Husband is living with me whilst we have split up

[Lonelyunwife]

We've got 3 kids.

We're gonna have to sort out the back room as his bedroom because he cant be coming into our bedroom getting his personal things clothes etc.

So as we've separated yesterday (i asked for a divorce). We both know that he cannot move out as cant afford it.

So after 22 yrs together, what have gotta stop doing for him. Not to cook for him, wash his clothes.... so its basically everything that ive done for him? What about maintenance? Also take him off car insurance? (Prob yes)

Anything else?

It feels weird with everything. We havent told the kids yet

And i know ive gotta get in touch with the meditator. We had a sort of talk with argument in between last night about our house and kids

Oh OP I am sorry.

If I'm honest what you've said isn't sustainable. You're going to go on a roller coaster of emotions, as will your children, and you will all need space in order to get through it.

Sacrifices are going to have to be made unfortunately in order for him or you to move out.

Your children will be in the middle of this otherwise.

I really hope you're ok.

I really wouldn't have been able to live like that OP for any length of time and I don't think it's healthy necessarily for the children.

But in the short term - If this is what you are set on - you've got to live like you are in a shared house of sorts - separate cooking / cleaning / washing / ironing. Depending on how amicable you are do a rota for use of shared space. How will you continue to parent together? Will you all sit in the lounge as a family in the evening or for Sunday meals?? Set clear boundaries. Start separating finances so you have your own bank accounts. Agree on who pays what of shared subscriptions? Or cancel them. Do you have just the one car or do you both have one? We only have one (and he won't be getting his own for a long time) so TBH I've left him on the insurance as 1 - it makes it cheaper and 2 - if there is an emergency

Maintenance? As in child maintenance? Well you are all still living together and presumably him covering his share of the bills won't change whilst he's there so I can't see CMS would be due?

You don't always need a mediator if you are able to come to an agreement yourselves

Op you can't sustain this for long. It's hell. I moved into my parents at weekends to ease the atmosphere but it was awful for the dc. Survived 6 months and it was dreadful. I cooked for me and the kids and often sad, "made a chilli (eg) there's some left if you want it." I carried on doing all food shopping but no alcohol. That had to be purchased from our own accounts. He drank a lot. He stopped doing all jobs he would have done before like car washing, garden etc. I just paid for the odd car wash. We both did a bit of cleaning when the other wasn't there. I carried on chucking joint loads of laundry in as I don't really see the point in making extra loads.

In the olden days when you needed to prove two years' separation (because you didn't want to go the 'unreasonable behaviour route) it might have been important to prove you were 'separated' even though you lived under the same roof - but XDH and I just both agreed the separation date and nobody checked. I believe that in these days of no fault divorce it really isn't an issue so just do what works for both of you.

What is important is that you show your children you are able to be civilised and you both still love them; and that you work out an agreement on future arrangements/money etc when you do split up so yes get on with mediation. Keep the rows away from the kids.

But I agree with everyone above - get away as much as you can, and make it as short as you can. It's not a good time.

From a post perspective on this. I divorced my husband of over 20 years for unreasonable behaviour, ( I know this goes not apply now), we lived together for 16 months with dc's, post me telling him it was over. It was hell. He refused to leave the bedroom and I ended up sleeping squashed on the floor with no mattress in the box room as there was not room for a bed. I took some clothes from the bedroom dependant on the season and swapped them around as necessary.

Having experienced that I really suggest either he finds a way to move out or you do. It far from a good atmosphere for you or him or the dc.

We continued to share the car until he moved out as we only had one. We were still not divorced until 18 months or so after he left. It dragged on forever.

It really does have lasting consequences for your children staying in one home while the divorce is taking place.

I'm still having to do this, 9 months after I told H I wanted a divorce we are still in the same house but this is a fairly large house and our children are young adults. I've just applied for what used to be the decree Nisi (can't remember what it's called now). Prior to this he'd lived downstairs by choice, refusing to have meals with us etc so little has changed. He's got a big downstairs reception room with his own TV desk bed and storage, set up like a bed sitting room, downstairs loo, does his own washing, cooks for himself sometimes and we share the kitchen. We keep a joint account for bills and share both cars. We're not arguing all the time by any means, in fact it's a bit calmer but its draining - I never want to come home really, dread the key in the door etc. I honestly don't see any other way till we can sell (no offers in a dead market).

If you really think you can keep it calm for the kids then by all means try it for a while.

Unfortunately this is common as where there is just 1 family home someone would be bats to move out prior to legal financial agreement at least being drafted, signed and ready to seal by courts at decree final. All solicitors will advise this and you can’t make someone move out. If you can work through it amicably and get your consent order and custody orders sorted well in advance (even if not yet legally sealed) then sometimes one person can feel confident to make move, particularly if funds are split immediately rather than eating for the consent order to sealed legally

There is a list given on Gov web site or google other sites. You must , critically, separate your Finances immediately. Then not do any domestic and emotional labour for each other and avoid sharing spaces whenever possible. In practice it rarely makes sense or practicality to stop sharing space - we took approach of sharing spaces like house mates would. Giving each other space whenever feasible (we could have separate bedrooms) , checking in about who wanted to watch Tv where but occasion sitting togther as watching same thing. But then our kids were grown up and left home (30 year marriage) so we had both space and no requirement to manage kids in that messy situation.

clearly if you have kids, you are going to have to sit down and agree who is main care giver at certain hours each day - in effect put a temporary custody order in place between you as much as you can and avoid parenting together for all but essential things like maybe main family meal together, medial appointments. Things like school runs, days out, managing clubs, bedtimes should be split along lines of custody as soon as you are able to, sadly. Sooner you start explaining to the kids the better really - a good transition whilst you are all under one roof with you parenting separately but in a team, will ease transition for them when you eventually live apart.