

On the day, either leave a trusted friend/family member there to manage the process with him (with a list) or you do it but have a trusted friend/family member there to support you.

Keep it official and practical and breathe a sigh of relief when he's gone.

Hi
Thanks for your replies.
I have changed the locks.
He does still own the property jointly with me but it is not his home now. He surely can't just come and go when he pleases.

He can get physical but I have no evidence of this.
If I had a friend with me me he wouldn't get physical but I would still dread him coming in.
I will get a friend to be with me if I can. Does it have to be a mutual friend?
I can't think of one.
Perhaps our long term neighbour who is friendly with us both?

Yes he is very disorganised and often tells his solicitors made up things which are found out after but has made the divorce more complicated.
I definitely want him to collect things that are his. I imagine he will argue what are his though.
I can't imagine him wanting the furniture and curtains he got from a charity shop or the 7 year old TV he bought new but I can see him taking it all just to annoy me.

Good idea. I will make a list of all the things I have replaced.

I am hoping he can just give me a list of everything he wants. Then I can have them ready at the door or leave them in shed and garage or with neighbour.

I am willing to compromise and give him more than his share I just want it over with.
House will be sold probably before the the divorce is finished but I won't have access to the proceeds to divorce finalised. So I will be lodging with a friend and won't be able to take a lot of stuff with me. Will have to get rid or put in storage.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and advice, it has put it in perspective for me.
I was getting worried too much.
I will definitely discuss with my solicitor when she is back.

Yes - get a list from him (via his solicitor) of all the things he wants to take so that you can gather them up and it's less disruptive when he arrives.

And no, the friend does not have to be a mutual friend. In fact, I'd suggest it should be someone who is there just for you - a family member or someone who is 100% on your side. You're not trying to make it easier for him. You're protecting yourself from him.

You are not meant to change the locks but you might want to consider taking out an injunction against him (non-molestation order)

Sadly for my ex he lost the key to the house when he left, I never stopped him from knocking on the door and letting him in until we were divorced

arranging a date with him would surely be the easiest for him to collect his stuff

Sadly it’s his house and he has rights to enter. Doesn’t matter it’s your home. If you’ve previously logged any DV incidences with police you might be able to get an order to prevent him though

absolutely have someone, or a whole possie of folks, there to support you. Nope it doesn’t matter if he hates them. But do try to get some one who is at least a bit remote from your close friends/family as well as your 20 stone brother 😉

can you move your things ,that you’ve bought since you split out for the day and anything else you know is yours that he could get arsey about ? Out of sight it’ll be out of his mind

Alternatively, you could try putting a lock on just your bedroom door to prevent him going in their (saying it is your personal space even if he’d not moved out) and moving stuff into it- but he could demand access.

a good idea is to tell him to prepare an inventory of items ahead and send to you saying that anything you both want to keep needs to be resolved ahead so you aren’t arguing inside the house and he is able to complete the task with least possible stress . You’d also be very wise to inform him ahead you’ve disposed of some items - be prepared that’ll he’ll ask you to pay for the, as you really shouldn’t have done that without offering the, to him first. If you did offer to him and he ignored you’re covered and it’s tough titties to him

My divorce was very acrimonious. He wanted to collect his stuff, I didn't. In the end he had to list his stuff and the court order stated that I paid for a man with a van and I sent his stuff on a stated day. This was what I argued for, I didn't want him anywhere near my home.

it is his house, you cant prevent him entering - he is entitled to smash the door down if he wants - it is his door