Anyone with DC regret decision to divorce?

[mokebox]

Just that really. Is it always the best choice when things aren't great in a marriage?

For context, husband and I go through good and bad spells. When things are good, I'm reasonably content and think we could continue to make a go of it, but when things are bad (like just now) they really are very bad and the tension is unbearable. There's a lot of resentment on both sides I think (I won't go into all the reasons why as its probably subtle and complicated, like most relationships), but it's not a nice environment to be in during those periods. We're not great at communicating well with each other (I've tried) without seemingly small things becoming much bigger than they need to be.

During these bad phases, I find myself thinking I'd be happier alone and coparenting. It's got to the point where it's almost a fantasy. Right now I feel like I don't even want to try to fix things. Is there any coming back from that?

Please don't suggest couples counselling as husband would never go for that.

Despite all of this I worry that if I did take the plunge and end it, that I'd regret the decision further down the line if it ends up being a very difficult seperation/divorce or if it proves very difficult to coparent in a healthy way. I'd be concerned about the impact on my DC (who are still very young).

Is life after divorce necessarily any better?

My life after divorce (with DC) is much better, but XH was abusive...I do think if you're saying you don't want to fix things then you're probably done (and that's hard to accept, even when it's you feeling it), and if your DH won't consider couples counselling then I don't know where you'd start anyway, if you've not so far been able to sort it out between you.

If you want to test the water - genuinely - then maybe suggest a trial separation, say 3 months, all done amicably, and then see how you both feel. You might find, as I did, that the minute he is out the door you know what you want, or you might find that you miss each other and realise that you do want to make it work. It is very, very hard to work it out when you're in the middle of it and having to function day-to-day.

Having gone through a divorce I'd say if you decide that you want to make it work that will be a lot less painful (I had to get divorced but it wasn't what I wanted to be doing, and stress levels were off the scale), but if you've really had enough then get it sorted whilst the kids are still small. IME, it's not the divorce that screws the kids up, it's the atmosphere and the shouting - of course ideally they'd prefer the family to stay the same shape, but if you can both be grown-up about it and behave decently, they should hopefully not be too badly hurt by it.

I know it’s not what you asked, but my DH was adamant he wouldn’t try couples counselling either. I was very unhappy and willing to just separate, when he realised I was serious and the weight attached to couples counselling he agreed and it did us the world of good.

If you decide to leave him I would atleast offer to try counselling first.

No, it’s certainly not better for me. Sometimes I wish I could go back but we’re too far down the line now.
Separated 2 years, it’s had an huge affect on the children and they’re in their 20s.
I find it incredibly lonely, think there still is a stigma around divorce and I’m going to have to keep working until I drop! My standard of living has dropped dramatically and I’m just not happy.
Like you I was fairly happy when things were good. Fairly miserable when things were bad but I could avoid him at times like that.
Christmas and other family celebrations are very sad times for me.
Just my opinion, everyone is different.

I’d suggest start keeping a journal. You can write down the bad stuff when it first happens and unload your feelings. You can then reread it during the good times and the bad. It may even allow you to see patterns and drill down to why things go wrong. You both need to take ownership of your faults.

Perhaps you can read up on ways to improve communication in a marriage.

Any decision you make should be made with all the information to hand. Perhaps talk to a family solicitor to determine you legal status and situation. They often give a free consultation first. If not, this will be money well spent.

Check out your financial situation and make sure you know where and how much money there is. I failed to do this and regret it deeply. Look on wikivorce.

If you feel like this now, there’s a chance you will still be thinking this way in 5years time.

As suggested maybe your husband may consider relationship counselling when the stakes are so high.

You need to work out if you’d be staying for positive reasons (rewarding relationship) or if you are only staying for negative reasons (fallout in Dc).

Unless something changes you will probably still feel like this in 5/10/15 years time.

I’m so happy after divorce, moved out in September and haven’t looked back. It was a shock for the kids (7-12) but they adapted incredibly quickly. They actually are quite happy with the arrangement and tell me the worst thing is not having all their things in one place but then also lists lots of benefits. I am so much happier, I’m definitely a better parent. Also I love having completely guilt-free child-free weekends and have had lots of weekend breaks and have a great life now. I consider myself very lucky to have been able to buy a little house though and my standard of living is not as good (I moved from a beautiful, big house to a very modest one) but I feel so excited about life and all the possibilities whereas I just felt miserable and fed up before. My ex is a textbook covert narcissist and I’ve only realised the scale of this after leaving. No regrets!

I would have muddled along ok indefinitely and was planning our next house move and family holidays etc - it was not a mutual split on my part - as I just thought it was the usual relentlessness and monotony of parenting 3 young children that was causing some of the detachment and unhappiness on his part.

But 9 months down the line I would say I am happier than I thought I would be in the sense that there is some relief that I don't have to make an effort anymore with someone who was clearly unhappy and had started to let it show and I've realised I deserve so much more than what he was able or prepared to give me and so does our children. So i don't have any regrets per se.
If I have any regrets it's that I built a life with him in the first time and didn't see what was coming.

But I am lonely at times for adult company and I find myself mourning for and grieving the loss of a shared history - a lifetime - with someone (together nearly 20 years from when I was 20) and I do think had he said he regretted his decision I would have took him back but his reasons for leaving (that he basically didn't want family life anymore amongst things) has meant I've had to draw a line under our marriage to protect our children emotionally. And I can't see that I will be able to have a relationship with anyone else for years to come and that is a very sad and scary thought

I think I would feel differently though had the circumstances around our split been different and he wanted to pursue 50/50 custody - as it is I have 100% and I cannot see that changing for many years if at all. Maybe the odd night here or there when they are older . I didn't have children to only see them half the time and so I would have fought to keep the marriage and family going and if I hadn't then I can imagine my sense of regret would be much much bigger

Absolutely not.
Best thing definitely for me, my children, and probably my ex!

I realised you've asked two different questions so my answer of absolutely not, was to 'do you regret divorce.' I wish I'd done it far far sooner.

It surely depends on the circumstances, who initiated it etc...

If your dc are very young now is the best time to do it. Their norm will be growing up with you separated and they won’t have 18 or so years of family life with all the Christmas / holiday memories etc. I left dds dad when she was 6 months old so it’s all she’s ever known. No regrets at all. (We’d been together 5 years).

I don't regret my divorce. I thought about it for years, kept thinking it would be ok, staying for the kids sake etc. Then one day I just couldn't take it anymore. I knew it was time, i felt relieved when i told him and my family and I have never regretted it. You'll know, listen to your gut.

The only thing I regret is not having acted sooner, but my husband was addicted to alcohol and was abusive. My kids were older teenagers and wanted no contact. Life as a single person has been so much better.