How do you share contact when you live nearby- young teens

[Cupoftea80]

Divorced exH when the DC were 5 and 3 - he moved 2 hours away and contact was only EOW until about a year ago when he split with his partner and decided he wanted to live near the DC. He now lives 10 mins away. We had some teething problems with him sending the DC back early when he’d had enough of them, or them turning up on his weekend when I was out. Initially we tried to keep to EOW and set days during the week but he never stuck to it, and the kids liked to go to his house after school as he works from home and then turn up here later, which I didn’t have a problem with, it was just a pain in terms of meal planning etc.

But lately it seems any semblance of routine has gone out the window. This is supposed to me my weekend- 15yo announced on Thurs she was going to dad’s and would be back on Tuesday. Today the 13yo said exH had texted and asked her to go on a dog walk with
him and wanted her to stay over.

He says he doesn’t want a routine and is happy for them to turn up whenever. I hate that and really miss the structure of knowing what was going to happen- but now that they’re older and he lives nearby maybe I can’t have that anymore.

It also feels like he gets all the fun stuff and I get all the boring stuff- washing school uniforms, homework etc 😞. I’m pretty sure the only reason 15yo wants to spent the weekend there is she wants to go out and he gives her a later curfew.

What is the norm in this kind of situation? Is it reasonable for me to ask him and the DC to stick to EOW, and a bit more back and forth on weekdays?

We had a routine when children were younger (we split when children were 5y & 8y). However 2 years ago, they had the choice of routine or freedom/free flow to move between both houses. They chose free flow; open access to both parents.

They are currently 12y and 15y. My ex does not like free flow as for the last few years, they have spent on average 5/7 with me. They do have more freedom with me, more strictness with him, however like you, I do all the uniforms/dentist/doc appointments, paperwork organising, all washing, showers are taken here, shopping, homework etc etc etc. it's not that I'm extra lenient, just age appropriate and a little softer naturally.

we live in the same area and the dc can cycle between us (which I hate tbh, wish he lived further away) any way because my ex is such a sick I insist that to a set routine and if they want to go to their dad’s outside of that they have to check in with me the way they would if they wanted to go to a friend’s. Mostly I say he’s but sometimes I say no depending on our plans. Or I’ll say yes to after school but be back for tea time that kind of thing.

Dick not sick

@HVPRN I think my eldest would probably
opt for free flow… the issue I have with
it is meal planning etc, also if I know the DC aren’t there I’ll plan to stay later at work. I have step children to factor in as well, DH and I used to manage at least one weekend a month child free but it rarely happens now. And also I miss them! I thought I’d have a bank holiday weekend with my kids, but no.

@Fantina I think that’s what I’d prefer
but not sure if it’s something I can expect now the DC are older. Although my DH and his ex have their kids’ weekends mapped out until the summer and they are a similar age!

They are still your children at that age, you can tell them what’s happening.

everything you say is completely reasonable. My DS would love to slope off to his dad’s every time I tell him to clear up after himself/do homework etc. But I think that teaching them not to consider our feelings isn’t great for them either for considering anyone’s feelings in their lives. They can’t just do as they please in life, there are boundaries for everything else we do - work, relationships, friendships, school etc.

I hear you (meal planning) and the option to work longer. It can be tricky as I'm sure you feel like your life is on hold at times.

For us, we have completely opened up shared decision-making and open conversations with the children. They know with free flow; comes personal responsibility. Instead of asking them what they are doing all the time, we say what we are doing on certain days, and are they joining us (example; for a certain meal we are having) and they tell us in the morning if they are joining us. Same if we plan to go out. They have quickly learnt (with teething mistakes!) to be organised. They both have keys for each house incase we're not in, and I've opened them both current accounts to transfer bus money if needed.

To keep it fair, we encourage them to contact dad to let him know. They both have phones (linked to my Apple account so age appropriate content only allowed). We also say to them it is encouraged to share time equally during holidays as they will soon grow up and you don't want to look back and miss having spent QT with both sides.

Hope our example may help you a little; even if it is to help you to decide what not to do! We all need to do what is best/works for our families. Take care.

To add; the decision they make the night before/in the morning, is something they have to stick to after school. No going here for an hour then back and forth later on. So if they have homework chores after school, there is no getting out of it.

@HVPRN thanks, that is helpful. Does your ex communicate with you about when he wants them or do they just decide and tell each parent? Recently I had to text my 13yo to ask if she was staying at her dad’s for dinner and her response was- “it depends, what’s for dinner at your house?!” The issue is I’d rather communicate with my ex as little as possible
tbh, I’m not sure he would back me up if they changed their mind at the last minute.

@Fantina that is a good point about them learning to consider other people’s feelings. I never want them to feel torn or stuck in the middle but at the same time surely they’re old enough to understand that it affects the whole
family, and if I’ve planned a meal for everyone and they don’t turn up it’s a bit rude.

Also, for me I was concerned that being so relaxed about arrangements would lead to us not knowing where the DC are. My DS once got in trouble with me for being at his dad’s and not telling me (he was meant to be at the park) and didn’t have his phone on etc.

My friends and I used to do the classic of ‘I’m staying at so and so’s house’ and in reality we were at a party/nightclub when we were underage.

my ex feeds the kids constant junk food too so I want them to at least have 50 per cent of their meals featuring vegetables.

I’m in the other side of this - a SM with a (now) 14 YO SS & 17 YO SD.

My OH had a court ordered contact order in place (which in theory is in place until each child is 16). Mum kept stopping contact - that’s why OH had a contact order.

2 years ago (when the kids were 12 & 15) mum announced that the court order would no longer stand (she had decided) and the kids could do as they wanted. My OH’s solicitor wrote to her to tell her it wasn’t her decision and she couldn’t decide to discharge a court order. It had no effect. By this point after years of taking her to court to see his own kids he’d had enough.

So at 12 & 15 - the kids we’re allowed to decide what they wanted to do.

15 YO SD stopped coming (we now haven’t seen her in 2 years). 14 YO SD decided what he wants to do - there’s no routine (for example he was meant to come Friday but changed his mind). It drives me nuts TBH as I have no idea if he’s here for dinner or we should include him in plans.

The poster above made a really good comment about being respectful to people and letting them know your plans. Sadly we have non of this (and it’s not encouraged my mum).

Personally I think some routine with flex is the way forward. At that age - they do want to see their pals and make plans themselves. But I do still think it’s important to spend quality time with the NRP. We haven’t seen my SS in 3 weeks now and I have no idea when we’ll see him again. Personally I think 14 years old is too you’ve to be deciding contact. Sorry for the rant…….

@NorthernSpirit i can totally see that would drive you nuts! I agree it’s so important to spend quality time with both parents, they just might not realise it when they’re young and caught up in their social life etc.