Am I allowed to be cross about cheating 20 yrs ago?

[pinkrabbits39]

My DH and I weren’t married at the time but we lived together. We were young (20’s)but serious, in fact most people would have said at that time that he was way more into me. I was away and he had sex with another woman. They met at a nightclub, he walked her home, had toast and coffee together and then had sex. She asked him to leave straight after as she had kids.

Lots of additional problems with this cheating story:
It was his brothers sister in law, makes it way more awkward and horrible
He only told me after our marriage and when I was heavily pregnant with our first child together
I had some symptoms with my pregnancy which meant my midwife referred me for STI tests, so awful and at that point he fessed up he’d had oral sex from a woman in a car park, he only later confessed to the full story
I had no clue and all his family knew, definitely before we were married, no one told me and I’m humiliated that I got married to him clueless
He claims he was insanely drunk, but the walk back to hers is 20 minutes and then they had food and drink together before sex, is it weird I struggle with those details so much? Like he took his time right?!
He gave her oral sex which he has admitted but is also a detail I struggle with, feels quite an effort and intimate for a drunken shag
He kept it secret FOR YEARS, quite the level of deception
Early in our relationship, I caught him in bed with my topless older sister straddling him, I’m unsure what may have happened if I hadn’t interrupted them but I forgave him and we moved on. (Incidentally my sister died a few years after this due to complications with her diabetes and we had fallen out over what happened so I never really had a relationship with her again before she passed away)

He seems to think I can’t be that cross about it anymore as it was so long ago. I honestly think at the time my head was mashed and I never fully processed the significance.
Due to family stuff I’ve recently started therapy and this has come up and I’m now furious and struggling to let it go.
We have 2 kids, nice house, all that stuff but it feels like it’s been built on a lie.
Help!

You're allowed to be upset, no one can tell you how you should feel.

I completely understand why you'd feel that your marriage was built on a lie. Not only did he cheat, but he continued to lie, which to me is another blow, add that to the fact his whole family knew makes it worse. I doubt they thought any less about you, but it is humiliating. I suspect this also is the to of the iceberg, the fact he almost slept with your ds as well means it's likely he's been cheating at various points in your marriage and he just hasn't had to admit to it.

As for it being so long ago, well it's obviously something that's still impacting you, it's good you're having therapy but don't minimise your feelings. I suspect you minimised them at the time of you finding out, which is why you are finding yourself in this situation now

I am sorry about your sister.

Yes, I think you are allowed to be cross.

Do you trust him? Do you think you want to stay with him?

Wow, that is quite a lot that has gone on. I'd also feel betrayed by the deception and the fact other people knew but you didn't, and they presumably knew you didn't know, so they were sll complicit... yuck.

Also he messed around with your sister?
And his brothers sister-in-law? Why his interest in his relations? That is honestly weird as surely it takes even more arrogance to go through with this behaviour with relatives... which makes Are you sure he's not cheated on other occasions?

I’m not surprised you’re upset and he’s minimising it. He sounds awful. What’s in this relationship for you?

I would be full of rage in your situation. Your therapist I hope is also validating your anger: of course it is valid. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this (note, present tense). His response is not great. Does he want to build a relationship with you from here? Do you want him to? If he wants to save his relationship with your kids he has work to do.